Little Cock, Arkansas. The NRA today released the results of a 400 billion dollar study it conducted to show the connection between owning a gun and penis size. “This study shows, conclusively, that men who own guns have penises that are, on average, 23% bigger than men who do not own guns,” said NRA spokeswoman, Penelope Pubis. “It also shows, quite amazingly, that even women who own guns have a really big penises, metaphorically speaking. The study was conducted using the utmost care and respect for the privacy of all participants, both gun owners and non-gun owners alike. Various advanced penile measuring devices were employed and used in a variety of ways too sensitive to discuss publicly. After 7 months and 400 billion dollars spent, there can be no denying it: those who own guns have bigger penises than those who don’t. This study also shows, without question, that the primary motivating factor in one buying a gun is not safety, but penis size. Those with the biggest dicks own guns. And, yes, this is true even for female gun owners, metaphorically speaking. ‘Nuff said.”
Bloodbath City, Oklahoma. Hello Pontificator readers. Today I want to talk to you about a very serious issue: My desire to own a nuclear missile. You may be asking yourselves why I would want to own such a thing, and would it be legal for me to do so. Let me start off by saying, yes, it is completely legal for me to own a nuclear missile. The Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gives me the right to keep and bear arms. It does not specify which arms I can keep. It simply guarantees my right to bear and keep them. My right to own a nuclear missile is not negated by the fact that, back in the day, no one had a friggin’ clue what nuclear weapons were or how dangerous they would be. To tell me, a mostly responsible adult, that I can’t have one is against the American Constitution and all it stands for. Secondly, nuclear missiles DO NOT kill people. People kill people. Have you ever heard of a nuclear missile arming itself and launching itself at a city all on its own? Of course not. That’s just plain nuts. PEOPLE launch nukes. They don’t launch themselves. Period. And, I, should I obtain one, promise not to launch it. Actually, I don’t even know how to launch such a device so the threat of me doing so is non-existent.
Finally, as to why I want to own a nuclear missile, I have only this to say. My penis is rather average in size, and though owning a gun, which would be far easier to obtain, by the way, might make me feel like it’s a tad bigger than it really is, a gun fails in comparison to how huge my penis will feel if I owned a nuclear missile. As well, I think a nuke would look lovely next to the TV in my apartment. So, there you have my inarguable reasons for wanting to own a nuclear missile. To deny me in this endeavor is to decree yourself an enemy of America and her Constitution. Also, you’d be denying me the illusion of feeling like I have a huge penis, and who would want to do that?
Thank you for reading, and please, be careful out there. The world is just crawling with crazy people looking for quick and easy ways to kill you.