Jesus Asks Fundamentalists And Creationists, “Do I Look Happy?”

Jesus Not Looking Happy At All

 A Very Unhappy Jesus

“Seriously people,” Jesus asked the souls of Fundamentalists and Creationists awaiting judgement at the gates of Heaven today, “do I look happy with any of you?  How bloody dense are you?  Reading the Bible LITERALLY?  I mean COME ON!!!  My Father gave you a friggin’ brain!  Why in My Own Name did you not use it?  And if you had to take the Bible LITERALLY, why not take what I SAID in it LITERALLY and love the least amongst you as you would ME?  Instead, you chose to justify your own bigotry and hatred with Old Testament nonsense.  You self-aggrandizing fools are not spending an eternity in Paradise after living lives like that. You had the audacity to use MY name to justify YOUR hate.  Did you really think I was going to be OK with it?  Fuck you all!  I sentence you all to burn eternally in Hell for this.”
Jesus had no further comment on this matter, but His mood did brighten a little when he heard the blood curdling screams of the condemned being lowered into Hell to begin their eternity of suffering.

Five Morally Repugnant Acts I’ve Committed Since Becoming An A-theist

Atheists Behaving Badly

Atheists Behaving Badly

As any true a-theist will tell you, once one comes to realize there is no god, all sense of morality is tossed out the proverbial stained glass window, and anything goes.  Here are five morally repugnant acts I’ve committed since becoming an a-theist, all done guilt free.

1. I screened “The Exorcist” for a group of 7-year-old Catholic school girls and afterwards told them God hated them and the devil would possess them and torture them because they were all whores.

2. I released several black mamba snakes in a church during a wedding and laughed my fucking ass off as the entire wedding party went running and screaming from the church.

3. I filled a pinata with fire ants at a children’s birthday party then nearly pissed myself from laughing when the ants came flying out of it and bit the fuck out of the terrified kid who’d opened it.

4. I had several Tea Party members drugged and then photographed nude with dogs fucking them while they were knocked out.  I posted these online at a site I set up called, “I’m A Conservative Twit And I Want To Marry My Dog .”

5. I put a caged skunk in an elevator with 6 Catholic nuns then released it, jumped off the elevator,  jammed the door shut, and left the nuns to be repeatedly sprayed by it until a repair man unjammed the door 20 minutes later.  He, too, was then sprayed by the animal.  Funny fuckin’ shit!


Zeus Destroys Yemen With Massive Bolts Of Lightning

Yemen today was turned into a smoldering pile of charred debris when Zeus, ruler of the gods of ancient Greece, unleashed a torrent of massive lightning bolts into it from his home atop Mount Olympus. “Fuck Yemen!” Zeus said. “I read yesterday that an 8-year-old ‘bride’ was killed there on her ‘wedding night’ by her 40 something year old husband when he fucked her and tore her insides to pieces. Call me old-fashioned, but any country that, for even a second, tolerates, to any degree, a religious or cultural ideology that allows the families of young girls to make arrangements for them to be married to pedophile rapists for a fee, needs to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Fuck that shit! Sick bastards! I’m old, and it isn’t as easy for me to keep track of everything down there like it once was, but you can believe me when I say, stories like this will ALWAYS get to me at some point. I’m hoping I sent a message today that was clear and concise. If a country doesn’t make it its top priority to wipe its ass of the shit stained individuals and organizations that allow, condone, or cover up the rape of children, I’m wiping it off the planet. No questions asked. Vatican City, is next.”

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning

Zeus Blasts Yemen With Lightning