Apocalypse To Include Only Christians, Says God

God

God

God today released a rather unexpected message regarding the Apocalypse. “Dear humans, I have some bad news and some good news for you. I’ll start with the bad: the Apocalypse is coming, and soon. Now for the good news: it will only affect Christians. Yep. You heard me right. The Apocalypse will be here in just a few days but will only affect Christians. I’m gonna vaporize the little whining bitches and blast their atoms across the cosmos. The rest of you won’t be affected at all, except for the fact you will no longer have to listen to homophobic, end of days bullshit from Christians. I, myself, just can’t stand to hear it anymore. I don’t know how the rest of humanity deals with these self-aggrandizing idjits who point their fingers at others condemning them in my name for things I don’t give a shit about. Who are they to even remotely think they’ve a right to speak for me? Assholes! And another thing that just grinds my panties into a ball is that SO many of them completely refuse to use the brain they’ve been given. They continually deny scientific realities like evolution and geology by saying the universe is only 6000 years old and man and modern apes did not evolve over millions of years from a common ancestor. IDIOTS!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

Therefor, since they talk of an Apocalypse so much, I’ve decided to give them one, but ONLY them. I’m vaporizing them into non-existence. They aren’t going to Hell. They aren’t going to Purgatory, and they aren’t going to Heaven. They’re getting blasted into the nothingness from whence all things came, including me. Yes, this is bad news for Christians, but, for the rest of you normal humans, I’ve a feeling you’ll be quite pleased by my decision. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Leonard Nimoy and I are having dinner to discuss my ideas for a new Star Trek film about Spock’s adventures in the afterlife. Goodbye.”

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I Am Not Agnostic, I Am Non-Theistic, Or A-Theistic

To the next theist who tells me it is not possible for me, or any one else, to really be an a-theist, or that a-theism is a religion or a “Faith” based belief of some kind, I offer the following definitions:

1. the·ism
ˈTHēˌizəm/
noun: theism
belief in the existence of a god or gods, esp. belief in one god as creator of the universe, intervening in it and sustaining a personal relation to his creatures

2. a·the·ism
ˈāTHēˌizəm/
noun: atheism

disbelief or lack of belief in the existence of God or gods.Atheism Defined

The definition of atheism starts and ends here for me. I do not care if others belong to atheistic churches, are new or old atheists, seek to convert the religious to become non-religious, or actively hate theists. The definition starts and ends for me with the one above. I find the defensive, battle-ready stance of some theists when I say I’m a non-theist to be offensive, ignorant, bigoted, and above all else, really fucking annoying. What’s even more annoying is when Christians try to tell me who it is I am.  I recently was told that I can’t REALLY be an a-theist because one can’t know ABSOLUTELY that Jesus doesn’t exist, so at best all I, or any non-believer, can truly be is agnostic.  After reflecting on this being said to me, I’ve come up with this response: Fuck You! Fuck you, you defensive Christian pussy. No, really. Fuck you!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me define who I am to the Christian idiots who think they know me better than I do myself.  Just because it is impossible to prove a thing does not exist, does not mean that it does, or that I think it does. I do not believe the following things exist because I see NO evidence that they do: Big Foot, UFO’s, Aliens who kidnap people, fondle them, then return them to their beds without leaving a single piece of evidence they were ever there, Ancient Aliens who built the pyramids, The Loch Ness Monster, Thor, Odin, Loki, Osiris, Isis, Jesus, Allah, Vampires, Ghosts, Spirits, etc, etc, etc.  Please note that I did not say it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these things to exist. I simply see no reason AT ALL to believe they do. Christians are atheists when it comes to Ra, Zeus, and Isis. They’re not agnostic when it comes to them. They simply do not believe they exist. I’m a non-theist when it comes to all gods, even Jesus. And if you’ve forgotten already what that word means, see the above definitions again and the Sam Harris quote below. Keep reading them over and over until they sink into the muddled mass of feces you call a brain, and STOP thinking you are so omnipotent as to know me. You don’t. You DO NOT define me. I do.Sam Harris On Definition Of Atheism Lastly, the same Christians who’ve been so quick to define me are perhaps the most defensive fuckers about their own omnipotent “Faith” as I’ve ever seen people be. I do not believe what you do. I do not care that you believe it. I know it is central to your life, but it isn’t to mine. I’ve no interest in attacking you or converting you, yet this does not seem to matter. It’s as if my disbelief in your god somehow threatens you and your god. This behavior makes you and your god pussies in my eyes, and places a neon sign over your head that reads: “Idiot Seeking Argument Out Of Fear Of Being Wrong. Stay Clear.” I am not interested in debating with Christians, converting them, hating them, or treating them in any other way than I treat anyone else or expect myself to be treated. But know this, judge me, think you’ve some divine right to define and label me, and you’ve gained an enemy, someone who hates not only you, but your mother for having you and your father for fucking your mother and impregnating her with you. If I had total confidence in the fact that an almighty being was REALLY my creator, and I was going to Heaven when I died, I’d not be such a defensive pussy when someone simply told me they did not share my beliefs. That is the sign of a weasel, a spineless weasel who must make others wrong so that he can feel right about himself and his”Faith.” I did not come to the realization I was an atheist with hate in my heart for Christians who behave in such a way. But it is there now. They’ve earned it. Every single last bit of it.

My Solutions To Homophobia

I’m really sick of listening to homophobic, hate-filled bullshit from Christians and Conservatives. Fucking sick of it. Though I’m not gay myself, I’ve seen gays portrayed in TV shows and in movies. From these portrayals, I’ve come to understand that gay people are actually just humans, no different from myself, except for the cock sucking and man-gina riding, that is. This being said, I’ve come to the conclusion that homophobia is a severe mental illness: A mental illness from which humanity must be cured if it is to survive. Let me tell you my plan for curing it.

First, I must gain the power of a god and become ruler of America. Once I do this, and it may take a while because it’s never been done before, I’ll make the following decrees which, in time, will eliminate homophobia.

Me As God

Me As God

1.) On their 18th birthday, every person, whether or not they’ve done it already, MUST have sex with a member of the same-sex. Girls will lick pussy, and boys will suck cock. Some will like it, and some will really not like it, but all will do it. This way, every man will have sucked dick, and every woman will have suckled on a pussy at least once in their life. After this, it’s up to the individual if they liked it enough to do it again, or not. The point is, EVERYONE will have to do it.

We Gotta Do It. Try To Have Fun

We Gotta Do It. Try To Have Fun

2.) If, at any point in a person’s life after this, they utter a homophobic comment, or worse yet, make such a comment because they claim some imaginary god hates gays, they will have to have sex with a member of the same-sex for the rest of their lives or simply not have sex. This way, no matter how much someone may think they hate gays, they will hate me far more if they don’t change their thinking.

The Only Sex Allowed For Homophobes

The Only Sex Allowed For Homophobes

3.) Every religion that states its god hates gays will be dissolved. Period. Actually, every religion stating it is correct and others are wrong will be dissolved. So, if a religion makes you happy to practice it, yippy for you. Practice it. Just remember, you will not be allowed to judge and condemn anyone because of it. Period. Shut up and enjoy your religion nicely, or I’ll wipe it out. Kapeesh?

Things I'd Do If I Were God

Things I’d Do If I Were God

And there you have it. My solutions to homophobia. Imperious Rex!

Human Race Sues God And Wins

The Proud And Self-Reliant Human Race

The Proud And Self-Reliant Human Race

The Human Race shocked the world and itself today when it was awarded unlimited free access to Paradise, Eden, and all Disney produced films from now until the end of days as settlement in its lawsuit against God for child endangerment, reckless abandonment, and gross criminal negligence dating back to its creation.  “We just got tired of all the silence,” said Jill Filmeup, a human, and representative of her race.  “To give birth to us and then just toss us to the proverbial wolves as infants without so much as a phone call on Christmas is not acceptable behavior.  No other parent would be excused for treating a child in such a way, and God is no exception.  He’ll never admit it, but I personally believe His main problem is He’s a type ‘A’ personality who felt driven to create the universe and human beings before He was actually ready for the responsibility of it all.  He really needed to sort out His shit before creating kids.  As any parent will tell you, having children isn’t easy, and it takes A LOT of your time. You can’t just leave an infant in the woods to fend for itself because caring for it is harder than you’d thought it would be.  One’s responsibilities change when one decides to have kids, and God tried to brush away His by telling us His ways are just too mysterious for us to comprehend, and we shouldn’t even try.  We did try, and we do understand. You, God, are a lazy, negligent parent. Period.  Hopefully this ruling will help HIM understand this. But, even if it does, getting Him to honor it isn’t going to be easy.”

What If Bible Characters Were Animals?

Because my sanity is not at all stable, I often get ridiculously nonsensical ideas that I turn into blog posts. This is one them. If famous characters from the Bible were animals, here’s what they’d look like. Hallelujah!

1.) Here’s God just after he, unexpectedly, created the first humans.

I Didn't Think I could Actually Make Humans. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do With 'Em Now?

I Didn’t Think It Would Really Work. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do Now?

2.) And here’s his number one bad-ass of a son, Jesus.

I'm Not Only The Only God There Is, I'm The Strongest!

I Told Ya I Could Lift It, Pa. Didn’t I? Well, Didn’t I?

3.) And now, to help us round out the three gods who are, somehow, actually only one, here’s The Holy Spirit.

Say, Jesus, I'm Gonna Use Your Pool. Hope You Don't Mind.

Say, Jesus, I Dropped By To Use Your Pool. Hope You Don’t Mind.

4.) John the Baptist’s freshly decapitated head is next.

What The Fuck Are You Lookin' At?

What The Fuck Are You Lookin’ At?

5.) A group shot of the 12 Apostles arriving at Jesus’ place for the last supper.

OK, Jesus, We're Here. What's For Supper?

OK, Jesus, We’re Here. Where’s The Eats?

6.) Eve, the first woman, in a rather compromising position.

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don't Bite Into It For Christ's Sake!

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don’t Bite Into It For Christ’s Sake, OK?

7.) And, here’s Adam and Eve suffering the consequences of Adam not following Eve’s instructions from the above picture.

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin' Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin’ Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

8.) Lastly, we have this lovely picture of Allah, the great god of the Koran, as he moves into his new home.

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Isn't You Yahweh!

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Ain’t You, Yahweh!

Fini

Famous Beards From The Bible

Forest Moon, Endor.  World renowned Biblical archeologist, Professor Al Lickya, stopped by TACP’s Berlin office today with some stunning photos he discovered in Tunisia of famous Bible folks sporting beards. Have a look at them, and let us know what you think. Some of them are quite shocking, so please, do not view them if you are an expectant mother or bald.

1.) This first pic is of the big guy himself wearing a very General Grant-ish style beard. Quite dapper, in a Civil War kinda way, eh?

God

God

2.) This next pic is of the big guy’s number one kid, looking a tad bit scruffy and very, very pissed off. Guess he REALLY didn’t want his picture taken.

Jesus

Jesus

3.) Next, we have a pic of the big cheese from another holy book, The Koran. He looks a lot younger than I thought he would. Wouldn’t you agree?

Allah

Allah

4.) Here’s one that I find quite surprising, as I never expected to find her wearing a beard. Too much testosterone in the food back then I suppose.

Virgin Mary

The Virgin Mary

5.) And lastly, here’s a pic of Mary’s earthly husband taken immediately after she told him she was pregnant, and the baby wasn’t his, but God’s.

Joseph

Joseph

Fini

World Praises America For Creating God

People Of The World Praising America

People Of The World Praising America For Creating God

World Spokesman, Professor Bob Onmekock, praised America this morning for the creation of God. “In particular,” Professor Onmekock said,”the nations of the world would like to thank America for the creation of the god, Jesus. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, ‘Jesus was around long before there was an America. How could America have invented him?’ My answer to that, one the entire world shares with me, is this: The REAL Jesus did not exist until American conservatives created him. What existed before that was a weak, incomplete facsimile of Jesus who did not yet hate fags, liberals, Jews, Democrats, and poor people the way the real, American, Jesus does. It is also a cold hard fact that, before America defined Jesus, he never once was associated with gun ownership and Capitalism.

The Real, American, Jesus

The Real, American, Jesus

Well, American conservatives have sure as hell changed that. Who now, in the whole of the wide world, can picture Jesus without a rifle? Or Jesus without stock options worth billions? Or, worse yet, Jesus without white skin and blue eyes? Who? Oh, perhaps a bleeding heart sissy of a liberal can, but not a true believer in Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ. So I, and the world, want to say, thank you America. Thank you for showing all the money-grubbing, homophobic, white, elitist mother fuckers out there in the world that we are the way we are because Jesus demands us to be. It is through the love of Christ, the true, American Christ, that we have embraced our true selves. And it is through the love of this very real God that we will continue to use this planet as we see fit and shit all over anyone, or anything, that gets in our way. God bless you, America, and God bless Jesus!”