Santa Joins The Tea Party Then Fires Half His Staff

In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America.  He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated.  President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that.  It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did.  It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.

So I'm A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping.  Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too.  Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas.  Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing.  People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’  Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich!  God bless America! I fucking love you!”

Jesus And Santa Cancel Christmas For Poor And Dying Children

Santa Looking Over Names Of Poor And Dying Kids

Santa Looking Over Names Of Poor And Dying Kids

Christmas will not be coming this year for terminally ill and poor children. Santa and Jesus have cancelled it. But just for them.

Christmas Has Been Cancelled For All Poor And Dying Kids. Amen

Christmas Has Been Cancelled For All Poor And Dying Kids. Amen

“Santa and I decided,” Jesus said, “that since dying kids have no need for gifts, and poor kid’s parents can’t afford to buy gifts, such children really have no right to be celebrating Christmas anyway. I mean, who’s bloody fault is it that so many kids are poor? Mine? Santa’s? Fuck no! God, my father, gave each person his or her own free will. If some parents are too lazy to apply theirs to getting themselves, and their children, out of poverty, I sure as hell am NOT going to feel bad about it.  And if a kid is dying, why be so cruel as to let him celebrate Christmas and allow him to have a glimmer of hope that surely will die, just like he will, in only a few short weeks?  Naw. Better to cancel Christmas for these kids and focus on healthier, wealthier human beings and their little brats. THOSE kids actually deserve our efforts and will appreciate them much more than half-dead, barely conscious ones, and ones who go to bed hungry every night because their parents are just too damn lazy to get a job to support them.”