Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.

2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.

3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.

4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.

5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.

6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.

7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.

8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.

9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.

10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.