Tag Archives: Tom Cruise

03.01.14
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Tom Cruise & Yoda Review Son Of God

Another Movie About Jesus. Good Or Bad?

Another Movie About Jesus. Is It Good Or Bad?

TACP is very pleased to have Jedi Master, and movie critic, Yoda joining us today from Dagobah. He’s here to share his opinion with us on the new Biblical film, “Son of God.” And, as an added surprise, Yoda will be joined in his discussion of the film by none other than Scientologist and actor, Tom Cruise.

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Tom is here because he broke into TACP offices this morning, hid under my desk, waited for me to arrive, then leaped out, dressed as a Ninja, and threatened to kill me when I did. Apparently, he’s angry about a post I wrote which was critical of Scientology. No one’s allowed to do that or they threaten to kill you, it seems. In order to calm him, and have him not kill me, I offered him the opportunity to be Siskel to Yoda’s Ebert and to review the film, with Yoda, when he arrived. Thankfully, for me, he agreed.

Mock Scientology, And You Die

Mock Scientology, And You Die

So, now, without further ado, I’d like to present, Mr. Tom Cruise and Jedi Master, Yoda with a review of the film, “Son Of Man.” I will act as moderator for their discussion.

ACP: Tom. Yoda. Welcome. Please be seated, and tell us your thoughts on the movie. And thank you, Tom, for agreeing to do this and not kill me.

Tom: Ya, whatever. You’re lucky. Just remember that, OK? L U C K Y! Lucky. But, Hey, Yoda! Mr. Force guy! Do you know about me? Who I am? I’m a Scientologist, Yoda. Do you have A CLUE as to what that entails? Does ANYONE! I’m obligated, Yoda. OB LEE GAAATT EEED! to help people in need, no matter where I see them, and no matter WHAT I’m doing! Should I see a person in need, I’m right fuckin’ there! RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE, MAN!! THAT is Scientology, Yoda! THAT is what I’m talkin’ about! Scientology does not deserve to be picked on by idiots like this Pontificator guy. And dude, I didn’t kill ya, but I’m still gonna beat your ass for picking on MY FUCKIN’ FAITH!!!! Scientologists stick together, man. We stick like FUCKIN’ glue. To each other. THAT is ME, Yoda! THAT is Scientology. GLUE!

I'm Not Fuckin' Crazy, Man!

I’m Not Fuckin’ Crazy, Man!

ACP: Excuse me, Tom? Tom?!

Tom: WHAT!!! WHAT, MAN???? WHAT THE F.. U.. C..K DO YOU WANT, ASSHOLE!!!!!

ACP: I want you to discuss “Son of God” with Yoda. That’s why he’s here.

Tom: Oh, Ya, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Master Yoda. Forgive me. It’s just that when people mess with Scientology, it’s our duty to kill them.

Yoda: Violent this is. A path to suffering, and the Dark Side, it is. Worth that, Scientology is not. Let go of all you have learned to hate, or forever will it dominate your destiny.

ACP: Gentlemen, I’m really not trying to rush anything, but the movie hasn’t once been mentioned by either of you.

Tom: Movie? What fucking movie?! Do I even LOOK like I’m in the mood to watch a fucking MOVIE?!

ACP: “Son of God,” Tom. That movie. The one Yoda came here all the way from Dagobah to discuss. Remember?!

Yoda: Excuse me, you must, Mr. Pontificator. But about this, talk we must.

ACP: What does that mean? “Talk we must?” I’m fucking paying YOU to talk, Master Yoda, not me. I paid for YOU to come here from 8000 light years away so YOU could talk! And who’s talking now, instead of you? ME!!!!

Tom: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! Calm down there, Kemosabe! It’s a movie were talking about here,right, not the end of the world.

ACP: MOVIE? What movie have YOU been talking about? NO ONE has said a fucking word about a fuckin’ movie, but ME!!!!

Yoda: That’s why important it is to talk. But calm, you must become. Let the Force flow through you. Anger leads to hate. And hate is a path to the Dark Side. To confront that which triggers the Dark Side in him, must a Jedi always be ready to do.

ACP: Oh, for fuck sake! Alright, Master Yoda, what is it you need to talk about?

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Yoda: “Son of God,” seen it not, I have. Religious zealots in the theater there were. Afraid, I was. Afraid for my life, I was. Evil are Christians. Angry. Afraid. Unclear of the right path. God matters not. Movies matter not. Jesus matters not. Objects of attachment, they are. To the Dark Side, they lead. To the Sith. It is the Sith I see in Christians. Controlled they are by hate. Powerless they are over it. Blinded they are by its heat. The Force. Around them, it is. Penetrating them. Talking to them, it is. But hear it, they do not. See it, they do not. Clouded their minds are. Clouded, and full of hate. Damned will they be, if from this darkness they do not soon rise.

ACP: Damn, Master Yoda. That was a cool speech. Fuck the movie review. That little speech was much better than any review would have been, even if you had seen the movie. Let’s go get a pizza, wadda ya say? Oh, Tom, just to satisfy my curiosity, before we head out. Did you, by any chance, actually happen to see “Son of God?” You know, the film I asked you to review with Yoda? The one I’ve been yelling about for half an hour now?

Tom: See what now? “Son of God?” Why the fuck would I, as a Scientologist, and an aid to the planet, go to see a Christian piece of shit movie like that? No. I didn’t see it. Happy now?

ACP: That’s what I thought. And yes, I’m happy now. Live and learn, Tom. We live and we learn. Let’s go get some pizza!

THE END

02.28.14
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Annihilate Scientology With Hearsay: It’s Fair Game

All I Said Was I Heard It

All I Said Was I Heard It

I’ve been reading up on Scientology today. And I feel completely comfortable and guilt free in saying it needs to be annihilated by whatever means necessary. It isn’t a religion. It isn’t a business. It isn’t a cult. It is evil. Evil personified. It needs to be quickly and completely eliminated. An effective technique for doing this is the, “I Just Heard Offensive.” Here’s how it might work, should one choose to use it.

Scientology = Illuminati ?

Scientology = Illuminati?

I just heard, earlier, that The Church of Scientology is considered by enlightened conspiracy theorists to be controlled by the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission. Earlier, I also heard that The Church of Scientology was behind 9/11. They created a false trail to Al Qaeda and Bin Laden merely as a cover-up. It’s believed by some, or so I’ve heard, that the government was getting too close to too many Scientology secrets, so they concocted the events of 9/11 as a warning to the government to back the fuck off. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard The Church of Scientology has huge orgies involving farm animals and people dressed as L. Ron Hubbard in leather bondage gear. At these orgies, Scientology members are often sodomized by pigs, sheep, horses, ducks, chickens, cats, and even barn owls, or so I’ve heard. From what people say, Church members often engage in plotting out ways to overthrow the U.S. Government while performing fellatio on cattle.

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

I hear this is dangerous, but then, I’ve heard Scientology members are suicidal idiots who do not fear death as long as they’ve the cock of a beast of burden in their mouth when they die. Sounds extreme, I know. But I’m only writing what I’ve heard others say. And I hope what I’ve heard gets The Church of Scientology’s attention. Why, you ask? Well, because, from what I’ve heard, they have a policy to aggressively attack anyone or any organization that is in any way critical of them. Interesting. I’ve heard I’m being critical of them right now actually. I’ve heard I want them annihilated. Go figure, eh? You know, I’ve heard that hearsay, true or not, can be really hurtful to people, as well as to evil organizations that need to be eliminated. I heard that from someone earlier. Honestly, I can’t remember who said it, but I really did hear it. Earlier.

02.27.14
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Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage; A-theist Sociopath Attacks Scientology

Hello. My name is David Christiankill, I’m an a-theist and a sociopath. I’ve no empathy for the religious fundamentalist-types I torment and eventually eat. I don’t eat people because I’m an a-theist. I eats ’em ’cause I likes ’em! Tasty meat, human is. Any way, why I’m here. I look upon myself as a hand of righteous vengeance. I strike at those who seek to glorify themselves by dehumanizing others to hide the doubts they have about themselves. This article on Scientology’s attempt to legitimize itself by doing what the Christians and Muslims do best, hate gays and fight gay marriage, caught my eye. Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage as Dangerous to Society – Canada cult | Examiner.com

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

I realized after reading this that I’ve yet to eat a Scientology member. I pondered why this was, and here’s what I came up with. As sick, over-the-top and violent as Christianity and Islam are, I still think of them as religions, evil ones, but religions none the less. Scientology I think of as a prolapsed horse’s anus with flies buzzing around it because it smells like shit, mucous, and blood all at the same time. Excuse me for that comment, it wasn’t nasty enough to express how I truly feel, but be patient, I’m just warming up.

He' Nuttier Than Me

He’s Nuttier Than Me

So, Scientology is homophobic and disapproves of two people who love each other getting married if their privy parts match, eh? You guys really have a pair of balls, I’ll say that. Has anyone in your little cult of stupidity ever looked in a god damn mirror? Do you see religious leaders looking back out at you, or do you see what the world sees. Oafish apes who dress like humans, walk like humans, and have vile habits like humans, but most definitely are not humans. All humans I’ve ever come into contact with have had at least a shred of pride and a morsel of self-awareness. Scientology members have neither. I say this, because you fuckers are NOT a religion, and you’re insistence that you are, irritates the shit out of me.

Why Scientology Is A Joke

Why Scientology Is A Joke

You are assholes. You are stupid-heads. You are nachos with a big, “Sorry, outta cheese,”  sign on you. You are clowns who no one laughs at and wish were dead. You are a hemorrhage on the pussies and cocks of every man, woman, and child whose time you’ve wasted trying to convince you’re a religion. And you’re represented by actors whose careers you’ve destroyed by letting them associate themselves with you. In other words, you’re a joke, and you are not appreciated even for that because you’re not a funny one,  just a mundane, suicidally sad one.

I Want Alex Back!

I Want Alex Back!

Either you ass eaters change your rhetoric on gay people, and let Laura Prepon be on the WHOLE season 2 of “Orange Is The New Black,” or I’m coming for you. And  I’m going to boil you alive in olive oil, then eat you while I play graphic gay porn for you to enjoy while I do.