I ran into Emperor Palpatine, of “Star Wars” fame, at Starbucks this morning. He agreed to come back to The Arm Chair Pontificator offices with me so I could interview him for the site. I present that interview here, in its entirety, to be read at your leisure.
Me: Emperor Palpatine, I am very honored that you are allowing me to interview you. I know you must be very busy with all the evil shit you have to do, so I’ll get to the tough questions right away.
Palpatine: Good. I can FEEL your anxiety to ask these questions. Anxiety can be turned to ANGER, and anger gives you FOCUS; it makes you POWERFUL; it makes you SITH!
Me: Well, I’m more of a shit than a Sith to be honest. Know what I mean, Palpy ‘ole boy?
Palpatine: No. I do not know what you mean. My statement was rhetorical. I did not mean to imply that YOU personally, were a Sith. You are too much the simpleton to be Sith. You said you would not waste time, boy. You’ve done so already. Now, what questions do you have for me, Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith!
A.K.A. Darth Sidious
Me: Well, to start with, doesn’t it get old being angry ALL the time? I mean, dude, you’re miserable! You bitch. You grouch. You threaten, and you kill. Gets old, man. Doesn’t it?
Palpatine: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M ALWAYS ANGRY! (Blue lighting flashes from Palpatine’s hands as he says this. It burns several pictures off the wall). Take that back, boy! You are nothing compared to the POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!
Blue Force Lightning
Me: You see, Palpy. This is what I mean. I asked you a friggin’ question, dude! Did you have to fuck up my wall with blue finger lightning? Those pictures were expensive. And they weren’t mine. They’re my girlfriends. What am I suppose to tell her? Sorry, babe. Darth Sidious got pissed off and burned up your pictures with some blue finger lightning? Do you honestly think she’ll buy that? You fucked me, pal. You fucked me good!
Palpatine: GOOD. I can FEEL your ANGER! Now, reach out with it, boy! Strike me down with it, and take Darth Vader’s place by my side. I’ve been very lonely since he tossed me down that the huge tube and abandoned me, all those years ago. So please, try to kill me so I can convert you. Please?
Tube Vader Tossed Sidious Down
Me: I’m not much of a killer, Palpy. And you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith. You’ll fry me, man. Look. If you’re lonely, dude, it’s cause you’re lugging around all that rage. No one wants to deal with that shit. Just chill the fuck out. Besides, however it happened, you’re in America now. Ain’t no one making you Emperor here, or making you any other kind of political ruler either, unless you are a Christian. Tell people you’re a follower of the Force in this country, and they’ll lock you in a nut house. In America, you gotta believe in virgin births, resurrections, and giant arks that 2 of every kind of animal can live on in order to be taken seriously. It’s really crazy, man. So lighten up. I’ll hang with you, but I’m not becoming an evil Sith apprentice for you. Christ, imagine me with a light sabre? I’d cut my own leg off.
I’d Cut My Leg Off With This
Palpatine: You do bring up some very valid points, my young friend. You know, I’ve heard that J.J. Abrams is directing Star Wars Episode 7. I am very excited about that. Perhaps, you and I can go together to see it when it comes out? In the mean time, I’ll meditate on the paradoxical situation I’m in: I’m a Sith Lord with unfulfilled emotional needs caused by the very hate and anger which make me a Sith Lord. I’ve got my work cut out for me. I’ll see you again soon, my wise apprentice. I’ll see you again, soon.
Me: Yep. Take care now, Palpy. And please, don’t kill any one in the lobby on the way out.