Yoda Talks With Jesus

Yoda e-mailed me this transcript of a conversation he had with Jesus a few months ago and I thought I’d share it with my readers. Check it out.

Yoda: For coming to Dagobah to talk, I thank you, Jesus.

Jesus Talking To Yoda

Jesus Talking

Jesus: No trouble, Master Yoda. I’ve loved you since 1980 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. I really hope J.J. Abrams can get the “Star Wars” series back to the quality exhibited in “Empire.” I’ll be bummed if he messes it up.

Yoda: In him, much faith I have. As many do in you. The Messiah, you are, some people say. From the dead have you risen, they proclaim. In this, much doubt I have. Explain this to me, you must.

Jesus: Well, it kinda has a lot to do with my dad, Yahweh. He’s a REALLY stubborn old bastard, to put it mildly. I mean that dude can hold a grudge over the silliest shit. For example, Moses once told him he was going to stop by one Sunday to watch football with him, but he got busy and forgot. Well, I’m telling you, you’d have thought Moses had tried to kill him the way he reacted. Screaming, yelling, throwing giant boulders into the ground to make the Earth quake, what a scene. And even after Moses apologized like 50 times, my dad STILL refused to talk to him for almost two centuries. So, this guy holds grudges, BIG TIME.

Yoda: Calm he must learn to keep his mind. Anger, excitement, petty attachments, these things are paths to the dark side of the Force. Once you go down its path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Warned, your father must be of this.

Jesus: Oh, I’ve warned him many times. But, he’s God, and being God, he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it. And, in reality, he does. That’s why, when he got angry with Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth a few thousand years ago, he chose to act the child and proclaim he’d make them and ALL of their descendents suffer for it until the end of time. Thus, to this day, humans are made to suffer in many horrible ways. And all because Adam and Eve ate some fucking apple or peach that THE Lord God told them not to eat. He damn well knew they’d eat that fruit if he told them not to eat it. That’s WHY he told them not to eat it. Just to tempt them and to be an asshole. Then, when they do eat it, he goes on a tirade and makes life miserable for them and for EVERY human born since.

The Act That Condemned A Species

The Act That Condemned A Species

Yoda: Ways such as these are not those of the Jedi. For the Jedi, only by letting go of anger and jealousy can the Force truly reveal the true beauty of all life. The dark side do I sense in your father, Jesus. The ways of the Sith I sense in him.

 The Dark side I Sense In Yahweh

The Sith I Sense In Yahweh

Jesus: I just sense the shitty ways of an old grouch when I think about him. He actually wanted me to let the Romans, 2000 years ago, whip me and crucify me as a way for humanity to be forgiven for the sin of Adam and Eve eating that damn fruit. Can you believe the nerve of that dude?

Yoda: This you did not do, I hope. Painful, meaningless, and needless does it sound. For one so powerful, Yahweh is yet so very weak. He would not a good Jedi make.

Jesus: Hell no, I didn’t do it! He wanted me to suffer horribly, die, and then come back to life three days later proclaiming I was the Messiah and the path to forgiveness and to life ever after in Heaven were to be found only through me. I told him to let the god damned Romans torture HIS ass and kill HIM if he wanted a patsy for some stupid “crime” Adam and Eve committed by eating a fucking piece of fruit. Of course, he didn’t do it. Who would? Only a masochistic idiot, I’d say.  The stories you hear about me being a Messiah and returning from the grave are just that, stories. Told mostly by St. Paul. A guy I don’t care for at all, but, of course, my dad just happens to love. See, Yahweh appeared to Paul, and told him what to say and write to start a religion based on me and the shit I wouldn’t actual do when he asked me to. So he had Paul lie, and say it happened any way. He made a whole religion, using my good name, that’s based on guilt, self-loathing, and the idea that humans are born stained because the first two ate a fucking piece of fruit Yahweh told them not to. Utterly ridiculous, sickening, and cruel. My Pop just isn’t very nice, is he?

Yoda: Nice he is not. Stopped he should be. The truth people should learn. Foolish to follow a god such as this, it is. A Sith Lord he is. Darth Logos his name now is. To call him another name, foolish it would be. The path of a Jedi for you, Jesus, awaits. Train you I can. The ways of the Force, teach you I must. For only then strong enough will you be to defeat your father, and his ways of evil forever end.

Darth Yahweh

Darth Logos

Jesus: I kinda like the sound of that, Master Yoda. Your pupil I will be. I do have one small request though.

Yoda: This I will do, if possible for me, it is.

Jesus: It’d make my millennium if you could ask J.J. Abrams, next time you talk to him, to give me a small cameo in “Star Wars Episode 7.” I don’t need a speaking part or anything. I just want to be in it, in a crowd shot, even.

Yoda: This will I do, my young Padawan. Now, time it is for you to begin your training. A great evil there is for you to overcome. A great evil.

Jesus: Let’s rock and roll, Master Yoda. Let’s rock and roll.

Rudolph To Play A Sith Lord In Star Wars 7

J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith

“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often.  Now, if  I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”