Things I’d Do If I Could Use The Force

In honor of the new Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, opening yesterday, I’ve made the following list of things I’d do with the Force if I were able to use it.

1.)

Whenever Donald Trump tried to speak in public, I'd Force lift his hair so it stood on end until he shut up.

Whenever Donald Trump tried to speak in public, I’d Force lift his hair so it stood on end until he shut up.

 

2.)

I'd use the Force to levitate bottles of beer into the waiting hands of beautiful babes in bars to get them to notice me.

I’d use the Force to levitate bottles of beer into the waiting hands of beautiful babes in bars to get their attention.

 

3.)

I'd use the Force to make cash machines give me free money.

I’d use the Force to make cash machines give me free money.

 

4.)

I'd use the Force to place, and permanently hold, handcuffs on the hands of pedophile priests so they can't so easily ply their trade.

I’d use the Force to place, and permanently hold, handcuffs on the hands of pedophile priests so they could no longer practice their trade.

 

5.)

Lastly, I'd use the Force to levitate my dog so I can cut here damn nails. What a battle this always is.

Lastly, I’d use the Force to levitate my dog so I could cut her damn nails. What a battle this always is.

Higgs Boson To Play Major Role In Star Wars: The Force Awakens

“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” director, J.J. Abrams, announced this morning that he has cast the Higgs boson to play a key character in the upcoming sequel to “Star Wars”. “The Higgs boson popped up behind me yesterday as I was focusing a camera lens and practically begged me for a role in the film,” Abrams stated. “The subatomic particle claimed it had been a fan of ‘Star Wars’ since it first saw the original film in 1977. I couldn’t say no to it. Thus, I have given the boson a major speaking role in the movie. I can’t say what it is, but I assure you it will delight audiences of all ages and help long time fans forget the Prequels were ever made. The only set back to this is that the movie will now have to be viewed through a subatomic microscope due to the diminutive size of the Higgs boson. But it will be worth the inconvenience, I can assure you,” Abrams said.

Higgs boson Asking Director J.J. Abrams For A Part In New Star Wars Movie

Higgs boson Asking Director J.J. Abrams For A Part In New Star Wars Movie

Jesus Christ Will Play A Sith Lord In Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Director J.J. Abrams today announced that Jesus will play an evil Dark Lord of the Sith in the upcoming film, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” “I thought He might not return the message I left with His secretary saying I wished to speak with Him about the movie because I’m Jewish, and, well, you know, I don’t believe He’s god,” said Abrams earlier today. “But He called me right back and said He’d love to be in the film. We talked for a few minutes and quickly came up with a bad-ass Sith Lord character for Him to play. Darth Demonicus we’re calling him. I think fans are going to love the way Jesus handles a light saber and how damned evil His character’s gonna be.” “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens in December 2015.

Soon To Be Sith Lord,  Jesus, With Light Saber And Pet Lamb, Snuffles.

Soon To Be Sith Lord, Jesus, With Light Saber And Pet Lamb, Snuffles.