Narcissist Valley, North Dakota. Donald Trump announced today that he is madly in love with himself and plans to marry himself after he becomes President in November. “I’m friggin’ HOT baby! I’m so good-looking, suave, and brilliant, that if I could make love to myself and produce more of me, I would,” Mr. Trump said earlier. “Has anyone in America EVER seen a more masculine, more buff, more eloquent hunk of a man-god than me? Of course not. I LOVE myself, and as soon as I whip the shit outta whichever pansy, liberal, atheist, socialist asshole wins the Democratic nomination in November, I’m gonna marry myself and take myself to Paris for a 4 week honeymoon. Thanks to all my supporters out there who continually confirm for me that I am as godlike as I think I am. I….well…I was gonna say I love you, but since I don’t actually love anyone but myself, all I can say is..I kinda like ya’.”
Whiteman City, Texas. Here’s a bit of wild, hard to believe, breaking news I thought I simply MUST share with my readers the moment I made it up.
Check out these great Christmas gift ideas available now at The Arm Chair Pontificator store.
1.) The Crusades Action Playset: Wadda buy that Christian kid you know who just has EVERYTHING? The Crusades Action Playset, that’s what! This little beauty comes with a miniature replica of Medieval Jerusalem, Ten Christian Crusader action figures to storm it, and Ten Muslim warrior action figures to defend it. Help the Christian child in your life learn the sacred value of raping, killing, and stealing from Muslim heathens with this realistically designed playset. As a bonus, each figure comes with its very own miniaturized circulatory system which sprays blood over twelve inches into the air when the figure is stabbed. Buy one now for only $22.78, and we’ll throw in an “Abortion Is Murder” T-shirt absolutely free.
2.) Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Liberals: These life-sized Liberals are the ideal gift for the Conservative Republican in your life who just loves to physically beat the sh*t out of every left-wing liberal he knows. Stand in utter amazement as you watch the Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Liberal take punch after Republican punch while doing absolutely nothing to defend itself. Buy now for $17.98 while supplies last. They’re going fast, so hurry if you want one.
3.) 100 Tax-Exempt Certificates: When you buy it for God, you buy it tax-free. This box of 100 tax exempt certificates is the ideal present for that wealthy Christian you know who’d rather see roads crumble and poor people starve than pay another tax. Each certificate comes with an authentic George W. Bush signature verifying it’s authenticity. Help wealthy Christians stay wealthy. Give ’em these beautifully designed tax-exempt certificates this Christmas. Each box of 100 is only a meager $244.97, plus tax.
That’s all for now, folks.