Great news today for all the morally depraved a-theists and non-Christians out there who enjoy eating human flesh, especially on Christian holidays. A spokesman for CERN, Dr. Pert Ecal Axcelurater, announced that the Higgs boson is, as was believed, a cannibal. “The reason the little bastards come and then go so quickly is they are ferocious cannibals, continually on the hunt for each other. The minute one pops up, it’s eaten by another which is then eaten by another, etc, etc, etc. None get to stick around and take a breath, even. The good thing about this for a-theists and those who do not believe in Jesus, is it confirms there are no morals at any level of existence. I personally got a stiffy when I found this out because I’m an a-theist and I’ve no idea what the word “morality” even means. I tell you, I’ve done some shit that’s made even the staunchest Jesus deniers cringe. My lawyer advised my NOT to say anymore than that, but believe me, I’m very happy about this news. CERN is on the job folks. We predict that by the year 2030, the world will be a disorganized, murderous hive of scum and villainy. Rape, cannibalism, murder, and torture will be everyday norms, and all because a sense of right and wrong vanishes as faith in Jesus does. Awesome. Don’t know ’bout you all, but I’m having fried Evangelical Christian baby steak for dinner tonight. And, just for the fun of it, I’m going to toss a few kittens and puppies into the particle accelerator and run it full blast. I’m curious to see what happens.”
In a statement today which was marked with paranoia and excessive use of the words “clearly obvious”, James McDickel, official spokesman for the newly founded Conspiracy Party of America, proclaimed the Higgs boson was discovered by an alien race of really smart beings from a galaxy really far from here. “Just think about it folks,” McDickel said.
“Since it is clearly obvious that aliens built the pyramids in Egypt because ancient Egyptians, using only human ingenuity, perseverance, and a shit-load of people over a shit-load of time, were far too stupid to have done it alone, it only stands to reason that aliens also built the particle accelerator used in finding the Higgs boson. I gotta believe building a fucking machine that shoots subatomic particles around at the speed of light is far harder to build than a fucking pyramid. I, for one, couldn’t even conceive of such a thing, let alone build one, and I’m pretty damn smart. So clearly, it is obvious, that really smart aliens have once again built something really bitchin’ for us that we ourselves never could have done alone. It truly is time for us to give them the credit they deserve and stop pretending we’re capable of building wondrously amazing things all by ourselves.”
“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” director, J.J. Abrams, announced this morning that he has cast the Higgs boson to play a key character in the upcoming sequel to “Star Wars”. “The Higgs boson popped up behind me yesterday as I was focusing a camera lens and practically begged me for a role in the film,” Abrams stated. “The subatomic particle claimed it had been a fan of ‘Star Wars’ since it first saw the original film in 1977. I couldn’t say no to it. Thus, I have given the boson a major speaking role in the movie. I can’t say what it is, but I assure you it will delight audiences of all ages and help long time fans forget the Prequels were ever made. The only set back to this is that the movie will now have to be viewed through a subatomic microscope due to the diminutive size of the Higgs boson. But it will be worth the inconvenience, I can assure you,” Abrams said.
Here’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.
1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R U P?
2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!
3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!
4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!
5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!
That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!
I’ve no fucking idea what that means, but I like the sound of it. And for some reason, it seemed to fit this post which is about my opinions. My radical Zionist opinions. Particularly my opinions on 2 topics that 3 different people, entirely independent of each other, told me they had logically flawless answers to in the last 2 days. The logically impenetrable answers that were presented to me were on these hot button topics, “Should abortion remain legal?”, and “Is there a God?” I’ve no interest in debates on these topics with people, so if I’m asked my opinion on them, I generally talk about Thor and The Hulk and who’s stronger, and that kinda tells people I’m not interested in the discussion. But, since it’s New Years Eve, and I’m just sitting here writing all alone, I’ll give my opinion on said topics. And though my meek opinions of flawless perfection can most definitely be argued with, that isn’t what’s going to happen here. For the record: I do not care if you disagree with me or want to state a counterpoint to mine. This is my blog and you’re not doing it here. There are PLENTY of blogs to have debates on about these issues if you want. This isn’t one of them. I’m a Zionist cannibal with the goal of eating everyone who bothers me. So don’t.
No one has flawlessly perfect, logically impenetrable points about these issues which everyone agrees with. All fucking people EVER do is argue about these issues, and many people who do are very, very, intelligent. So no, no point is so flawlessly logical that it can’t be argued against from an opposing side. When there are numerous people, with numerous arguments related to the same topic, claims of absolute and flawless logic in regards to any one argument is not something I take very seriously. Abortion is viewed by most as a black and white issue but, from what life’s taught me, it isn’t. I’m not a woman. I can’t become pregnant. I may LOOK pregnant from the abundance of carbohydrates I consume, but rest assured, I’m not nor can I ever become pregnant. I do still have an opinion on abortion, however, and it follows below.
I do not think the aborting of a fetus from the womb of a pregnant woman is funny, a game, a good choice of birth control, nor to be taken lightly by anyone for any reason. I also think if any of these prior descriptions fit your attitude about abortion, you need serious mental health counseling. I also do not think abortion should be illegal. It is a women’s right to have control of her body. If men had to carry babies and squeeze them out of our bodies, the legalization of abortion would be a non issue. As a matter of fact, I’m quite certain the fucking human species would have died out thousands of years ago if this were the case. As for when a fetus should be considered to be fully “human”, I say at the sperm and egg stage. Treat the death of each sperm cell, especially those wasted through masturbation, as the loss of a human life, and hold the offending masturbators guilty of infanticide for their inability to control themselves, and different tunes sung in different keys will be sung. I am not in any way kidding about this, nor do I mean to make light of the matter. As well, each month, after a woman’s period, a funeral should be held in honor of the half human who ALMOST made it to being a full human. Human sperm cells and egg cells are HUMAN. They are souls waiting for bodies. They are not fish. They are not monkeys. They are HUMAN. And their loss is tragic. Start treating them as such, and the whole abortion issue will be replaced with this one. Again, I am serious about my stance on this. That being said, I want it known that I would defend with my very life, if necessary, a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body.
Another answer to a question I never asked but was given any way involves the absolute certainty of God’s existence and how it can be proven flawlessly through rhetorical means alone. The undeniable “evidence” for God’s existence given in most of these arguments is that since the universe exists, it had to have been created by God because something can’t come from nothing. Really? Perhaps this is true. Sounds spiffy. Though how this then confirms the existence of the CHRISTIAN god in particular, I don’t know. But then I’m just an idiot who PRETENDS to know shit in order to get cheap laughs, so you can’t go by me. When I’m presented with definitive statements about God and our universe, a universe that is mind-boggling to me in its complexity, I’m amazed such immense, all-powerful knowledge can be contained within single mortal minds. Possible I guess. But, you know, I’m really going to need some real evidence if I’m going to believe anything I’m told like this. And, no, having won the gold medal for debate in the 1985 Wisconsin State Debate Finals doesn’t count.
The complete acceptance, and by so many, of rhetorical arguments alone as proof for the Christian creator of the cosmos makes me wonder why we’ve pissed away so much money on particle accelerators in search of the Higgs boson, when all that’s apparently needed to prove anything to millions of people is a logically sound argument, flawlessly articulated, that NO ONE could EVER argue against. Fuck physical evidence. If Peter Higgs SAYS there’s a Higgs field, and he states it soundly enough, then god damn it, there’s a Higgs field giving mass to energy. Period. I don’t know about you, but I’m rather glad medical science doesn’t operate this way.
I’m glad medicine has tests that scientists took the time to develop to see whether or not I actually need things like insulin and chemotherapy before I start to use them. If my doctor told me to go home and start injecting insulin because he had a flawless argument as to why I needed it all written out for me, I’d get a different doctor. So would anyone else, I think. Which makes me not get the God ABSOLUTELY HAS to exist type of arguments people espouse. I’m happy for them if they believe what they say, but I’m not happy when I get the “what kind of idiot are you to NOT believe what I’m saying” look when I say I do not believe for lack of evidence. I’m not bashing the believer, either. I’ve learned that what people BELIEVE to be true is far more significant and powerful than what actually IS true about what they believe. I get it. A person’s faith is like their ethnicity and I can respect that, but then I want my way of viewing reality respected as well. And to me, it is just unwise to accept extraordinary claims without extraordinary evidence. If you don’t believe me, just shoot insulin the next time someone tells you to just because they wrote a logically flawless argument for why you needed it.