Odd

As you walk down the street on your way home from work, you can’t help notice, as you do every day, that the people you walk past are very odd.   One man walks with a strange limp and is mumbling something aloud to himself about, “those damned people ruining the country.”   “Odd man,” you think to yourself, “Very odd indeed.”  Next you pass by a grocery store and a woman comes out with a bright purple dress and a large yellow hat tilted so far back on her head you can see her orange-colored hair that is uncombed and greasy.  “Damn,” you again say to yourself, “that’s one odd-looking lady!  Very odd indeed.”

Later, you stop by a McDonald’s to buy a burger for supper and you notice the kid taking your order has pimples and a large, protruding over bite.  “Fuck, you think to yourself, “this kid is funny-looking as hell.  What an odd life he must have to live looking like that.  No girls for him, I’ll bet!”   Then, as you’re leaving the restaurant, you notice a disheveled  homeless person asking people on the street for money.  “I ain’t got any,” you tell him when he asks.  “Shit,” you softly say to yourself when you know he can’t hear you, “that dude is odd, even for a homeless guy.  No one’s gonna give him a dime lookin’ like he does, the bum.”

Finally, as you approach the front door of your apartment building, a little girl walks out and accidentally bumps into you.   “Be careful, you little cretin!  Didn’t your parents teach you to be more careful when you’re walking out of a door?”  The girl merely smiles awkwardly at you showing off the fact two of her front teeth have fallen out.   “Now, THAT, looks really fuckin’ odd,” you say aloud when the girl has walked away.  God damned parents ought to be slapped for letting her walk around looking all goofy like that.   They should tell her to keep her mouth shut til her teeth grow back or other kids are gonna tease her to death for lookin’ like that.”  You quickly walk up the stairs to your apartment and go inside.

As you enter your apartment you remove your worn, leather jacket that has Star Trek insignias sown onto the sleeves.   You place it in your closet in front of your tattered collection of old Playboy magazines. Then you remove the obviously not real hair toupee from the top of your head and place it on top your dresser right next to the dozen or so unopened condoms you keep on hand, “just in case.”  You go to your ‘fridge and take out a beer.  Next, you sit on your couch and remove your shoes.  Your socks have so many holes in them that 8 of your ten toes, with their yellowish, very long nails, protrude from them.   You remove your shirt and loosen your belt.  This allows your round, overblown belly to flop freely out.   You pat it proudly and take a swig of the beer, belching loudly as you do.  You pick up the TV remote, turn on the nightly news, and lean comfortably back into the couch.   On the TV, a story about transgendered people in the military comes on. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” you shout back at it, “those people are way too odd to be allowed in the military.   I served in the military, and if there’s one thing anyone who knows me can tell ya’, there ain’t nuttin’ odd about me!”  You continue watching TV until you finally fall asleep, dreaming of the odd people you’ll see on your way to work in the morning.

 

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Others Are The Problem, New Study Finds

Those People Over There Are The Problem!

Acceptance Village, Alabama.   A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people.   “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou.  “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves.  Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt.   I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report.  Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.

My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone.   Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours.  When this happens, chaos ensues.  These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group.  Name-calling almost always follows.  Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted.   We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there.  I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now.  Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity.  You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars.  Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them.  If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”