A Prayer To The American God

Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe.   To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being.  The honor I feel when I hold thy firm, cold metal in my hand often overcomes me and causes my eyes to well with tears.  Thou, my Lord, hast given me protection against all of mine enemies: high school kids, grade school kids, church goers, country music fans, and those dancing in gay nightclubs.   It is because of thee, oh most Exulted One, that I am able to unleash my wrath onto a world that does not appreciate thy glory and the greatness you possess.

The Almighty God Surrounded By Holy Water

With your guidance, my King of Kings, I will continue my work to end the plague of the liberal and the anti-gun lobbyist.  I will not end my war until their oppression against thee has been vanquished and every high school student who hast offended they Greatness lies dead and bloodied upon thine altar of gun powder.   I go now, my Liege, to fulfill this Holy War upon the infidels who seek to suppress and deny thee thy rightful place upon the throne of the greatest country to ever allow the slaughter of its most innocent citizens.   With thy aid, I hope to have this goal achieved by Christmas 2019, and, barring any unforeseen interference by the FBI, I will.  Amen

Astros Won World Series Because God Wanted Them To

God Wanted This

Houston, Texas.     The Houston Astros won the World Series this past Wednesday because it is what God wanted, at least according to God.   “Yeah, after listening to prayers from both the Dodgers and the Astros, I decided that the Astros prayed better, longer and harder than the Dodgers, so I let them win,” God said earlier today.   “I don’t usually like sports teams from Texas, but in this case, I made an exception.   The Astros showed such humility and deep respect for Me, that I simply HAD to let them win.  As for the Dodgers, they just didn’t convince Me they loved and honored Me enough for Me to let them win.

As anyone who knows Me can tell you, I do good things only for those who worship Me best.   If more people would simply understand this, there’d be fewer earthquakes and hurricanes in the world and much more food and medicine for everyone to enjoy.  Oh, also, and I simply feel compelled to mention this, Me being Me and all, as a general rule, I pretty much only accept and listen to prayers from those who practice the one, true religion.  There’s only one that I really consider to be correct, but, Me being Me again, I’m not going to openly say which one it is.  So, take a guess, and maybe you’ll be right or, hopefully, on the particular day you pray, I’ll be in a generous mood and listen to you any way.  If not, don’t count on your team winning the World Series any time soon.”