Can anything be more vile than Hitler and the Nazis? “Yes,” says Fr. Phillip Boibutt, Vatican representative on righteous morality. “Hitler was clearly suffering from a depression that made him do questionable things he’d surely have apologized for later, had he not killed himself to avoid being sodomized by the invading Russian army,” Fr. Boibutt stated. “But Catholics who have sexual contact of any kind outside of a Church approved marriage, for any reason other than making more Catholics, are an evil so disgusting and insipid in nature, even leftist liberals, who nightly tear fetuses from their mother’s wombs, just for fun, pale by comparison.
The Vatican is starting a program to hunt down and slowly flay, alive, any Catholic engaging in sexual activities outside of a Church approved marriage. And, yes, masturbation is most definitely considered a sexual activity outside of marriage. So remember, if you wank, you die. It’s God’s will that we kill you for wasting His precious semen. We’re just waiting on the Pope’s final approval to begin the flaying. Gonna be MESSY!”