Two Liberals Attacked By Pile Of MAGA Hats At Target

MAGA Hats Have Become Sentient And Violent

Trump City, Russia.   In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store.    “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked.  “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’  We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces.   It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse.  Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”

Bethany Bigbody With The Black Eye She Received From A Violent Group Of MAGA Hats

When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions.   Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores.  You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.

Chicago Woman Loses Mind In Target Restroom

Penelope Prickle

Penelope Prickle

Chicago, Illinois.    A 76-year-old Chicago woman named Penelope Prickle is claiming she lost her mind this morning while using the restroom in a local Target store.    “I’m not talking figuratively here,” Ms. Prickle said earlier.  “I went to the restroom at Target, and when I came out, I immediately noticed my head felt about 3 pounds lighter than when I went in.   I instantly knew I’d literally lost my mind, aka, my brain, somewhere in that restroom.   This has happened to me before.  Once, while at a Cubs game, I noticed my mind had slipped from my head.  Luckily, it had fallen into the lap of the guy sitting next to me, and he returned it.  This time, however, I’ve been unable to locate it.  I looked everywhere in that bathroom, and I can’t find it.  I’m starting to wonder if it didn’t fall into the toilet whilst I was wiping myself, and I inadvertently flushed it away.   I’m hoping that’s not the case and a cleaning person finds it and returns it to lost and found.  It’s hard walking around without a mind.  If anyone comes across it, please email me at and I’ll come get it.  Thanks, and have a pleasant day.”