New James Bond Film to Star Ken Ham

The New Bond: Ken Ham

The New Bond: Ken Ham

Baghdad, Iraq. Creationist and founder of Kentucky’s Creation Museum, Ken Ham, has been cast to play James Bond in the new 007 film, Continuum of Ignorance. The film will be produced by and directed by me, The Arm Chair Pontificator.  The plot involves Bond’s attempts to permanently thrust the world, particularly America, back into the bronze age by thwarting the attempts of the villainous Engelbert Enlightened, played by Nobel Prize winning Physicist Peter Higgs, to safely keep it in the 21st century, scientifically speaking.

Peter Higgs Is Doctor Biggs Ballson: The Villain

Peter Higgs Is The Evil Engelbert Enlightened

007 will be aided in his heroic attempts to permanently eliminate scientific thought and reasoning by Fox News babe, Megyn Kelly. Kelly is playing sexy new Bond girl, Carrie Mysack, a former Liberal who was so deeply disgruntled by the wimpy Democratic voter turn out in the last election she became a Creationist.

 Megyn Kelly Is Bond Girl Carrie Mysack

Megyn Kelly Is Bond Girl, Carrie Mysack

The film goes into production as soon as I can convince Ken Ham the cameras we’re using to film it are not devices created by Satan to capture his soul. I’ve my work cut out for me, but, like Martin Scorsese never once said to me: “Boy, if yer not tryin’ to convince a Creationist 35mm cameras aren’t really the soul-capturing tools of Satan, then you just don’t belong in the film business.” ‘Nuff said!

Cryptid Rights Activist Outraged Over Inhumane Treatment Of Cryptids

Cryptozoologist, Dr. Benny A. Fairyman, of the Chicago Park District’s Cryptid Awareness Committee, appeared this morning on Fox News claiming Cryptids are treated worse than any minority group in world history and no one even cares. “Oh, the HUMANITY!” Dr. Fairyman said to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly.

Megyn Kelly Reports On Cryptid Bigotry

Megyn Kelly Reporting On Bigotry Toward Cryptids

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

“When I think, Megyn, of all the poor Big Foot children who had to hide behind trees in parks this Christmas for fear of being seen and told they weren’t real by the human children out playing with the new skates and sleighs Santa just brought them, it makes me just want to pee myself with rage! And imagine what it’s like to be a mermaid at this time of year, will you?  Sitting on rocks, out in the middle of the water, boobies all hanging out and frost-bitten, and your only solace is the dolphin that swims by every hour or two trying to mate with you. The thought of it just DRIVES ME INSANE!!!  And it isn’t like you can just hop on board an inbound ship claiming your canoe got flipped over either. You’re a damn mermaid! Half your god damn body is a fish tail! You’ll stand out! Get mocked! Killed and eaten maybe, even! No, if you’re a mermaid in winter, your life is a freezing cold hell of frost-bitten tits, dolphin dick and envying the humans you see because they have bras and central heating to warm them all winter.

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

It’s another holocaust, Megyn! All that’s missing is the German language and the swastika arm bands. It’s time this horrific treatment of Cryptids ends. I’m advocating that Cryptids be granted total U.S. citizenship starting today, New Years Day, 2014. This means Cryptids can vote in all elections, run for political office, sign up for the military, and serve as jurors in our court system. The only way to bring light to how poorly these rarely seen, horribly photographed creatures are being treated, in my opinion, is this way. I’m off to Washington right now to strip naked and stand a top the Lincoln Memorial until President Obama gives in to my request to stop this sickening bigotry NOW! So wish me luck Megyn, thousands of Cryptids are depending on me.”