Tag Archives: New Year

12.05.14
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Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

01.01.14
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Cryptid Rights Activist Outraged Over Inhumane Treatment Of Cryptids

Cryptozoologist, Dr. Benny A. Fairyman, of the Chicago Park District’s Cryptid Awareness Committee, appeared this morning on Fox News claiming Cryptids are treated worse than any minority group in world history and no one even cares. “Oh, the HUMANITY!” Dr. Fairyman said to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly.

Megyn Kelly Reports On Cryptid Bigotry

Megyn Kelly Reporting On Bigotry Toward Cryptids

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

“When I think, Megyn, of all the poor Big Foot children who had to hide behind trees in parks this Christmas for fear of being seen and told they weren’t real by the human children out playing with the new skates and sleighs Santa just brought them, it makes me just want to pee myself with rage! And imagine what it’s like to be a mermaid at this time of year, will you?  Sitting on rocks, out in the middle of the water, boobies all hanging out and frost-bitten, and your only solace is the dolphin that swims by every hour or two trying to mate with you. The thought of it just DRIVES ME INSANE!!!  And it isn’t like you can just hop on board an inbound ship claiming your canoe got flipped over either. You’re a damn mermaid! Half your god damn body is a fish tail! You’ll stand out! Get mocked! Killed and eaten maybe, even! No, if you’re a mermaid in winter, your life is a freezing cold hell of frost-bitten tits, dolphin dick and envying the humans you see because they have bras and central heating to warm them all winter.

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

It’s another holocaust, Megyn! All that’s missing is the German language and the swastika arm bands. It’s time this horrific treatment of Cryptids ends. I’m advocating that Cryptids be granted total U.S. citizenship starting today, New Years Day, 2014. This means Cryptids can vote in all elections, run for political office, sign up for the military, and serve as jurors in our court system. The only way to bring light to how poorly these rarely seen, horribly photographed creatures are being treated, in my opinion, is this way. I’m off to Washington right now to strip naked and stand a top the Lincoln Memorial until President Obama gives in to my request to stop this sickening bigotry NOW! So wish me luck Megyn, thousands of Cryptids are depending on me.”

 

12.31.13
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Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold, The Conclusion

And now, so the drinking can begin, the conclusion of “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold.” A story “Time” magazine has called, “An unclassifiable assemblage of English words, sentences, and paragraphs so far beyond necessity, one can’t help but feel they must surely mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE.

Moses, A Great Lawyer

Moses, A Great Lawyer

“Moses: OK, Kid. Listen up. There’s one thing you’ve got going for you here that no Right Wing, Tea Bangin’, Christian Conservative Texan can deny: You, Kiddo, are an unborn fetus! You don’t “officially” get born into this realm until midnight tonight, when Old Year 2013 gets sent packing to the Palooka Ville retirement home for years gone by. Just because you jumped the gun and decided to go cruising for a bit of nooky before your official, shall we say, expulsion from the womb of time, doesn’t make this any less a fact. You are a gestating timeline of an infant, and you can not be withheld from your birth into the world of existence without those preventing said birth from being labeled abortionists for doing so. Thus, to keep your perverted ass locked up here in Corpus Cristi, rather than letting you be born, is akin to killing you via an abortion.

Baby New Year: Wow. That’s awesome lawyer thinking there Moses. I’m impressed. Get me outta here, and tonight, you can join me for some of the best partying your withered old arse has or will ever see.

Moses: No thanks. Jesus and I watch “Casablanca” every New Years Eve, and I wouldn’t miss that or his special “Savior Seasoned” popcorn, for anything. I think Elvis and Christopher Hitchens are joining us this year, too. Great guys, but back to you.  They’re coming to take us to see the judge in a minute or two. Just let me do ALL the talking, and we should be fine. OK?

Baby New Year: You bet yer ass Pops!

There is silence on the SETI tapes TACP used to transcribe this truth-ridden tale of the odd, for several minutes. Then a final statement is clearly heard being given by Judge Righteous M. Fukker, the judge who apparently heard Baby New Years’ case. This statement is presented below without one tiny thing about it being made up or exaggerated in the least.

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge R.M. Fukker: Well now, don’t that all just sound like a Yankee Liberal abortionists’ wet friggin’ dream come true, eh boys? You damn Yankees go around pullin’ fetuses outta Christian women’s wombs up north like you was no more than pullin’ lice outta some youngin’s hair when it suits yer fancy ta do so. Ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth, eh boys? And now you all is gonna tell me, an honored and highly respected judge, that I shouldn’t hold this here perverted little shit-ball hooker chaser in my jail cell til his arm pit hair grows grey and chokes him to death because I’d be performin’ an ABORTION by doin’ so myself? Well ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth of it then. Not a bad bit of lawyerin’ there old Jewish feller. Not bad at all. I’m gonna let yer little bastard buddy go with just a warnin’ this time, but fuck up in Texas again, boy, and I’ll send you away for so long there won’t be time to tell time by when yer abortion lovin’ a-theist Yankee ass gets out. Ya god dang som’bitch ya!

Moses: He’ll behave your honor. I promise you. And thank you very much, Sir.

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year: Yes. Thanks. And Happy New Year to you and to all the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator, where cannibalism is only bad if you under cook the meat.