Nuttylady Town, Alaska. Sarah Palin today, after blaming President Obama for the PTSD which supposedly made her son beat up his girlfriend, claimed the best way to end PTSD is to increase the number of wars America is involved in. “If President Obama weren’t such a sissy, and black, we’d have destroyed ISIS already,” Governor Palin said earlier. “He’s so weak, he’s practically a girl. I happen to have the personal addresses of every ISIS member in the world. I’ve offered to give these to President Obama on the condition he carpet bomb the cities where the addresses are located. Instead of taking me up on this offer, Obama suggested I needed serious psychiatric help. What an effeminate, liberal, black guy. We’ll never end the PTSD that caused my son, who never saw combat, BTW, to beat the shit out of his girlfriend until we bomb the crap out of most of the world. The only country that matters anywhere, is America. That’s what Jesus said when he and our founding fathers wrote the U.S. Constitution sometime in the early 1950’s, and that’s the only reality I see. Screw liberals, screw black guys who are President, and screw anyone who doesn’t want to bomb the fuck outta shit!!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!”
White House Garage, Washington D.C. A tearful President Obama announced today he was devastated because he lost the keys to his ’87 Volkswagen Bug over the weekend. “Those keys were special to me because they were on a key chain Vladimir Putin gave me after I drank his ass under the table the last time I visited Moscow,” the President said. “It had a little plastic statue of Putin on it that I rubbed for good luck every time I made a military decision. WTF am I going to do now? What?! I’m sorry, I simply must go lie down and cry for a while. Please forgive me.” Let’s hope the President finds his keys and his key chain soon, eh? World peace may very well depend on it.
We here at TACP have recently gotten into the movie producing business. We have several films in various stages of production that we plan on releasing in 2015. A few of them are listed and described below.
Barack Obama And The Temple of Doom: Plot: President Obama and his band of Howling Commandos invade the Tea Party’s Temple of Doom, AKA, the state of Texas, in search of the long-lost “Holy Grail Of Socialized Medicine.” If Barack and his boys recover the Grail before the Conservative Tea Party members can melt it down into buck shot, every American citizen will have equal access to quality health care; if not, things remain as they are, unfair, unequal, and shitty for the poor and unemployed. Staring President Obama and Governor Rick Perry as themselves. Directed by Stephen Spielberg.
The Odd Couple Redux: Plot: Old college buddies, Jesus, the Son of God and Richard Dawkins are kicked out of their homes by their respective spouses and are forced to live together in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan in order to make ends meet. Hilarious adventures ensue as Jesus, a very anal retentive neat freak, tries to put up with atheist Dawkins’ sloppy lifestyle and blasphemous rants. It all comes to a riotous climax when Jesus discovers Dawkins in bed with his (Jesus’) ex-wife, Mary Magdalene. Staring Jesus Christ and Richard Dawkins as themselves and Miley Cyrus as Mary Magdalene. Directed by me, TACP.
Marvel’s Avengers: Age Of Cheney: Plot: The Avengers must fight their deadliest foe yet when former VP Dick Cheney reveals himself to be the villainous Doctor Doom and declares himself the sole ruler of the United States. Will even the combined might of Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, and Captain America be enough to stop Cheney before he wipes the last liberal democrat in America from the face of the Earth? Staring Dick Cheney as Doctor Doom and The Avengers as themselves. Directed by Joss Whedon.
Pedophile Priests V Predator: Plot: The Vatican sends 8 pedophile rapist priests into space in order to protect them from legal prosecution for their crimes. The rapists’ joy at avoiding prosecution quickly dims, however, when they find their ship has landed on the home world of the Predator. It is now they who become the prey of a far older and more cunning predator than any of them ever dreamed of being during their days as child rapists. Staring: Pope Emeritus Benedict as “The Pope,” and The Predator as himself. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola.
Fini, for now.
“I’m as shocked as everyone else about this news,” President Obama said today, “but the U.S. simply can not afford to put another bullet in another gun anywhere at any time in the foreseeable future. Our military is, quite simply put, utterly and completely broke. Thus I’ve been forced to recall all military personnel from every place on the planet until we can collect enough money to send ’em all back, armed and eager to kill for their country on command. Until then, America will have to focus on its own borders (with rocks and sticks if need be) and pray the Canadians and/or Mexicans do not take this opportunity to launch an invasion. I apologize to those Americans who’ve enjoyed expanding our interests overseas through the use of bombs, tanks, and drones, but we simply no longer have the money to pay for such things. On the bright side, however, Congress assures me, that, if every American cuts back on things like medicine, food, clothing, and their children’s educations, and donates the money instead to the military budget, we’ll be back to bombing and killing in the Middle East in almost no time at all. Remember, America, it’s the countries that pray together, and save together, that can best afford to bomb and kill together.”
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In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.
“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!
President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.
Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”
This Sunday evening Creationist Ken Ham, former Skeptic Movement member, PZ Myers, and President Obama will debate the pros and cons of men having beards and/or mustaches on a live, televised event from the White House. “I know that this has been a pressing issue on the minds of every American for sometime now,” President Obama said earlier, “and I felt it was time I addressed the issue rather than let it remain a very large elephant in our very small room of a country for much longer. So I asked for help from two of the most unusual men I know, who also happen to have facial hair, and I shut down all network and cable broadcasts from 8 PM til 11 PM for this coming Sunday. We three men now have a full 3 hours to debate this issue. I asked Mr. Ham to help out with this debate for two reasons. One, because he wears a beard, and he looks damn good in it, too, I might add. And two, because of his unwavering ability to stand by his belief that the Universe is only 6000 years old in spite of the fact he couldn’t be more wrong than if he believed he were really a beautiful ballerina trapped inside a man’s body. I admire that kind of bull-headed stubbornness in a person; though I wouldn’t want him teaching in any school my kids attended. The crazy bastard.
I chose PZ Myers for two reasons as well. One, because he also has facial hair, though his makes him look a bit wolfen, IMO. And two, because of his courage to quit the Skeptic Movement when 98% of the country actually had no idea there even was one. Now that’s brave folks. A lesser man would just have stopped paying his monthly “Skeptic Movement” dues and said nothing. Drawing attention to one’s self over something as trivial as this could, well, it could leave you open to ridicule and increase your chances of being cannibalized. There are CRAZY people out there today, folks. CRAZY people!
I know that one of the leading causes of everything from divorce to drug abuse stems from the fact most women do not like their men to have facial hair. Apparently it irritates their skin when they kiss them. This very issue actually once drove me to toss a pair of dirty socks at Michelle when she told me, under no uncertain circumstances, that I could not grow facial hair if I ever hoped to kiss her, much less have sex with her, ever again. I’m a MAN, damn it all to Hell! And like all men, I think a beard looks fucking really cool on me. And VERY masculine! Damn it! I want one! Why do I have to choose?! Huh?! Why?! Friggin’ women! They know we can’t live without the “nookie.” They damn well know it! And they hold that shit over our heads to make us do what THEY want, when THEY want, and how THEY want, all the damn time! This here is a HUGE issue, people! Huge!
So, I’m really looking forward to Sunday and the 3 hours Ken, PZ, and I will be debating this, and other facial hair issues, on EVERY TV station in the country, at the exact same time. I’m damn curious how Ham got his wife to OK his facial hair, so I’ll start by asking him that. Probably got all Biblical on her ass and threatened to have her stoned to death if she complained, or some such shit. See, there is a benefit to being extremely dense after all. Anyway, tune in Sunday for what’s sure to be an awesome 3 hours of TV. See you then.”