Director J.J. Abrams today announced that Jesus will play an evil Dark Lord of the Sith in the upcoming film, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” “I thought He might not return the message I left with His secretary saying I wished to speak with Him about the movie because I’m Jewish, and, well, you know, I don’t believe He’s god,” said Abrams earlier today. “But He called me right back and said He’d love to be in the film. We talked for a few minutes and quickly came up with a bad-ass Sith Lord character for Him to play. Darth Demonicus we’re calling him. I think fans are going to love the way Jesus handles a light saber and how damned evil His character’s gonna be.” “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens in December 2015.
I ran into Emperor Palpatine, of “Star Wars” fame, at Starbucks this morning. He agreed to come back to The Arm Chair Pontificator offices with me so I could interview him for the site. I present that interview here, in its entirety, to be read at your leisure.
Me: Emperor Palpatine, I am very honored that you are allowing me to interview you. I know you must be very busy with all the evil shit you have to do, so I’ll get to the tough questions right away.
Palpatine: Good. I can FEEL your anxiety to ask these questions. Anxiety can be turned to ANGER, and anger gives you FOCUS; it makes you POWERFUL; it makes you SITH!
Me: Well, I’m more of a shit than a Sith to be honest. Know what I mean, Palpy ‘ole boy?
Palpatine: No. I do not know what you mean. My statement was rhetorical. I did not mean to imply that YOU personally, were a Sith. You are too much the simpleton to be Sith. You said you would not waste time, boy. You’ve done so already. Now, what questions do you have for me, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith!
Me: Well, to start with, doesn’t it get old being angry ALL the time? I mean, dude, you’re miserable! You bitch. You grouch. You threaten, and you kill. Gets old, man. Doesn’t it?
Palpatine: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M ALWAYS ANGRY! (Blue lighting flashes from Palpatine’s hands as he says this. It burns several pictures off the wall). Take that back, boy! You are nothing compared to the POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!
Me: You see, Palpy. This is what I mean. I asked you a friggin’ question, dude! Did you have to fuck up my wall with blue finger lightning? Those pictures were expensive. And they weren’t mine. They’re my girlfriends. What am I suppose to tell her? Sorry, babe. Darth Sidious got pissed off and burned up your pictures with some blue finger lightning? Do you honestly think she’ll buy that? You fucked me, pal. You fucked me good!
Palpatine: GOOD. I can FEEL your ANGER! Now, reach out with it, boy! Strike me down with it, and take Darth Vader’s place by my side. I’ve been very lonely since he tossed me down that the huge tube and abandoned me, all those years ago. So please, try to kill me so I can convert you. Please?
Me: I’m not much of a killer, Palpy. And you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith. You’ll fry me, man. Look. If you’re lonely, dude, it’s cause you’re lugging around all that rage. No one wants to deal with that shit. Just chill the fuck out. Besides, however it happened, you’re in America now. Ain’t no one making you Emperor here, or making you any other kind of political ruler either, unless you are a Christian. Tell people you’re a follower of the Force in this country, and they’ll lock you in a nut house. In America, you gotta believe in virgin births, resurrections, and giant arks that 2 of every kind of animal can live on in order to be taken seriously. It’s really crazy, man. So lighten up. I’ll hang with you, but I’m not becoming an evil Sith apprentice for you. Christ, imagine me with a light sabre? I’d cut my own leg off.
Palpatine: You do bring up some very valid points, my young friend. You know, I’ve heard that J.J. Abrams is directing Star Wars Episode 7. I am very excited about that. Perhaps, you and I can go together to see it when it comes out? In the mean time, I’ll meditate on the paradoxical situation I’m in: I’m a Sith Lord with unfulfilled emotional needs caused by the very hate and anger which make me a Sith Lord. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’ll see you again soon, my wise apprentice. I’ll see you again, soon.
Me: Yep. Take care now, Palpy. And please, don’t kill any one in the lobby on the way out.
Yoda e-mailed me this transcript of a conversation he had with Jesus a few months ago and I thought I’d share it with my readers. Check it out.
Yoda: For coming to Dagobah to talk, I thank you, Jesus.
Jesus: No trouble, Master Yoda. I’ve loved you since 1980 when “The Empire Strikes Back” came out. I really hope J.J. Abrams can get the “Star Wars” series back to the quality exhibited in “Empire.” I’ll be bummed if he messes it up.
Yoda: In him, much faith I have. As many do in you. The Messiah, you are, some people say. From the dead have you risen, they proclaim. In this, much doubt I have. Explain this to me, you must.
Jesus: Well, it kinda has a lot to do with my dad, Yahweh. He’s a REALLY stubborn old bastard, to put it mildly. I mean that dude can hold a grudge over the silliest shit. For example, Moses once told him he was going to stop by one Sunday to watch football with him, but he got busy and forgot. Well, I’m telling you, you’d have thought Moses had tried to kill him the way he reacted. Screaming, yelling, throwing giant boulders into the ground to make the Earth quake, what a scene. And even after Moses apologized like 50 times, my dad STILL refused to talk to him for almost two centuries. So, this guy holds grudges, BIG TIME.
Yoda: Calm he must learn to keep his mind. Anger, excitement, petty attachments, these things are paths to the dark side of the Force. Once you go down its path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Warned, your father must be of this.
Jesus: Oh, I’ve warned him many times. But, he’s God, and being God, he thinks he gets to do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it. And, in reality, he does. That’s why, when he got angry with Adam and Eve, two humans he was keeping as pets in his zoo on Earth a few thousand years ago, he chose to act the child and proclaim he’d make them and ALL of their descendents suffer for it until the end of time. Thus, to this day, humans are made to suffer in many horrible ways. And all because Adam and Eve ate some fucking apple or peach that THE Lord God told them not to eat. He damn well knew they’d eat that fruit if he told them not to eat it. That’s WHY he told them not to eat it. Just to tempt them and to be an asshole. Then, when they do eat it, he goes on a tirade and makes life miserable for them and for EVERY human born since.
Yoda: Ways such as these are not those of the Jedi. For the Jedi, only by letting go of anger and jealousy can the Force truly reveal the true beauty of all life. The dark side do I sense in your father, Jesus. The ways of the Sith I sense in him.
Jesus: I just sense the shitty ways of an old grouch when I think about him. He actually wanted me to let the Romans, 2000 years ago, whip me and crucify me as a way for humanity to be forgiven for the sin of Adam and Eve eating that damn fruit. Can you believe the nerve of that dude?
Yoda: This you did not do, I hope. Painful, meaningless, and needless does it sound. For one so powerful, Yahweh is yet so very weak. He would not a good Jedi make.
Jesus: Hell no, I didn’t do it! He wanted me to suffer horribly, die, and then come back to life three days later proclaiming I was the Messiah and the path to forgiveness and to life ever after in Heaven were to be found only through me. I told him to let the god damned Romans torture HIS ass and kill HIM if he wanted a patsy for some stupid “crime” Adam and Eve committed by eating a fucking piece of fruit. Of course, he didn’t do it. Who would? Only a masochistic idiot, I’d say. The stories you hear about me being a Messiah and returning from the grave are just that, stories. Told mostly by St. Paul. A guy I don’t care for at all, but, of course, my dad just happens to love. See, Yahweh appeared to Paul, and told him what to say and write to start a religion based on me and the shit I wouldn’t actual do when he asked me to. So he had Paul lie, and say it happened any way. He made a whole religion, using my good name, that’s based on guilt, self-loathing, and the idea that humans are born stained because the first two ate a fucking piece of fruit Yahweh told them not to. Utterly ridiculous, sickening, and cruel. My Pop just isn’t very nice, is he?
Yoda: Nice he is not. Stopped he should be. The truth people should learn. Foolish to follow a god such as this, it is. A Sith Lord he is. Darth Logos his name now is. To call him another name, foolish it would be. The path of a Jedi for you, Jesus, awaits. Train you I can. The ways of the Force, teach you I must. For only then strong enough will you be to defeat your father, and his ways of evil forever end.
Jesus: I kinda like the sound of that, Master Yoda. Your pupil I will be. I do have one small request though.
Yoda: This I will do, if possible for me, it is.
Jesus: It’d make my millennium if you could ask J.J. Abrams, next time you talk to him, to give me a small cameo in “Star Wars Episode 7.” I don’t need a speaking part or anything. I just want to be in it, in a crowd shot, even.
Yoda: This will I do, my young Padawan. Now, time it is for you to begin your training. A great evil there is for you to overcome. A great evil.
Jesus: Let’s rock and roll, Master Yoda. Let’s rock and roll.