Tom Cruise & Yoda Review Son Of God

Another Movie About Jesus. Good Or Bad?

Another Movie About Jesus. Is It Good Or Bad?

TACP is very pleased to have Jedi Master, and movie critic, Yoda joining us today from Dagobah. He’s here to share his opinion with us on the new Biblical film, “Son of God.” And, as an added surprise, Yoda will be joined in his discussion of the film by none other than Scientologist and actor, Tom Cruise.

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Tom is here because he broke into TACP offices this morning, hid under my desk, waited for me to arrive, then leaped out, dressed as a Ninja, and threatened to kill me when I did. Apparently, he’s angry about a post I wrote which was critical of Scientology. No one’s allowed to do that or they threaten to kill you, it seems. In order to calm him, and have him not kill me, I offered him the opportunity to be Siskel to Yoda’s Ebert and to review the film, with Yoda, when he arrived. Thankfully, for me, he agreed.

Mock Scientology, And You Die

Mock Scientology, And You Die

So, now, without further ado, I’d like to present, Mr. Tom Cruise and Jedi Master, Yoda with a review of the film, “Son Of Man.” I will act as moderator for their discussion.

ACP: Tom. Yoda. Welcome. Please be seated, and tell us your thoughts on the movie. And thank you, Tom, for agreeing to do this and not kill me.

Tom: Ya, whatever. You’re lucky. Just remember that, OK? L U C K Y! Lucky. But, Hey, Yoda! Mr. Force guy! Do you know about me? Who I am? I’m a Scientologist, Yoda. Do you have A CLUE as to what that entails? Does ANYONE! I’m obligated, Yoda. OB LEE GAAATT EEED! to help people in need, no matter where I see them, and no matter WHAT I’m doing! Should I see a person in need, I’m right fuckin’ there! RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE, MAN!! THAT is Scientology, Yoda! THAT is what I’m talkin’ about! Scientology does not deserve to be picked on by idiots like this Pontificator guy. And dude, I didn’t kill ya, but I’m still gonna beat your ass for picking on MY FUCKIN’ FAITH!!!! Scientologists stick together, man. We stick like FUCKIN’ glue. To each other. THAT is ME, Yoda! THAT is Scientology. GLUE!

I'm Not Fuckin' Crazy, Man!

I’m Not Fuckin’ Crazy, Man!

ACP: Excuse me, Tom? Tom?!

Tom: WHAT!!! WHAT, MAN???? WHAT THE F.. U.. C..K DO YOU WANT, ASSHOLE!!!!!

ACP: I want you to discuss “Son of God” with Yoda. That’s why he’s here.

Tom: Oh, Ya, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Master Yoda. Forgive me. It’s just that when people mess with Scientology, it’s our duty to kill them.

Yoda: Violent this is. A path to suffering, and the Dark Side, it is. Worth that, Scientology is not. Let go of all you have learned to hate, or forever will it dominate your destiny.

ACP: Gentlemen, I’m really not trying to rush anything, but the movie hasn’t once been mentioned by either of you.

Tom: Movie? What fucking movie?! Do I even LOOK like I’m in the mood to watch a fucking MOVIE?!

ACP: “Son of God,” Tom. That movie. The one Yoda came here all the way from Dagobah to discuss. Remember?!

Yoda: Excuse me, you must, Mr. Pontificator. But about this, talk we must.

ACP: What does that mean? “Talk we must?” I’m fucking paying YOU to talk, Master Yoda, not me. I paid for YOU to come here from 8000 light years away so YOU could talk! And who’s talking now, instead of you? ME!!!!

Tom: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! Calm down there, Kemosabe! It’s a movie were talking about here,right, not the end of the world.

ACP: MOVIE? What movie have YOU been talking about? NO ONE has said a fucking word about a fuckin’ movie, but ME!!!!

Yoda: That’s why important it is to talk. But calm, you must become. Let the Force flow through you. Anger leads to hate. And hate is a path to the Dark Side. To confront that which triggers the Dark Side in him, must a Jedi always be ready to do.

ACP: Oh, for fuck sake! Alright, Master Yoda, what is it you need to talk about?

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Yoda: “Son of God,” seen it not, I have. Religious zealots in the theater there were. Afraid, I was. Afraid for my life, I was. Evil are Christians. Angry. Afraid. Unclear of the right path. God matters not. Movies matter not. Jesus matters not. Objects of attachment, they are. To the Dark Side, they lead. To the Sith. It is the Sith I see in Christians. Controlled they are by hate. Powerless they are over it. Blinded they are by its heat. The Force. Around them, it is. Penetrating them. Talking to them, it is. But hear it, they do not. See it, they do not. Clouded their minds are. Clouded, and full of hate. Damned will they be, if from this darkness they do not soon rise.

ACP: Damn, Master Yoda. That was a cool speech. Fuck the movie review. That little speech was much better than any review would have been, even if you had seen the movie. Let’s go get a pizza, wadda ya say? Oh, Tom, just to satisfy my curiosity, before we head out. Did you, by any chance, actually happen to see “Son of God?” You know, the film I asked you to review with Yoda? The one I’ve been yelling about for half an hour now?

Tom: See what now? “Son of God?” Why the fuck would I, as a Scientologist, and an aid to the planet, go to see a Christian piece of shit movie like that? No. I didn’t see it. Happy now?

ACP: That’s what I thought. And yes, I’m happy now. Live and learn, Tom. We live and we learn. Let’s go get some pizza!

THE END

Yoda Talks With Jesus

Yoda e-mailed me this transcript of a conversation he had with Jesus a few months ago and I thought I’d share it with my readers. Check it out.

Yoda: For coming to Dagobah to talk, I thank you, Jesus.

Jesus Talking To Yoda

Jesus Talking

Jesus: No trouble, Master Yoda. I’ve loved you since 1980 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. I really hope J.J. Abrams can get the “Star Wars” series back to the quality exhibited in “Empire.” I’ll be bummed if he messes it up.

Yoda: In him, much faith I have. As many do in you. The Messiah, you are, some people say. From the dead have you risen, they proclaim. In this, much doubt I have. Explain this to me, you must.

Jesus: Well, it kinda has a lot to do with my dad, Yahweh. He’s a REALLY stubborn old bastard, to put it mildly. I mean that dude can hold a grudge over the silliest shit. For example, Moses once told him he was going to stop by one Sunday to watch football with him, but he got busy and forgot. Well, I’m telling you, you’d have thought Moses had tried to kill him the way he reacted. Screaming, yelling, throwing giant boulders into the ground to make the Earth quake, what a scene. And even after Moses apologized like 50 times, my dad STILL refused to talk to him for almost two centuries. So, this guy holds grudges, BIG TIME.

Yoda: Calm he must learn to keep his mind. Anger, excitement, petty attachments, these things are paths to the dark side of the Force. Once you go down its path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Warned, your father must be of this.

Jesus: Oh, I’ve warned him many times. But, he’s God, and being God, he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it. And, in reality, he does. That’s why, when he got angry with Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth a few thousand years ago, he chose to act the child and proclaim he’d make them and ALL of their descendents suffer for it until the end of time. Thus, to this day, humans are made to suffer in many horrible ways. And all because Adam and Eve ate some fucking apple or peach that THE Lord God told them not to eat. He damn well knew they’d eat that fruit if he told them not to eat it. That’s WHY he told them not to eat it. Just to tempt them and to be an asshole. Then, when they do eat it, he goes on a tirade and makes life miserable for them and for EVERY human born since.

The Act That Condemned A Species

The Act That Condemned A Species

Yoda: Ways such as these are not those of the Jedi. For the Jedi, only by letting go of anger and jealousy can the Force truly reveal the true beauty of all life. The dark side do I sense in your father, Jesus. The ways of the Sith I sense in him.

 The Dark side I Sense In Yahweh

The Sith I Sense In Yahweh

Jesus: I just sense the shitty ways of an old grouch when I think about him. He actually wanted me to let the Romans, 2000 years ago, whip me and crucify me as a way for humanity to be forgiven for the sin of Adam and Eve eating that damn fruit. Can you believe the nerve of that dude?

Yoda: This you did not do, I hope. Painful, meaningless, and needless does it sound. For one so powerful, Yahweh is yet so very weak. He would not a good Jedi make.

Jesus: Hell no, I didn’t do it! He wanted me to suffer horribly, die, and then come back to life three days later proclaiming I was the Messiah and the path to forgiveness and to life ever after in Heaven were to be found only through me. I told him to let the god damned Romans torture HIS ass and kill HIM if he wanted a patsy for some stupid “crime” Adam and Eve committed by eating a fucking piece of fruit. Of course, he didn’t do it. Who would? Only a masochistic idiot, I’d say.  The stories you hear about me being a Messiah and returning from the grave are just that, stories. Told mostly by St. Paul. A guy I don’t care for at all, but, of course, my dad just happens to love. See, Yahweh appeared to Paul, and told him what to say and write to start a religion based on me and the shit I wouldn’t actual do when he asked me to. So he had Paul lie, and say it happened any way. He made a whole religion, using my good name, that’s based on guilt, self-loathing, and the idea that humans are born stained because the first two ate a fucking piece of fruit Yahweh told them not to. Utterly ridiculous, sickening, and cruel. My Pop just isn’t very nice, is he?

Yoda: Nice he is not. Stopped he should be. The truth people should learn. Foolish to follow a god such as this, it is. A Sith Lord he is. Darth Logos his name now is. To call him another name, foolish it would be. The path of a Jedi for you, Jesus, awaits. Train you I can. The ways of the Force, teach you I must. For only then strong enough will you be to defeat your father, and his ways of evil forever end.

Darth Yahweh

Darth Logos

Jesus: I kinda like the sound of that, Master Yoda. Your pupil I will be. I do have one small request though.

Yoda: This I will do, if possible for me, it is.

Jesus: It’d make my millennium if you could ask J.J. Abrams, next time you talk to him, to give me a small cameo in “Star Wars Episode 7.” I don’t need a speaking part or anything. I just want to be in it, in a crowd shot, even.

Yoda: This will I do, my young Padawan. Now, time it is for you to begin your training. A great evil there is for you to overcome. A great evil.

Jesus: Let’s rock and roll, Master Yoda. Let’s rock and roll.