In a ruling that’s sure to shock more than a few people, the U.S. Supreme Court and The Christian God, have determined that a man’s genitals, and most importantly his sperm cells, DO NOT belong to him and he DOES NOT have the legal or moral right to masturbation, fornication, or touching of his genitals for any reason other than to urinate or to clean them. Any man not following this law will be summarily executed without trial. “Each sperm cell,” the Supreme Court declared today,”is half a human being. To ensure that the rights of these Christian sperm half people be protected, each newly born baby boy will be implanted with an electrical device which will notify authorities if masturbation is attempted at any point during the male’s life. Also, if the male attempts to fornicate outside of an approved Christian marriage, he will be hanged, eviscerated and feed his own entrails while yet alive, and all on live TV. This ruling is final and can not be over turned. It is what the Christian God wants, and it comes from a place of deep love for all God’s creatures. Amen.”
Can anything be more vile than Hitler and the Nazis? “Yes,” says Fr. Phillip Boibutt, Vatican representative on righteous morality. “Hitler was clearly suffering from a depression that made him do questionable things he’d surely have apologized for later, had he not killed himself to avoid being sodomized by the invading Russian army,” Fr. Boibutt stated. “But Catholics who have sexual contact of any kind outside of a Church approved marriage, for any reason other than making more Catholics, are an evil so disgusting and insipid in nature, even leftist liberals, who nightly tear fetuses from their mother’s wombs, just for fun, pale by comparison.
The Vatican is starting a program to hunt down and slowly flay, alive, any Catholic engaging in sexual activities outside of a Church approved marriage. And, yes, masturbation is most definitely considered a sexual activity outside of marriage. So remember, if you wank, you die. It’s God’s will that we kill you for wasting His precious semen. We’re just waiting on the Pope’s final approval to begin the flaying. Gonna be MESSY!”