J.J. Abrams announced today that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer has been cast in the next “Star Wars” movie as a Sith Lord called, Darth Nose.
Rudolph As Darth Nose, Dark Lord Of The Sith
“It’s gonna be great when Darth Nose fights the older, wiser Luke Skywalker,” said Abrams. “Luke will be physically over matched by the Sith Lord, but will use his great wit, like a self-awarded Nobel Prize winner ripping on conspiracy theorists, to mock the Dark Lord into submission. Luke will repeatedly make fun of Darth Nose’s name, saying things like, ‘If you have a question, ask Darth. He NOSE everything,’ and ‘Who NOSE what evil lurks in hearts of men? Darth NOSE!’ It’ll be hilarious and poignant at the same time. I’m ecstatic, also, that we got Rudolph to play the part because, not only will it save us over a million dollars not having to put a CGI nose on a regular reindeer, Rudolph is one of the finest actors working today. I saw his Hamlet last year, and it was so brilliant I literally wept, openly, freely and often. Now, if I can just get Santa to play a Jedi Master, I’ll have my whole cast set. Santa was in a version of ‘King Lear’ recently, and I simply do not have enough superlatives to describe his performance. In my honest opinion, no one will be able to play Lear again after that. It was truly THAT amazing. So cross your fingers for me, cause I’m meeting with him tomorrow about the movie. I’ll certainly let everyone know what comes of it. Until then, May the Force Be With You.”
President Obama today said too much time had been wasted on debates about whether or not we should launch a military strike against Syria for its recent use of chemical weapons. “It’s time to hit those bastards hard for using that weapon. It caused great pain and suffering to those struck by it.” The President said. “So I’ve decided to deploy a secret pain inducing weapon of our own to Syria to show its leaders exactly what unfair, nasty, ugly warfare is like. Secret weapon, Miley Cyrus, will enter Syria and wag her tongue at every Syrian Official she finds. She will then gyrate her skinny ass in their faces while she sings every song in her catalog over and over and over again. Psychologists have determined no human mind can tolerate more than 30 minutes of this treatment without suffering a complete and irreversible psychic collapse. After Ms. Cyrus is finished with Syria, I absolutely fucking guarantee you they’ll never use a chemical weapon again.”
Obama Tells Syria, I’m Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!
Miley Cyrus Says, I’m Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria’s Ass
Shakespeare Is Really Pissed At Mumford And Sons
An angry Shakespeare called the British folk band, Mumford and Sons, plagiarizers and sons-of-bitches this morning from his home in Elysium. “This is ridiculous,” The Bard proclaimed, while chewing on a big-ass piece of bubble gum. “They took the words to MY song, ‘Sigh No More’, from MY play, ‘Much Ado About Nothing’, and put them in a money-making song they claim is “theirs”! Fuck that! I’m a business man above and foremost. It’s not OK to steal my shit and profit from it without giving me a cut. Did they think because I’m living on another plane of existence I wouldn’t find out, eventually? Plagiarizing pricks! Write your own fucking lyrics to your own fucking songs or pay me for using mine! I’m going to sue them. I’m going to sue them for everything they have and make them dance naked in front of me while they beg forgiveness from me. Then I’ll throw rotten veggies at them and laugh! Bastards! How dare they do this!? I can assure you this: They’ll wish they never heard the name William Shakespeare by the time I’m done with ’em!”