The Tea Party announced today they’ve created a new product which is guaranteed to keep you, and your loved ones, safe from the pestilence of liberals forever. “Many of us in the Tea Party have grown weary of pointy nosed liberals poisoning our wells, eating our children, and voting in our elections,” said Tea Party member and former Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.
Liberal Away Kills Liberals Dead
“The Tea Party pulled together its vast resources and paid millions to Igor Flopdick, a former KGB agent who specializes in unique ‘pest’ elimination problems, to create Liberal Away for us. He did not disappoint. Liberal Away kills liberals on contact, yet remains completely harmless to Conservatives and Tea Party members. It is a new type of smart poison that, once sprayed, drifts in the air, harmlessly, until it comes into contact with a liberal. Once it does, he or she has less than 3 minutes to live. Thanks to the efforts of Mr.Flopdick, and the Tea Party, we now have an effective way to keep our children, our pets, and our elderly safe from the stench and filth of liberals forever. Amen to that I say. Amen to that.”
I Predict That…….
Forgot to do this earlier in the week, but I predicted last year that this would happen, so it simply adds to my confirmation bias that I’m an infallible genius because I said so. Anyway, I am an excellent psychic because I am a man of Faith. The one true Faith: Mine. Here are my predictions for 2014 which will happen, and if they don’t, I’ll say they did anyway and those who doubt me will be dubbed Faithless, a-theist bastards. And all Faithless, a-theist bastards will be burned at the stake for doubting me. Faith, my friends, is all you need.
The President will chastise the Nobel Prize Committee for not yet awarding me my Nobel Prize. He will then give me my own drone to intimidate them with until they do.
Ken Ham will kick Bill Nye’s ass during their debate forcing the ghost of Christopher Hitchens to return from the dead and drag Ken Ham back with him into Hell.
PZ Myers will be outed as a clown school drop out who’s only major accomplishment in life was to learn his ABC’s correctly way back in the 1st grade.
Tea Party members will continue to be rich, white, Christian, and irritating. However, those in the party owning guns, will all accidentally shoot themselves in the right foot during a routine barrel cleaning and proclaim, “Good God! Liberals have rigged my weapon to attack me somehow!”
Man-induced global warming will continue to increase until new strands of flesh-eating bacteria all but wipe out humanity. This will induce Republicans to proclaim,” Good God! Liberals have created new strands of flesh-eating bacteria and released them on us!”
Mitt Romney will still be pissed off about the election he lost to a black man.
Little boy Catholic priest rapists will be accused of embezzling funds from the Vatican bank prompting authorities to finally admit there is a definite problem in the Catholic Church with little boy priest rapists.
Sarah Palin will be abducted by a Yeti in Alaska and disappear for 9 months. When found, it will be learned she has become the proud mother of Yeti twins, a boy and a girl.
Jesus will return to Earth and slap the shit out of Christian religious leaders; he’ll then return to Heaven without once having uttered a single word.
Theology will be banned as an academic study and those seeking to study it will be placed in an empty, pitch-black room and told if they can find the raccoon in it, they can get some candy and go to heaven.
Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”
Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning
Russian President Vladimir Putin said today, while holding back tears, that President Obama called him a putz and a sissy for releasing a statement, addressed to the American people, which was very critical of American policies in the Middle East and on Syria in particular. “I can understand President Obama being angry with me,” Mr. Putin said, “but he did not have to call me in the middle of the night just to call me a putz and a sissy. Name calling is very immature and cruel. It leaves deep psychological scars on its victims. It may not be obvious to everyone, but I’m a very sensitive person, and when people shout at me and call me names, well, it hurts. I’ve been in tears since getting off the phone. I demand that President Obama call me back and apologize. If he doesn’t, well, that will just be one less Christmas card I’ll be sending out next year then, won’t it?!”
Hurt Putin Wants Apology
Obama: “You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me?!”
President Obama today said too much time had been wasted on debates about whether or not we should launch a military strike against Syria for its recent use of chemical weapons. “It’s time to hit those bastards hard for using that weapon. It caused great pain and suffering to those struck by it.” The President said. “So I’ve decided to deploy a secret pain inducing weapon of our own to Syria to show its leaders exactly what unfair, nasty, ugly warfare is like. Secret weapon, Miley Cyrus, will enter Syria and wag her tongue at every Syrian Official she finds. She will then gyrate her skinny ass in their faces while she sings every song in her catalog over and over and over again. Psychologists have determined no human mind can tolerate more than 30 minutes of this treatment without suffering a complete and irreversible psychic collapse. After Ms. Cyrus is finished with Syria, I absolutely fucking guarantee you they’ll never use a chemical weapon again.”
Obama Tells Syria, I’m Gonna Fuck You Hard, Bitch!
Miley Cyrus Says, I’m Gonna Stick My Tongue Up Syria’s Ass