I’m Still Moses, Ya Sum’bitches

It’s me again, ya sum’bitches, Moses. Yes, STILL, THAT Moses.  What, did you think I was lying in the last post, ya sum’bitches? Of course I wasn’t, so let me just get back to the sum’bitchin’ story, alright?  I left off with Yahweh telling me he would lead me and my fellow Jews out of Egypt to a Promised Land if we but followed ten commandments he’d written for us. I told him I’d need to see all ten of the sum’bitches first before I’d even consider telling anyone else about his offer. Well, the sum’bitch agreed, and, as soon as he did, the burning bush vanished and was replaced by a large tortoise, yes, a sum’bitchin’ tortoise, that had the commandments numbered and written on its shell. The Old Testament writers were well aware that Yahweh gave me his ten commandments this way, and not on 2 big stones. They just felt it rather embarrassing to admit this, so they said it was 2 stones the commandments were written on and left the sum’bitchin’ tortoise out of it. I’ll admit, I did look like an ass following that sum’bitch around trying to read what Yahweh had written on it.  You don’t appreciate how fast those sum’bitches actually move until you’ve tried reading the ten commandments off of one’s shell while its walking. Very hard sum’bitchin’ job.

10 Commandments Were Originally Written On A Sum’bitchin’ Tortoise

I read as much as I could of what was on the tortoise before it wandered so far into the desert I couldn’t follow the sum’bitch. From what I could read, stuff about honoring your sum’bitchin’ parents and not lusting after some other sum’bitch’s wife, I felt Yahweh was giving us a pretty good deal. So I told all the Jews in Egypt, at Temple the following Saturday, that we should take Yahweh up on his offer, even though the sum’bitchin’ Egyptians were very nice to us, because it would be wonderful to actually have a whole nation just for ourselves to rule as we wished. The only catch being we’d have to devote our Sunday’s to that sum’bitch Yahweh, but he wouldn’t demand much more of us than that, I argued. I was wrong, however. I felt like quite the sum’bitch when I realized just what a bastard that sum’bitch excuse of a god, Yahweh, really is. It broke the Pharaoh’s heart when I told him I was leaving with my fellow Jews to start our own country under the guidance of Yahweh. “Don’t trust that sum’bitch!” Ramesses told me. “He’s a childish, spoiled god who’s more interested in glorifying himself than in helping you. The sum’bitch has pulled this stunt with every minority group in Egypt at one time or another. The groups that leave usually die in the desert long before reaching any Promised Land. Don’t go, Moses.” Well, I didn’t listen to the sum’bitch, and I should’ve. Yahweh fucked us. And he fucked us hard. The minute we got through the Red Sea, which I parted and then closed, but NOT on any Egyptian army, that sum’bitchin’ tortoise, with all ten commandments shining as clear as day on its shell, literally appeared right in front of my feet, forcing me to stop walking and read every commandment written on it. I was stunned by the amount of ass lickin’ that sum’bitch was expecting us to do just so he wouldn’t get angry and kill us.

An UnPursued Moses Parts The Red Sea

After reading ALL the commandments, I became so angry, I turned everyone around, and we headed back to the Red Sea, hoping to return to Egypt. But when I tried to part it again, so we could walk back through it, the sum’bitch wouldn’t budge. We were stuck in the desert, just like Ramesses warned me we’d be. I was so furious after this that I refused to talk to that sum’bitch, Yahweh, for almost two decades, though he appeared to me as burning shrubbery hundreds of times. When I finally did talk to him, things didn’t really improve much or for very long, before I became furious with him again. But that is a tale for another day, ya sum’bitches. I said all I wish to say for now, God damn it!