Theocrat Town, Texas. Ted Cruz today released a statement in which he claims all WordPress users are gay. “Since WordPress allows individuals a platform to express opinions that do not support Jesus, and me, Ted Cruz, his anointed spokesmen on Earth, I must concur, using the powerful brain Jesus gave me, that all WordPress users are gay. I don’t like gay people and think they’re icky. To get back at me, they’ve created WordPress to express themselves in ways I, and Jesus, do not condone. I find this offensive and a horrible violation of my right, as a Christian, to cram my religion up the asses of every man, woman, and child in America. Once I’m President, I’ll put an end to WordPress, gays, Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, poor people, disabled people, liberals and everyone else in America who refuses to kiss my rectum and follow my religion. God bless America, and God bless freedom!”
Great news this morning. I created a new blogger award and gave it to myself. It’s The Offensive Blogger Award, and here’s why I received it.
1.) Gratuitous use of the word “fuck” for no good fuckin’ reason.
2.) Continuously publishing posts about Republicans that say they are greedy, heartless, bastards in a one-sided, prejudiced way.
3.) Blog shows a vile, and unfettered dislike towards Creationists and other right-wing religious conservatives who bother the living fuck outta me with their idiotic banter and continuous bitching about how THEIR rights are being violated because I don’t kiss their asses and praise them for believing in invisible sky fairies.
4.) Blog makes too many lists of silly shit in its posts.
5.) Blog picks far too much on pedophile rapist priests and the Catholic Church which breeds, distributes, and protects them from prosecution by covering up their crimes and hiding them in one unsuspecting community after another. Fuck the Catholic Church. Hard. (See, I just did it again)
6.) And, lastly, though I insist everyone in life has a right to express their opinions, I deeply believe those who do not agree with mine are completely wrong. Why? Because I read it here on my blog, and everyone knows that if something is written down, it surely can’t be wrong.
Why did the necrophiliac break up with her Republican boyfriend?
Because the only thing truly dead about him was his heart.
Tinybudget, Kansas. Does the idea of a smaller, less invasive government make your willy tingle? Do you like the idea of doing whatever the hell you want without the “Government” poking around with its “Army” telling you what you can and can not do? Well, then, we’ve got just the political website for you: makethemilitaryprivate.org. The founders of makethemilitaryprivate.org, a guy named Steve and two gals named Sally, think that there’s no better way to get the Government off your back and greatly reduce your taxes than to privatize the military. How will this work? Well, let’s say a theocratic lunatic like Ted Cruz wants to carpet bomb the Middle East. With a private military, he can. The only difference is, HE’LL have to put the army together and pay for it himself. All of it. Also, let’s say people in the Middle East get pissed when Cruz carpet bombs them and want revenge. They won’t need to attack random Americans to get it, they can simply attack Ted Cruz-the guy who personally paid to have them carpet bombed. So, if this sounds like a spiffy cause to you, go to makethemilitaryprivate.org to sign our petition and make a donation. Take the military out of the hands of “Big Brother” and put it into the hands of “Rich Brother”. Support makethemilitaryprivate.org. Ted Cruz will be glad you did.
Hate-Da-Poor City, New Jersey. In order to show how evil he is and how insipidly vile the Republican Party is, Donald Trump today killed 45 puppies on live TV. “I killed these 45 puppies with this sawed off shotgun to illustrate that, no matter how disgusting my actions are, Republicans will still worship the ground I walk on as if I were a god,” Mr. Trump said, right after killing the pups. “My poll numbers skyrocket with each disgusting behavior I publicly exhibit. This proves to me that I WILL be your President, America, because I’m exactly the type of President you deserve. God bless you, America, and God bless the rich.”