I’ve Won The Offensive Blogger Award

Dude, This Blog Is Offensive

Dude, This Blog Is Offensive

Great news this morning.  I created a new blogger award and gave it to myself.  It’s The Offensive Blogger Award, and here’s why I received it.

1.) Gratuitous use of the word “fuck” for no good fuckin’ reason.

2.) Continuously publishing posts about Republicans that say they are greedy, heartless, bastards in a one-sided, prejudiced way.

3.) Blog shows a vile, and unfettered dislike towards Creationists and other right-wing religious conservatives who bother the living fuck outta me with their idiotic banter and continuous bitching about how THEIR rights are being violated because I don’t kiss their asses and praise them for believing in invisible sky fairies.

4.) Blog makes too many lists of silly shit in its posts.

5.) Blog picks far too much on pedophile rapist priests and the Catholic Church which breeds, distributes, and protects them from prosecution by covering up their crimes and hiding them in one unsuspecting community after another.  Fuck the Catholic Church.  Hard.  (See, I just did it again)

6.) And, lastly, though I insist everyone in life has a right to express their opinions, I deeply believe those who do not agree with mine are completely wrong.  Why?  Because I read it here on my blog, and everyone knows that if something is written down, it surely can’t be wrong.

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Meet Carly, The Carpet Bomb

Hello.  I'm Carly, the Carpet Bomb.  Do you have enemies who'd you'd like to kill?  Do your neighbors do things so differently than you it makes you ill?  Then you need my services.  How do I work?  Easy.  Simply wait til as many people you dislike and want dead are gathered in one spot and drop me on top of them from a helicopter or high ladder.  I'll cover the bastards and cut off their oxygen until they're all dead.   I'm reusable, and stain free, so if any of your enemies decides to bleed or throw up on me, you can easily wash it out.  Order my services now for 12.99 a kill, and I'll bring my friend, Terry the Throw Rug with me to help you kill those pesky kids who keep running on your new lawn.  Just toss Tommy on top of the kids, and, presto, he'll tear their heads off for you.

Hello.  I’m Carly, the Carpet Bomb.  Do you have enemies you’d like to kill?  Do your neighbors do things so differently than you that it makes you ill?  Then you need my services.  How do I work?  Easy.  Simply wait til as many people you dislike are gathered in one spot and drop me on top of them from a helicopter or high ladder.  I’ll cover the bastards and cut off their oxygen until they’re all dead.  I’m reusable, and stain free, so if any of your enemies decide to bleed or throw up on me, it easily washes out.  Order my services now for only 12.99 a kill, and I’ll bring my friend, Terry, the Small Throw Rug with me to help you kill those pesky neighborhood kids who run on your lawn and make noise.  Just toss Tommy on top of them, and, presto, they suffocate like bagged rats in a decompression chamber.  Don’t let your enemies and others who bother you live.  They don’t deserve to.

Make The Government Smaller: Privatize The Military

A Private Military = A Smaller Government

A Private Military = A Smaller Government

Tinybudget, Kansas.   Does the idea of a smaller, less invasive government make your willy tingle?  Do you like the idea of doing whatever the hell you want without the “Government” poking around with its “Army” telling you what you can and can not do?  Well, then, we’ve got just the political website for you: makethemilitaryprivate.org.   The founders of makethemilitaryprivate.org, a guy named Steve and two gals named Sally, think that there’s no better way to get the Government off your back and greatly reduce your taxes than to privatize the military.   How will this work?  Well, let’s say a theocratic lunatic like Ted Cruz wants to carpet bomb the Middle East.  With a private military, he can.  The only difference is, HE’LL have to put the army together and pay for it himself.  All of it.  Also, let’s say people in the Middle East get pissed when Cruz carpet bombs them and want revenge.  They won’t need to attack random Americans to get it, they can simply attack Ted Cruz-the guy who personally paid to have them carpet bombed.   So, if this sounds like a spiffy cause to you, go to makethemilitaryprivate.org to sign our petition and make a donation.  Take the military out of the hands of “Big Brother” and put it into the hands of “Rich Brother”.  Support makethemilitaryprivate.org.  Ted Cruz will be glad you did.

Donald Trump Kills Puppies, Rises In Popularity

Donald Trump: Killer of Puppies

Donald Trump: Killer of Puppies

Hate-Da-Poor City, New Jersey.   In order to show how evil he is and how insipidly vile the Republican Party is, Donald Trump today killed 45 puppies on live TV.  “I killed these 45 puppies with this sawed off shotgun to illustrate that, no matter how disgusting my actions are, Republicans will still worship the ground I walk on as if I were a god,” Mr. Trump said, right after killing the pups. “My poll numbers skyrocket with each disgusting behavior I publicly exhibit.  This proves to me that I WILL be your President, America, because I’m exactly the type of President you deserve.  God bless you, America, and God bless the rich.”

Sarah Palin Endorses Donald Trump

I give my suppor' to Donal' Trum'.... ISIS!  Liberal policies of 'Bama!  Need BANG!  BANG!  Toughness!  Trum' has dis.... ISIS!!!!!  BANG!!! POW!!! KILL!!!! NOW!!!!! Trum'!  Donal'!  He mus' win da day!  Sissy, homo Democrats, DIE!!!! DIE!!!! ISIS!!! MEXICANS!!!!  Not legal!!!! DIE!!!!  BOOM!!! ISIS!!!!  Me smart, like Donal' Trum'!!!!   Thank you for listening.  Have a nice day.  ISIS!!! BANG!!!!

I give my suppor’ to Donal’ Trum’…. ISIS!…Liberal policies of ‘Bama! Need BANG! BANG!…Toughness!..Big wee-wee!… Trum’ has dis things!!…. ISIS!!!!! BANG!!! POW!!! KILL!!!! NOW!!!!! Trum’! Donal’! He mus’ win da day! Sissy, homo Democrats, DIE!!!! DIE!!!! ISIS!!! MEXICANS!!!! Not legal!!!! DIE!!!! BOOM!!! ISIS!!!! Me smart, like Donal’ Trum’!!!!   Tank ‘ew for listening.  Have nice day.  Vote fer Donal’….ISIS!!! Mexicans!! Wiberals!!! BANG!!!! BANG!!!! KILL!!!! KILL!!!! KILL!!!

You Know You’re a Republican If……

stock-photo-illustration-of-a-republican-elephant-mascot-of-the-republican-grand-old-party-gop-wearing-hat-and-112207634

1.) You see a black teenager in a hoodie walking through your cul-de-sac and you immediately draw your concealed handgun and kill him.

2.) You insist undocumented Hispanics living in America be violently deported yet, secretly, have several of them working for you in menial labor jobs for .15 cents an hour.

3.) The Pastor of your church is also the head of your local Klu Klux Klan division.

4.) You truly, deeply believe America was founded by, and for, Christians sometime in the early 1950’s.

5.) You have a deep faith that Jesus is the loving savior of all mankind and hates gays.

6.) You believe the poor, disabled guy who just asked you for a dollar is a lazy, mooching bastard living off the tax dollars of real Americans like you.

7.) You think people who find Donald Trump to be a repugnant excuse of a human being are leftist, Commie, Muslim, liberal, atheist terrorists who are destroying America.

8.) You believe a woman’s right to choose ends with what she decides to wear for the day.

9.) You believe being asked to pay taxes for the public services you use is akin to being asked to have your testicles removed without the benefit of anesthesia.

10.) You think it’s a goddamn shame the Confederacy lost the fuckin’ war.