“Not only am I a Jew,” Santa said today, “I’m a Rabbi, too. I know this will, in all likelihood, get the panties of Christendom rolled up into a bunch, but I could stay silent no more. You see, I happen to love kids, and I love giving them gifts to make them happy even more. So, back when Christmas first came along, I saw it as a great opportunity to make a lot of Christian kids happy too, not just the Jewish kids I secretly gave dradles to during Hanukkah. I had a perfectly good toy-making shop in the North Pole that my great Uncle Saul left me, and I decided to put it to good use making toys. I’ve always been popular with the Elves who live in the North Pole, so I hired a few dozen of them to help me out, and we’ve been cranking out toys ever since. Christians just always assumed I must be a Christian because I give out toys at Christmas time, but I’m not. I stayed silent because, well, Christians can be quite the anti-Semitic bigots at times, and I just didn’t want to deal with it. But, enough is enough. I’m Santa. I’m Jewish. And I’m a Rabbi. If anyone isn’t good with that, too bad. Deal with it. I gotta go know. There’s only six weeks til Christmas, and I’ve a sh*t load of work to do before then. Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Merry Christmas to all!”
Tag Archives: Judaism
Jews And Gays I Really Like, But Christians Are Another Story
I lived in a part of Chicago called West Rogers Park for almost 9 years. In the area where I lived, lived many devote Jews. There where several temples there, and I’d always see folks going to them on foot on Saturday mornings.
I know very little about the Jewish faith, even though I was surrounded by these devote Jewish families for all those years. And I just realized that I know so little about them because they NEVER once tried to ram their faith down my throat the way Christians do. Not once did they tell me I was evil and would burn unless I accepted their faith as mine. If they thought that way, they never told me about it. Not once was I ever not shown respect as I walked amongst these folks, even though it was quite obvious I’m not Jewish. No one tried to convert or save me. On several occasions I asked questions about certain practices I noticed them observing during Jewish holidays. I always was given a friendly, catch free, explanation, which of course I’d always forgotten by the time the same holiday came again a year later and I had to ask for it again. No one ever seemed put off by my asking, and no one ever said,” If you don’t believe this, too, you’ll burn in hell.” I have no issue, no complaint, and no chip on my shoulder with the Jewish faith and the wonderful people who practice it. I could see how tightly their faith and cultural identity were intertwined and I understood the value these people placed in holding on to each other and their identity as a people because so many have tried to take it from them over the centuries. If this behavior were practiced by Christians in America, how much better we all would be for it, especially Christians. The constant moralizing Christians do and the sickening practice they have of telling those who don’t share their faith they’re going to burn for it, really annoy the fuck out of me. I’m sick of Christians. I’m sick of being judged by them.
I’m also completely finished with being nice about it. I have many gay friends as I’ve been involved with theater and musical theater since I was in the 9th grade. And yes, there are many gays in the theater. (Lots of pretty girls, too). I essentially grew up from 14 on having many gay friends, and all were kind, and good to me. I never thought anything odd or strange about having gay friends and working with them. No gay men attacked me. No one was trying to rape me. No one tried to convert me to the gay life style. Nothing strange at all went on except perhaps A LOT of singing. So when I have to listen to the hate-filled disgusting rhetoric spewed out about gays by Christians, I want to hurt them. I want to hurt them bad, the way they hurt my friends. It makes me hate them. They’ve made me hate them. Catholic Priests rape little boys like birds eat seeds, yet still are shown great deference cause they’re priests. Meanwhile, two women who love each other are called Satan spawn by Christians and told it’s wrong for them to be married. Screw that message of hate. If you’re reading this and are Christian, and my words make you angry, if you feel judged and unfairly treated, GOOD. I want you to feel that way. I want YOU to hurt. I want you not to be able to marry who you love. And I want it to be because of your sick faith. Your faith SUCKS! It has hurt so many people. Get a different faith, Christians. Yours is horrible. I’m going to do everything I can to make as many of you as possible feel irradiated and pissed off as often as possible. I like doing that to you. You are venom. And you need to be sucked out of the wound you’ve made then spit into the toilet and flushed away for good.