Things Pumpkins Would Say

You know why I'm smiling? I'm smiling because some sadistic bastard cut open the top of my head, gored out my innards, and CARVED this big-ass grin into my face! I may look happy, but believe me, I sure ain't. I'm in AGONY!

You know why I’m smiling? I’m smiling because some sadistic bastard cut open the top of my head, gored out my innards, and CARVED this big-ass grin into my face! I may look happy, but believe me, I sure ain’t. I’m in AGONY!

 

I was a perfectly happy pumpkin living my life in a pumpkin patch until some asshole took me home and carved me into this replica of Dick Cheney. I've now got to live the remainder of my days looking like this vile prick. I fuckin' HATE Halloween. Really, I do.

I was a perfectly happy pumpkin living my life in a pumpkin patch until some asshole took me home and carved me into this replica of Dick Cheney. I’ve now got to live the remainder of my days looking like this vile prick. I fuckin’ HATE Halloween. Really, I do.