Humid-As-Fuck City, Florida. In breath-stopping news today, University of Miami Paleontologist, Dr. Al Beseeingu, announced he’s discovered a new species of dinosaur living in a swamp near Orlando, Florida. “I was walking in the swamp looking for a contact lens I’d lost there several years ago when suddenly I noticed the bottled water I was drinking had magically turned into wine,” Dr. Beseeingu said earlier. “I then heard a loud crunching noise behind me, and when I turned to see what it was, I saw a ten foot long dinosaur with a very human-like beard staring right at me. I panicked, pulled out the side arm I always carry, in case I ever need to stand my ground, and shot the beast squarely in the head several times. It let out a gasp, fell to the ground, died, and then immediately resurrected from the dead in a burst of light. At that moment I knew I was dealing with a new species of dinosaur I’ve since dubbed, the Jesusaurus Rex. The beast has the power to turn water into wine and resurrect itself from death. This explains how it’s never gone extinct. I was fortunate enough to snap one picture of it with my phone before it slithered back into the swamp and vanished from sight. I’ll be returning to the location where I saw the beast in a few weeks with some Catholic priests and an Evangelical minister. I’m hoping they can help me convince the creature, if found, to return with us to the University of Miami for further study. Wish us luck.”
Fox News reporter, Phil O’Shite, reported this morning that internet super-stud, and former Pro Jello-Wrestler, PZ Myers has joined The Flat Earth, Creationist Movement To Revive The Dinosaurs being spear-headed by Creationist and Abe Lincoln look-a-like, Ken Ham.
“If this story is confirmed, it will make the first Moon Landing, in comparison, seem like one of those Jewish holidays Christians can never remember the name of,” said O’Shite. “The odds of something like this happening are so astronomically large, no one thought it worth the time to actually calculate them. And yet, here we are on the brink of having dinosaurs once again walk the planet. For if these two giants of the human intellect can’t find a way to send a breathing T-Rex into every Christian school in the country for a little show and tell, no one can. While we’re awaiting an official announcement from President Obama on this, let me provide a bit of background information on these two Hercules-like studs for the reader.
PZ Myers has had a few publicly embarrassing occurrences come his way in recent years, his abrupt, dramatic departure from a Skeptic movement no one knew existed, and his unsubstantiated claims to have had sexual encounters with female Yeti’s being but two of them. Ken Ham, as well, has had his struggles since coming to the States from Australia. His pet kangaroo, and body-guard, Lamont, has been pulled over for multiple DUI’s since arriving, causing Ken a great deal of frustration and shame, and just recently some idiot on the internet said he was going to eat him for Christmas dinner just to get a sick, cheap laugh from the few diseased minds out there who think cannibal humor is funny. So this joint venture to perform what is tantamount to a miracle is just what these two boys needed right about now. Still no word from the White House, so let me explain how dinosaur revival is expected to work.
First, Ken and PZ will crawl up to the edge of our very flat Earth; then, PZ will hold Ken upside down by his ankles so he can reach underneath the Earth to find, and remove, some dinosaur bones. These bones will then be place in a very special container, shaped like miniature Noah’s Arks, and filled with water. The miniature Arks will be placed in an empty parking lot near PZ’s house, and Ken will pray over them for God to allow the water within them to rehydrate the dinosaur bones back into living dinosaurs within 2 weeks, give or take a day. Sounds like a flawless plan to this Fox reporter, who just got word that not only has President Obama confirmed this story, he also has confirmed that Evolutionist, Richard Dawkins, has joined the Flat Earth/Creationist Movement to Revive The Dinosaurs.
Apparently, PZ and Ken convinced Mr. Dawkins, with ease, that the Earth was only 6000 years old and flat. But Mr. Dawkins was unwilling to fully commit himself to the dinosaur revival mission until the three men could come to an agreement on just HOW flat the Earth, indeed, was. Ken Ham sealed the deal with Dawkins when he suggested the Earth was as flat as a ‘pancake,’ and Dawkins replied, ‘Who could argue with that?’ So stay tuned, folks, for news about when the dinosaurs first become revived. There can be no doubt it will happen, and soon, now that Dawkins’ genius has been added to that of Ham’s and Myers’.”