Just in time for Christmas, the Tea Party announced today it is selling a new product to help eliminate the poor from the face of the Earth. It’s called, Poor Away. Just spray a tiny bit onto anyone making under 15 thousand dollars a year and they’ll dissolve into thin air as if they never lived. Be the envy of your conservative, white, Christian friends as you wipe out the poor with Poor Away. The proceeds of each sale go to support tax vouchers to help rich people send their children to wealthy, private schools. Eliminate the foul-smelling blight that the poor bring to our country and, at the same time, help keep rich white kids from having to mingle with poor, black, Hispanic, and Asian kids in Public Schools. What can be a better Holiday gift to give to yourself and/or your Tea Party member friends this Christmas than a sparkling new can of Poor Away ? Pre-order one today, for the meager price of 75 dollars, and receive a free, Earth Is Only 6000 Years Old , T-shirt while supplies last.
Badhair City, Iowa. Republican Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, today vowed that if he is elected President, he will send the Indians back to India. “Let’s face it,” Trump said, “there’s no such thing as an ‘American Indian’. People from America are Americans, and people from India are Indians. The Indians have been a thorn in the side of America since it was founded by wealthy, white, conservative Christian men in the early 1950’s. Anyone who’s seen a John Wayne Western can tell you this. Therefor, in order to end the pestilence that is the Indian in America I, if elected President, will send every last one of them back to their native India and place a 50 foot wall along the American, Indian border to forever keep them there. So, come November 2016, vote for Donald Trump for President. It’s the white thing to do.”
Rich Land, USA. The Republican Party today issued a statement demanding that the US Marine Corps stop being used to study biology. “What kinda B.S. is this?” GOP spokeswoman, Ivana Ownurass, said earlier. “The Marines are a branch of the US military that should be used to defend America against invaders from Mexico, Puerto Rico, and Hawaii, not to study biology. Marine biology is a clear sign that America is being run by a leftist, liberal, Muslim atheist of a President. We members of the Republican Party implore each and every American citizen to write to your congressman today to stop this ridiculous misuse of our Marines. We also implore each and every one of you to vote Republican in the election next year to help keep the poor poor, the wealthy wealthy, and the Mexicans south of our borders. May the white, all-loving arms of Christ wrap themselves around you to see that you do this. Amen.”
Yagottabekiddin Town, Illinois. Just when you thought the Republican Party could not appear more intellectually and morally challenged than it already is, Ben Carson, the Republican front-runner to win the Party’s nomination for President, announced today the Earth is only 6 days old. “I’m a Christian,” Carson said earlier, “and Christians, by nature, are very smart people. However, some of us think the Earth is 6000 years old, and this is just crazy. My years of studying to become a neurosurgeon have made me really, really, really smart. When you combine this with my devout Christian beliefs, it makes me the smartest man alive. Thus, when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, you’d better friggin’ believe me. Hell, I may very well be your next President, America, and if that happens, and I find out you don’t believe me when I tell you the Earth is only 6 days old, I’m gonna come to your house and punch you in your liberal nose. So, believe a smart guy like me: the Earth is only 6 days old, and remember, vote Republican, and vote for Ben Carson, the smartest friggin’ man alive.”
10.) Continually used my light sabre as a flash light even though I was repeatedly warned of how dangerous it was.
09.) Put pink lights in all the light sabres making the Jedi appear “gay” during battles.
08.) Used the Force to open beer cans to impress babes.
07.) Used the Force to lift the skirts of hot chicks as they walked by me.
06.) Shaved off Obi Wan’s eyebrows after he passed out during a drinking binge.
05.) Used Jedi mind tricks to get free coffee and donuts from 7/11.
04.) Used the Force to levitate my 87-year-old neighbor’s cat causing her to have a mild stroke.
03.) Used my light sabre to cut a man’s car into pieces after he cut me off on the express way.
02.) Used Luke Skywalker’s credit card to purchase 6000 dollars worth of electronics equipment on Amazon.com.
01.) And the number one reason why I was kicked out of the Jedi Order…..I put Ben Gay in Yoda’s jock strap as a Halloween prank.
Our resident Fundamentalist Christian comic, Frankie Analtight, dropped by the Pontificator office today with some new jokes he’s been working on for his act. Here are a few of them for your perusal.
1.) How many Christians does it take to turn on a light? None. Only Jesus can turn on light.
2.) Why are some people very poor? Because they are lazy.
3.) How many doctors does it take to heal a broken leg? None. Only prayer can heal a broken limb.
4.) Why did Judas betray Jesus? Because he was a bad man.
5.) Why are there people in the world who are not Christians? Because they’re using their freewill to deny reality.
6.) Why are atheists so evil? Because they are the children of Satan.
7.) Why are some people disabled? Because they were bad and God’s punishing them for it.
8.) Why did the Jews kill Christ? See the answer to number 6.
9.) What did Jesus say to the gay couple when he saw them kiss? I hate you.
10.) Why is President Obama such a horrible person? Because he is a devout Muslim and an atheist.