Things Jesus Said On The Cross

OUCH!

1.) F$$k, this hurts!

2.) There are f$$kin’ ants on my toes.  ANTS!  Someone PLEASE brush them off before I lose my mind.

3.) My father is a mother f$$ker!

4.) When I come back in three days I’m gonna turn all these f$$k heads throwing sh$t at me into toads.

5.) The nail in my right wrist is kinda loose.  Someone may want to re-nail it before my arm slips free.

6.) So, you all think you have a cross to bare that’s just like mine?  F$$k you!  Hang on one of them like I am, then tell me that sh$t again!

7.) What f$$kin’ idiots in America voted for Trump?  You all just f$$ked yourselves.

8.) Damn, I could really use a beer about now.

9.) Thing is, I already know the Roman Empire is f$$ked, being omnipotent and all.  So, in that sense, I’m one up on the Roman bastards who nailed my a$$ to this cross.  I’ll still be around in 2000 years, and they won’t.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

10.) Patricide.  It ain’t so bad when you look at what my pops did to me.

 

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Confessions Of A 2000 Year Old Bed Bug

So, Dis Dude Is Hangin' On A Cross, Dyin', OK? 'N As I'm Suckin' Some Of The Last Drops 'O Blood Outta Da Poor Bastard 'E Looks Down At Me 'N Says, "Dude, Yer Drinkin' Da Blood 'O Da Lord.  Yer Gonna Live Ferever."  'Course, At Da Time, I Taught Da Dude Was Just Delirious From Da Agony 'E Was In, But 'Ere We Is, 2000 Plus Years Later, 'N I'm Still Suckin' Folks Blood Whilst Day Be Sleepin'.

So, Dis Dude Is Hangin’ On A Cross, Dyin’, OK? ‘N As I’m Suckin’ Some Of The Last Drops ‘O Blood Outta Da Poor Bastard ‘E Looks Down At Me ‘N Says, “Dude, Yer Drinkin’ Da Blood ‘O Da Lord. Yer Gonna Live Ferever.” ‘Course, At Da Time, I Taught Da Dude Was Just Delirious From Da Agony ‘E Was In, But ‘Ere We Is, 2000 Plus Years Later, ‘N I’m Still Suckin’ Folks’ Blood Whilst Day Be Sleepin’.  Guess ‘E Weren’t Dat Crazy After All, Eh?   Becky The Bed Bug, September 12th, 2004