Trump City, Illinois. A group of half-sized Donald Trump clones, known scientifically as “Trump-ettes” invaded and took over a Chicago candy factory today. “We’re doing this to ensure every piece of candy made in this factory goes directly into the mouths of white children whose parents make over seven figures a year,” the Trump-ettes shouted as they bodily removed every worker from the plant. “Our Lord and Master, Herr Donald, heard that this factory was selling candy to poor, disabled, black, Mexican and Muslim kids. You can’t get more UN-American than that, so we were sent to put an end to it. God bless America; God bless freedom, and God bless our God, Donald Trump.”
Narcissist Valley, North Dakota. Donald Trump announced today that he is madly in love with himself and plans to marry himself after he becomes President in November. “I’m friggin’ HOT baby! I’m so good-looking, suave, and brilliant, that if I could make love to myself and produce more of me, I would,” Mr. Trump said earlier. “Has anyone in America EVER seen a more masculine, more buff, more eloquent hunk of a man-god than me? Of course not. I LOVE myself, and as soon as I whip the shit outta whichever pansy, liberal, atheist, socialist asshole wins the Democratic nomination in November, I’m gonna marry myself and take myself to Paris for a 4 week honeymoon. Thanks to all my supporters out there who continually confirm for me that I am as godlike as I think I am. I….well…I was gonna say I love you, but since I don’t actually love anyone but myself, all I can say is..I kinda like ya’.”
Ego Town, Kansas. Donald Trump announced today that he wants to have children with as many women as he can. “As any real American can tell you,” Trump said earlier, “I’m the greatest thing to happen to the United States EVER! Part of my greatness lies, of course, in my amazing skills as a lover. Besides having a 14 inch penis and the ability to have 12, yes 12, orgasms an hour, my hands have been registered in all 50 states as powerful sex toys. In November, I will be elected Emperor of America. As a great lover, and soon to be Emperor, I want my seed spread across the country in the wombs of as many women as possible. So, if you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 30 who wants to have wild sex with me, Donald Trump, AND become a receptacle for my manly, fertile seed, then go to http://www.Iwantdonaldsdick.com and register for a ride you’ll never forget. It’s a first come, first serve basis, ladies. So register early if you want to be one of the first to say, Donald Trump is my baby daddy!”
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