Thor’s Hammer Replaced With Small Screw Driver

I'm Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

I’m Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

“This is bullshit!” an angry Thor yelled today from Avengers Mansion. “My hammer goes missing, I ask Odin for a decent replacement, and he sends me a god damn child size screw driver!? WTF?!  I’m NOT going into a battle with that fucking thing! I’ll be laughed off the planet!

Thor's New Weapon

Thor’s New Weapon

Odin is punishing me for misplacing it. That’s what this is all about.  This has happened before and he’s pissed at me about it. I get so wound up when I throw my hammer, sometimes it winds up going much farther than I intended, and it takes it awhile to find its way back. One time it wound up in Texas, and they refused to give it back until I attended three bar-b-Que tasting contests there. Kinda yummy, actually. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes, eh? But a fuckin’ tiny screw driver! I mean COME ON, POP!!! Loki’s the shit heel, not me! I sure as hell hope that hammer makes its way back here soon. The humiliation of this is fucking killing me.”

New Hero, Prurient Man, To Debut In Next Avengers Movie

“Prurient Man is gonna rock the world next summer when “Avengers: Age of Ultron” comes out,” said the film’s director, Joss Whedon, earlier today. “He’s like a cross between a sleazy strip club owner with yellow, rotting teeth and a really horned up Batman.

 Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

His special power is to be so lurid and sexually inappropriate with any villain unfortunate enough to face him in a fight, the shame and revulsion the villain feels renders him completely powerless and emotionally crippled for life. To give fans an early teaser as to what they can expect from this new hero, here’s a bit of dialog between Prurient Man and Thor from when they first meet, early on in the film. BTW, we’re shooting for an NC17 rating on this film, so, please, stop reading right now if you’re not 17 or over. Thank you for your cooperation!”

Thor: So, mortal, Tony Stark tells me you sent 45 twelve-inch black dildos to his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, last night with a note reading, “Suck on these baby, for practice, cause tonight I’m bringing home the entire Oakland Raiders football team to fuck you in all your womanly orifices while I watch and stroke my dick. Love always, your man with the Iron Cock, Tony.” I fail to see the humor of such a prank, mortal. And frankly, the very sight of you makes me feel as if I’ve not bathe in a whole millennium.

Prurient Man: Thor, I must tell you, I’ve often fantasized about being tied, naked, and erect, to your mighty hammer, Mjolnir, while you, naked and wet from a long hot shower you’ve just shared with your brother, Loki, toss it around trying to, shall we say, toss me “off” before we gallantly go to lather and shave the privy parts of a truly incorrigible young, lady villain garbed only in a tattered pair of pink, crotchless panties and a thick, gold clit ring.

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

Thor: Odin’s beard, mortal! Do you have no shame? Still your foul tongue and say not another word, or I shall tear the accursed thing from your mouth and burn it to ash with lightning from Mjolnir!

That’s it folks. Sorry, but we gotta wait til next summer for more. However, Joss Whedon did assure us here at TACP that if you felt Prurient Man’s behavior was bad in this small scene, with a fellow hero, just wait til you see what’s in store for the villains of the film.

Guest Critic, Yoda, Gives His Thoughts On Thor: The Dark World

Jedi Master And Film Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master And Film Critic, Yoda

Yoda stopped by the office today after seeing the new “Thor” movie and had these things to say about it.

1. Powerful hero is Thor. Powerful hero.

2. A large Hammer, Thor has. A great weapon it is too, when thrown by him.

3. Evil brother, Loki, Thor has. The Dark Side I see in him.

4. Clouded my judgement on the movie becomes now. Talking the people behind me were. Rude that is. Selfish. Not the way of the Jedi.  Talking during movies leads to anger.  Anger leads to pain.  Pain leads to suffering.  A path to the Dark Side this is.

5. Avoid these things at all costs, a Jedi must. Leave the movie early I did. Go back I will on a weekday morning when fewer people there will be. Review the movie then, I will.

6. Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things. But you do. So glad I am movies like this are made. Distractions from the Dark Side, they are. Talk again soon we will.  May the Force Be With You. Always.