I’m Still Moses, And I Still Exist, Ya Sum’Bitches

I'm Still Moses, Ya Sum'bitches

I’m Still Moses, Ya Sum’bitches

It’s me again, ya sum’bitches, Moses. Yes, STILL, THAT Moses.  What, did you think I was lying in the last post, ya sum’bitches? Of course I wasn’t, so let me just get back to the sum’bitchin’ story, alright?  I left off with Yahweh telling me he would lead me and my fellow Jews out of Egypt to a Promised Land if we but followed ten commandments he’d written for us. I told him I’d need to see all ten of the sum’bitches first before I’d even consider telling anyone else about his offer. Well, the sum’bitch agreed, and, as soon as he did, the burning bush vanished and was replaced by a large tortoise, yes, a sum’bitchin’ tortoise, that had the commandments numbered and written on its shell. The Old Testament writers were well aware that Yahweh gave me his ten commandments this way, and not on 2 big stones. They just felt it rather embarrassing to admit this, so they said it was 2 stones the commandments were written on and left the sum’bitchin’ tortoise out of it. I’ll admit, I did look like an ass following that sum’bitch around trying to read what Yahweh had written on it.  You don’t appreciate how fast those sum’bitches actually move until you’ve tried reading the ten commandments off of one’s shell while its walking. Very hard sum’bitchin’ job.

10 Commandments Were Written On A Sum'bitchin' Tortoise

10 Commandments Were Originally Written On A Sum’bitchin’ Tortoise

I read as much as I could of what was on the tortoise before it wandered so far into the desert I couldn’t follow the sum’bitch. From what I could read, stuff about honoring your sum’bitchin’ parents and not lusting after some other sum’bitch’s wife, I felt Yahweh was giving us a pretty good deal. So I told all the Jews in Egypt, at Temple the following Saturday, that we should take Yahweh up on his offer, even though the sum’bitchin’ Egyptians were very nice to us, because it would be wonderful to actually have a whole nation just for ourselves to rule as we wished. The only catch being we’d have to devote our Sunday’s to that sum’bitch Yahweh, but he wouldn’t demand much more of us than that, I argued. I was wrong, however. I felt like quite the sum’bitch when I realized just what a bastard that sum’bitch excuse of a god, Yahweh, really is. It broke the Pharaoh’s heart when I told him I was leaving with my fellow Jews to start our own country under the guidance of Yahweh. “Don’t trust that sum’bitch!” Ramesses told me. “He’s a childish, spoiled god who’s more interested in glorifying himself than in helping you. The sum’bitch has pulled this stunt with every minority group in Egypt at one time or another. The groups that leave usually die in the desert long before reaching any Promised Land. Don’t go, Moses.” Well, I didn’t listen to the sum’bitch, and I should’ve. Yahweh fucked us. And he fucked us hard. The minute we got through the Red Sea, which I parted and then closed, but NOT on any Egyptian army, that sum’bitchin’ tortoise, with all ten commandments shining as clear as day on its shell, literally appeared right in front of my feet, forcing me to stop walking and read every commandment written on it. I was stunned by the amount of ass lickin’ that sum’bitch was expecting us to do just so he wouldn’t get angry and kill us.

An UnPursued Moses Parts The Red Sea

An UnPursued Moses Parts The Red Sea

After reading ALL the commandments, I became so angry, I turned everyone around, and we headed back to the Red Sea, hoping to return to Egypt. But when I tried to part it again, so we could walk back through it, the sum’bitch wouldn’t budge. We were stuck in the desert, just like Ramesses warned me we’d be. I was so furious after this that I refused to talk to that sum’bitch, Yahweh, for almost two decades, though he appeared to me as burning shrubbery hundreds of times. When I finally did talk to him, things didn’t really improve much or for very long, before I became furious with him again. But that is a tale for another day, ya sum’bitches. I said all I wish to say for now, God damn it!

Jews And Gays I Really Like, But Christians Are Another Story

I lived in a part of Chicago called West Rogers Park for almost 9 years. In the area where I lived, lived many devote Jews. There where several temples there, and I’d always see folks going to them on foot on Saturday mornings.

Typical Saturday Morning In West Rogers Park

Typical Saturday Morning In West Rogers Park

I know very little about the Jewish faith, even though I was surrounded by these devote Jewish families for all those years. And I just realized that I know so little about them because they NEVER once tried to ram their faith down my throat the way Christians do. Not once did they tell me I was evil and would burn unless I accepted their faith as mine. If they thought that way, they never told me about it. Not once was I ever not shown respect as I walked amongst these folks, even though it was quite obvious I’m not Jewish. No one tried to convert or save me. On several occasions I asked questions about certain practices I noticed them observing during Jewish holidays. I always was given a friendly, catch free, explanation, which of course I’d always forgotten by the time the same holiday came again a year later and I had to ask for it again. No one ever seemed put off by my asking, and no one ever said,” If you don’t believe this, too, you’ll burn in hell.” I have no issue, no complaint, and no chip on my shoulder with the Jewish faith and the wonderful people who practice it. I could see how tightly their faith and cultural identity were intertwined and I understood the value these people placed in holding on to each other and their identity as a people because so many have tried to take it from them over the centuries. If this behavior were practiced by Christians in America, how much better we all would be for it, especially Christians. The constant moralizing Christians do and the sickening practice they have of telling those who don’t share their faith they’re going to burn for it, really annoy the fuck out of me. I’m sick of Christians. I’m sick of being judged by them.

Gay And Jewish!

Gay And Jewish!

I’m also completely finished with being nice about it. I have many gay friends as I’ve been involved with theater and musical theater since I was in the 9th grade. And yes, there are many gays in the theater. (Lots of pretty girls, too). I essentially grew up from 14 on having many gay friends, and all were kind, and good to me. I never thought anything odd or strange about having gay friends and working with them. No gay men attacked me. No one was trying to rape me. No one tried to convert me to the gay life style. Nothing strange at all went on except perhaps A LOT of singing. So when I have to listen to the hate-filled disgusting rhetoric spewed out about gays by Christians, I want to hurt them. I want to hurt them bad, the way they hurt my friends. It makes me hate them. They’ve made me hate them. Catholic Priests rape little boys like birds eat seeds, yet still are shown great deference cause they’re priests. Meanwhile, two women who love each other are called Satan spawn by Christians and told it’s wrong for them to be married. Screw that message of hate. If you’re reading this and are Christian, and my words make you angry, if you feel judged and unfairly treated, GOOD. I want you to feel that way. I want YOU to hurt. I want you not to be able to marry who you love. And I want it to be because of your sick faith. Your faith SUCKS! It has hurt so many people. Get a different faith, Christians. Yours is horrible. I’m going to do everything I can to make as many of you as possible feel irradiated and pissed off as often as possible. I like doing that to you. You are venom. And you need to be sucked out of the wound you’ve made then spit into the toilet and flushed away for good.