Velcro Is To Roswell As Bullshit Is To…..?

Don’t know how this amazing piece of well-known, undeniable proof has eluded me all these years, but, apparently, we would not have Velcro today had aliens not crashed landed a space ship in the Mexican desert in the 1950’s. That’s what a Faith-filled alien conspiracy believer shouted at me yesterday when I told him I did not see any conceivable reason to believe such an event happened.

 Proof The Government Is Hiding A Crashed Alien Space Craft

Proof The Government Is Hiding A Crashed Alien Space Craft

And I mean SHOUTED at me, as if I’d questioned his manhood or some other deeply sensitive thing. “What about fuckin’ Velcro, mother fucker?! Explain that shit, you shit head!” I also didn’t realize that by not believing in alien space craft crash conspiracies I was a “mother fucker” and a “shit head.” Live and learn, I guess. There are two words that come into my mind lately whenever I’m told about U.S. grand scheme cover-up conspiracies: Edward Snowden. You remember him don’t you, the NSA entry-level worker who blew the whistle on the illegal internet spying the U.S. does on its own citizens? That Edward Snowden. It amazes me how so many believe the “Government” to be so omnipotent and God-like that it can hide an alien space craft in the New Mexican desert for 70 years and murder 3000 innocent people on 9/11 without a single piece of credible evidence to these Earth changing events ever being produced by anyone, ever, and, at the same time, be so oafish as to let Snowden do what he did. Because believe me, the NSA did NOT want Snowden doing what he did and then, worse yet, rubbing their faces in it by running to Russia for protection and becoming Putin’s personal bitch. Velcro. Velcro is the fucking selling point for these idiots. Mother fucking Velcro. I’m convinced, that if an alien species did come here, they’d turn tail and run. We are a stupid lot, collectively speaking. I would fly off right now myself, except, last time I checked, Velcro did not work well as a warp drive for inter galactic space travel.

Putin Posts Nude Pics Of Edward Snowden On Obama’s Facebook Page

Cropped Pornographic Snowden Pic

Obama Found Pics Like This On His Facebook Page Today

In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.

Vladimir, You'll Pay For This!

Vladimir, You’ll Pay For This!

“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!

IMO, The Pics Were Quite Tastefully Done

Putin: “The Pics Were Quite Tastefully Done, IMO.”

President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.

Obama's 'Lil Bomber

Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber

Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”

A Nobel Prize Worthy Opinion On Conspiracy Theories

conspiracy wahck jobsDedicated followers of conspiracy theories expect me to believe that the American government is so powerful and omnipotent it secretly murdered 3000 innocent people on 9/11 and has kept hidden, for 50 plus years, the greatest discovery in the annuals of human history, space ships and aliens from another world. I’m also expected to believe that the U.S. government is so omnipotent it has been able to prevent all those involved with these massive cover ups from ever publicly stating, “Hey, I know who placed the explosives on the infrastructures of the Trade Center buildings!” or “Hey, I’m having diner tonight with the advanced alien species we keep hidden in the desert. Stop by and meet them.” It’s absolutely unbelievable to me, given the diarrhea-like nature of the human mouth and its incessant craving to blab about even the smallest thing, that the American government has been able to do this. This is one reason I do not take conspiracy theories seriously. The recent case of Edward Snowden is another.

Why couldn’t the omnipotent U.S. government stop Snowden from doing what he did? Why? Really, the same all-powerful government, that miraculously keeps everyone involved in the murder of 3000 people silent and keeps space aliens hidden in the fucking desert, can’t prevent a low-level NSA employee from yapping to the press about illegal internet and phone spying? Absolutely absurd.

Edward Snowden worked for the NSA, the one fucking department the U.S. government MUST have covered for leaks if it really does have aliens hidden away and it really did murder 3000 people on 9/11. But it didn’t, did it? No. Osama bin Laden killed those people on 9/11. And any alien species that has figured out a way to transverse the cosmos and come here is NOT hanging out in a fucking U.S. Army bunker in the New Mexican desert. It’s idiotic and asinine to believe such a thing. Just like it is idiotic and asinine to believe in conspiracy theories that bestow god-like abilities on organizations made up of mere mortals.