In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.
A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”
It’s me again, ya sum’bitches, Moses. Yes, STILL, THAT Moses. What, did you think I was lying in the last post, ya sum’bitches? Of course I wasn’t, so let me just get back to the sum’bitchin’ story, alright? I left off with Yahweh telling me he would lead me and my fellow Jews out of Egypt to a Promised Land if we but followed ten commandments he’d written for us. I told him I’d need to see all ten of the sum’bitches first before I’d even consider telling anyone else about his offer. Well, the sum’bitch agreed, and, as soon as he did, the burning bush vanished and was replaced by a large tortoise, yes, a sum’bitchin’ tortoise, that had the commandments numbered and written on its shell. The Old Testament writers were well aware that Yahweh gave me his ten commandments this way, and not on 2 big stones. They just felt it rather embarrassing to admit this, so they said it was 2 stones the commandments were written on and left the sum’bitchin’ tortoise out of it. I’ll admit, I did look like an ass following that sum’bitch around trying to read what Yahweh had written on it. You don’t appreciate how fast those sum’bitches actually move until you’ve tried reading the ten commandments off of one’s shell while its walking. Very hard sum’bitchin’ job.
I read as much as I could of what was on the tortoise before it wandered so far into the desert I couldn’t follow the sum’bitch. From what I could read, stuff about honoring your sum’bitchin’ parents and not lusting after some other sum’bitch’s wife, I felt Yahweh was giving us a pretty good deal. So I told all the Jews in Egypt, at Temple the following Saturday, that we should take Yahweh up on his offer, even though the sum’bitchin’ Egyptians were very nice to us, because it would be wonderful to actually have a whole nation just for ourselves to rule as we wished. The only catch being we’d have to devote our Sunday’s to that sum’bitch Yahweh, but he wouldn’t demand much more of us than that, I argued. I was wrong, however. I felt like quite the sum’bitch when I realized just what a bastard that sum’bitch excuse of a god, Yahweh, really is. It broke the Pharaoh’s heart when I told him I was leaving with my fellow Jews to start our own country under the guidance of Yahweh. “Don’t trust that sum’bitch!” Ramesses told me. “He’s a childish, spoiled god who’s more interested in glorifying himself than in helping you. The sum’bitch has pulled this stunt with every minority group in Egypt at one time or another. The groups that leave usually die in the desert long before reaching any Promised Land. Don’t go, Moses.” Well, I didn’t listen to the sum’bitch, and I should’ve. Yahweh fucked us. And he fucked us hard. The minute we got through the Red Sea, which I parted and then closed, but NOT on any Egyptian army, that sum’bitchin’ tortoise, with all ten commandments shining as clear as day on its shell, literally appeared right in front of my feet, forcing me to stop walking and read every commandment written on it. I was stunned by the amount of ass lickin’ that sum’bitch was expecting us to do just so he wouldn’t get angry and kill us.
After reading ALL the commandments, I became so angry, I turned everyone around, and we headed back to the Red Sea, hoping to return to Egypt. But when I tried to part it again, so we could walk back through it, the sum’bitch wouldn’t budge. We were stuck in the desert, just like Ramesses warned me we’d be. I was so furious after this that I refused to talk to that sum’bitch, Yahweh, for almost two decades, though he appeared to me as burning shrubbery hundreds of times. When I finally did talk to him, things didn’t really improve much or for very long, before I became furious with him again. But that is a tale for another day, ya sum’bitches. I said all I wish to say for now, God damn it!
Hello. This is Moses. Yes. THAT Moses, God damn it! Which Moses did you think it was? Your Uncle Moses from Jersey? Do you even have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? Does ANY ONE have an Uncle Moses from Jersey? I thought not, God damn it! So shut up a minute and let me talk already, God damn it! It’s come to my attention that several Rabbis, Christians, a-theists, and other such ninnies have been debating whether or not I ever existed. Apparently, some putzes think the stories in the Bible about me were just made up, and I am but a conglomeration of people combined into one guy by the writers of the Old Testament. Well, I’m here to tell you, that I AM Moses. I do exist, and I am the Moses written about in the Bible, God damn it! As well, the Jews did make an Exodus out of Egypt, and I was the one who lead them. I’m here to set things straight and explain why I think there’s debate about whether or not I actually ever existed.
You see, the stories in The Bible about me are true, but only on the level that they did happen. They are not true, at all, in the way the writers of the Old Testament interpreted them for the reader. Their purpose was to codify the Jewish religion and give it a historical context for future generations of Jews. In doing so, they failed to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth about my life and my on again off again relationship with Yahweh, God damn it! Let me tell you right off, Yahweh is NOT the only god there is. He just WANTS to be. He thinks that by threatening people with commandments he can scare them into blind obedience to him. I first meet Yahweh early one Summer morning while I was talking to some of the space aliens my adopted father, the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramesses, had hired to build the pyramids.
Don’t ask me how he got in touch with these aliens, God damn it! Because I don’t know. I only know that Ramesses told them to be absolutely certain to leave behind no physical evidence they’d ever been here when they were finished. He apparently thought it would be funny to fuck with future generations who would be left guessing as to how the pyramids got built. If you ask me, waiting 4000 years for the punch line to a joke that you won’t be around to appreciate, isn’t funny at all, God damn it!
But back to my first meeting with Yahweh, God damn it! Like I said, I noticed a bush that was on fire as I was talking to one of the aliens, and I walked over to it to see what was going on. The bush, surprisingly, started to talk. It said, “Moses! Moses! I need you to follow me as my servant and accept me as your god.” Needless to say, my response wasn’t in the least flattering. I said to the bush, “God damn it! You’re a bush, burning out here alone the desert. What about this makes you think you’re leaving me with the impression that you’re a god of some sort? For all I know, you’re just a trick some of my friends have rigged up to make me look like a putz. I’m NOT following any god that can’t do better than this. If you are really a god, I have to tell you, you look an ass right now.”
Well, that must’ve embarrassed Yahweh, because I heard nothing else from him until my nephew’s bar mitzvah a few months later. Oh, before I forget, I always knew I was a Jew. I was found in the river by the Pharaoh’s wife, afloat in a basket, and wearing a tiny yamaka with a note attached to it that read, “Please take care of my Jewish baby, God damn it! because I can’t.” So Ramesses adopted me and made me his son. He knew, that since I was adopted and Jewish, I could never be a Pharaoh, so he spent a fortune to send me to Law School, and when I graduated, he made me Conciliary for the Ramesses Family. I was his legal muscle and representative from the day I graduated until the day Yahweh talked me into leaving Egypt with the other Jews. I had a great relationship with Ramesses, God damn it! And I miss him to this day.
Anyway, Yahweh appeared next at my nephew’s bar mitzvah as, once again, a burning bush. He appeared on a hill, not a mountain, just outside the back gates of my sister’s house. I went out to him, and he said to me, “Moses! God damn it! Why did you dis me last time I appeared to you? All I want to do is give you ten commandments for you and your fellow Jews to follow. Then I’ll help you flee the cruelty of your enslavement to Ramesses and lead you to your own land where you can worship me the way I want you to, free of demanding tyrants. Wadda ya say, big fella? Will you do this for me?”
Come back tomorrow for more of the story about me, Moses, who really does exist, God damn it!