E-mail To The Pontificator

email-forwardingWe get over 890,000 e-mails a day here at The Arm Chair Pontificator.  Here are a few.

1.) This one comes from liberalkiller66@gmail.com.  “Hey!  Pontificator!  I think your dick is tiny and your brain even tinier than that.   Obviously you’re a gay, atheist, lefty libtard who sleeps with Muslims cause you are one!  I’m sick of reading the shit you write, so STOP writing it, ass-bag!  Just go back to your friends in ISIS and die before I carpet bomb you!  ‘Bye, you ball sack, you.”

My reply to liberalkiller66 was as follows:  “Thanks for your kind words, liberalkiller66.  You seem like a fine fellow.   Next time you see your mother, tell her I dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the last time I stayed over at her place and put it back in the holder without rinsing it off.  Hope she didn’t use it.”

2.) And this one is from jimmythetoddler@yahoo.com.  “Hello.  I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Jimmy, and I’m 3 years old.  Yesterday, my mom and I, while out jogging through Manhattan, stopped by your office so I could use the bathroom.  I think I left my bag of candy there.  Could you please check and let me know if I did, and, if it’s there, could you please FedEx it back to me right away?  I want to eat it.  Thanks. P.S. Love your site, man.”

My reply to Jimmy was this: “Sorry Jimmy, I found your candy and I ate it all.  Life simply blows sometimes, doesn’t it.  Thanks for reading my blog, and keep up with the jogging.  I hear it’s good for you.”