Cheeky City, England. During a rehearsal today for his upcoming production of Hamlet, Jesus was warned by His brother, the Anti-Christ, that His fly was open. “Thank Myself he did that,” said The King of Kings, “I can just imagine how embarrassing it would have been to be in the middle of the To be or not to be speech and have people laughing cause my fly was wide open. Ugh! My brother gets a bad rap, but deep down, he’s a pretty good bloke. You just have to get to know him is all.”
Hamlet will open this June in Chicago with Jesus as Hamlet, Moses as Polonius, Mary Magdalene as Ophelia, Abraham as the Ghost, and the Anti-Christ as Laertes. Satan is rumored to be playing Claudius, though that has not yet been officially confirmed.
In news today that no one was expecting, Jesus, The Son of God, announced he wants to be an actor. “My Pops recently sold Heaven to Disney, and that’s inspired me to fulfill my eternity’s long dream of becoming an A-list Hollywood and Broadway actor,” The King of Kings said earlier. “Shakespeare and I were talking just the other day about what a kick ass Hamlet I’d make. I mean, who knows more about following in the foot steps of a great father than me, eh? I’ve also been itching to play Javert in “Les Miserables” ever since I was forced to sit through the God-awful singing of Russell Crowe in the movie version that came out on my birthday a few years ago. UGH! I have an amazing singing voice, and babes always swoon when they hear it, so I know I’d knock that part right out of the park!” We here at TACP wish the Son of Man all the best in His new career, and please, Jesus, remember us when you are accepting that first Oscar a few years from now, OK?
“I am not what I am.” Iago, in Shakespeare’s “Othello”, says this just after telling the audience he is going to destroy Othello’s life simply because he hates him. He is going to do this, he tells us, while outwardly appearing to be honest, loyal, and dutifully dedicated to Othello. He is referred to as “honest Iago” multiple times throughout the play. The cunning deceptions and subtle lures he uses to drive Othello into murderous madness and suicide are cleverly done and it is not at all obvious to anyone in the play what he is up to until it is far too late to do anything about it. I, too, am not what I am. I, too, have used lures to get fish to bite the special hooks I’ve left for them with some of the posts I write. However, my lures and hooks are not subtle. Nor are they hidden. As a matter of fact, they are so blatantly obvious there is no way in hell I thought anyone would NOT know what they were. But fish bite them every time I leave them without exception.
Believe me, I try VERY hard to leave lures that scream, “Don’t bite! It’s a trick,” just to see if fish will bite anyway. They always do. Yesterday the biggest fish yet bit. He bit so hard, my blog tripled the total number of people who’ve viewed it in the last 5 months in less than 3 hours. I still am stunned by it. I truly can not believe it. My reasons for writing this blog are very personal. I’ve no intention of ever discussing them here. But I assure you, as far as the writings on this blog go, I am not what I am. I never expected anyone to read this blog. I swear too much and I deliberately exaggerate my anger in many of the posts just because it gives me a woody when I do. I’m glad for the few really cool people who do read it and get it though. I’ve made a few friends here I wouldn’t have otherwise, really decent people, too. But getting people to read it has never been my reason for writing it. That said, I would like to thank Ken Ham for taking the bait I recently left out for him and creationists in a post I wrote about him being my Christmas dinner.
He personally trashed it on his website ( I wonder why?) while leaving a link to it embedded in the article. Because he did that, countless new readers came by today. Several are now following this blog. I left a hook out there with a worm on it so massive and ridiculously obvious I NEVER in 6000 years thought ANYONE would bite it, least of all Ham himself. Ham is most certainly not who I thought he was. I always believed he was highly intelligent and intuitively bright. And I had respect for his common sense about the world around him. But anyone who takes the bait I leave out in posts from this blog, a blog clearly written by an imbecilic buffoon claiming he deserves a Nobel Prize because he pontificates so well on things he knows nothing about, is a very, very long way away from being bright or intelligent.
When conservative Christians say a-theists are evil and will burn in hell because they do not believe Jesus is god, I’m offended to the marrow of my bones. I feel as though my life and well-being are in imminent danger. To be morally damned and hated merely because I exist is not something I find palatable. Thus, I feel it only fair to share these feelings with those who gave them to me by writing posts deliberately meant to do just that. A childish revenge game perhaps, but it makes me feel good to play it so I’m not stopping. I always think no one will be dumb enough not to see what it is I’m really doing, but someone ALWAYS takes the bait, and it ALWAYS surprises me when they do. I’m not disappointed they do. Just surprised they can’t see how deliberately the trap was set. I don’t post any of the comments made by these fish either because I don’t care what they think of me, only that I offended them, for at least awhile, in the way they offend me. I like that. I also get a few stunningly idiotic comments from a-theists on these posts telling me “my argument was too crude and doesn’t represent a-theists correctly.” My argument? WHAT argument! You read a post about the cannibalization of Christians on a blog filled with utterly ridiculous nonsense written by a clown who says he deserves a Nobel Prize just because he wants one and you think it was intended as a serious argument?! AND you then feel compelled to comment on it as if you think it I care? Ugh! As well, I get a few “expert” literary critics who leave comments which will never be posted wishing to enlighten me to the fact that writing about eating Christians and boiling them alive is too crude and over-the-top to be good, effective satire. Really? I’d never have guessed that. Thanks.
To conclude, I’ll reiterate a few things. I write this blog for very personal reasons. I’m God on it and I approve comments I like. If that aggravates you, good. I want it to. I don’t like you. And BTW, your fly is open. I do not care if what I say isn’t fair, isn’t great satire, is offensive to you, is crude, or doesn’t present a-theism correctly. I’m not presenting a-theist arguments here. I’m here to bother people unfairly. I like it. It gives my a stiffy. I love that I caught Ham on my hook. It means I got to him with the most inane, crude, and nonsensical made-up crap imaginable. I pissed him off. I bothered him. And I truly did not think he’d fall for my trap. THAT makes me feel good. Is it petty? Yes. Childish? Yes. Effective, fair arguing? No. And I can care less. What’s amazing, too, is the idiots who commented how threateningly real the chances actually are I’m really going to eat Mr. Ham. No way in hell that’ll happen folks. I’ve decided I’m eating Pat Robertson on Christmas instead. BTW, this is BAIT. A lure. It’s on a hook. THE WHOLE POST IS A LURE. And you fish will still bite it, won’t you. I am not what I am. Writing is great therapy and a great release. Gotta go walk my dog and drive my Pastor to the airport in bit. Night all.
In news that can only be called miraculous, Disney has had Shakespeare, yes, THAT Shakespeare, brought back from the dead to aid director J.J. Abrams in rewriting the screen play for the highly anticipated, “Star Wars Episode 7.” “I do not have a fucking clue as to how they pulled this off,” said a happy Abrams today. “But Will and I have bonded like a couple of old college buddies, and the script we’re writing is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Shakespeare is not only an amazing writer, he’s funny as hell and a HUGE Star Wars fan. He was dressed as Grand Moff Tarkin when I first was introduced to him, actually. My understanding is, now that Disney has broken the bank on bringing Will back, they’re going to get all they can outta this. Shakespeare is lined up to write the scripts for ” Nemo: A Fish Outta Water” and “Snow White vs The Lion King”, two films coming out in 2015. For me, this is an opportunity I never thought anyone could possibly ever have, so I’m honored and thrilled to actually be doing it.”
The only evidence which exists (evidence that for 250 -300 years no one saw any need to question) of who wrote the works of Shakespeare is that Shakespeare wrote them, though not always alone. It has become well accepted by most Shakespearean scholars today that some of Shakespeare’s plays were written in collaboration with other writers. “Titus Andronicus” and “Henry the 8th” are two which come to mind. This means that the collaborators would have had to agree to hide the real Shakespeare’s identity too. Why? Really, why? Here is an excellent article from 2005 which illustrates my view on this matter and why I no longer think it is acceptable to simply ignore this issue, as I did for decades hoping it would just fade away.
While an inquisitive mind and a willingness to sometimes look outside the box are skills every good scholarly skeptic needs, the first and foremost job of any good scientist is to find evidence supporting a hypothesis which can withstand hard, logical scrutiny from those who question its validity before one can begin to form a theory based on that hypothesis. The hypothesis that someone other than Shakespeare HAD to have written Shakespeare hasn’t produced any such evidence. Evidence that some of his last plays and a few of his very first ones having been written in collaboration with other writers does exist. This proves to nullify any authorship controversy for me completely.
Lastly, as much as I love and value Shakespeare, in the grand scheme of the Elizabethan and our current world, he just wasn’t and isn’t important enough to forge a hidden author conspiracy over. Really, Shakespeare was an actor and a play write like Quintin Tarantino is a screen writer and a director today. As much as I love and admire them both, and as great a loss as it would be to the world to have never had Shakespeare’s works to show us what it is to be truly human, the fucking stability of the cosmos does not rest on his or any artist’s works having ever existed at all. It just isn’t that fucking important. Really, it isn’t. Think about it.