Big Foot Kills Hunters Hunting Him, Will Tour Soon With Bodies

Big Foot released a statement today that he has shot and killed,”2 redneck som’bitchin’ hillbillies”, whom he claims have been trying to kill him for years.

Did Big Foot Kill These 2 Big Foot Hunters?

Did Big Foot Kill These 2 Big Foot Hunters?

“I finally got those som’bitches,” Mr. Foot told Fox News earlier today. “I saved up my pennies and dimes and bought me a double barrel shot-gun. I sawed off the first 8” of the barrels, and waited for those hillbilly bastards to leave their tent to hunt me. Then I blew their fuckin’ faces off. Dumb hillbilly bastards. I’m going to tour with the bodies in a few months once I kill me a few more people to put on display along with ’em. I’m thinking, maybe, some terrorists or somethin’. Those’ll look mighty nice next to these 2 dumb bastards’ corpses, I reckon.

Big Foot Posing With Weapons

Big Foot Posing With Weapons

I got me a pal in Omaha who’s a kick-ass taxidermist. I’ll have him stuff my kills in action poses for the tour, you know, ta make my narration of events seem cooler ‘n shit. Anyways, keep yer eyes open for the tour. I think I’ll call it, ‘Big Foot’s Tour With The Bodies Of The Dumb-Ass Hillbillies Who Tried To Kill Him, Minus Their Faces ‘Cause They’s Been Blowed Off.’ Wadda ya all think?”  Stay tuned to Fox for more on this story as it breaks.

Bigfoot Researchers Claim Chewbacca Mask & Furry Rug Are Proof Bigfoot Is Real

Chewbacca Mask, Bigfoot, Or Total Bullshit?

Chewbacca Mask, Bigfoot, Or Total Bullshit?

Recently a group called, “The Sasquatch Genome Project,” released a blurry HD video showing someone in a Chewbacca mask walking in the woods, and what looks like a large furry rug spread under a bush. The group says these images are of a male and a female Bigfoot, and that they, along with some fuzzy shit they claim contains Bigfoot DNA, are proof Bigfoot is real.  Here’s the video: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/technology/2013/10/new-bigfoot-evidence-screened-as-expert-claims-proof-of-existence/.   It’s “evidence” like this that shows cryptozoology for the insult to reason and intelligence it is.   I find it utterly amazing, that with today’s technology, where one can take a high-resolution, detailed picture of a flea from 50 yards away, that absolutely no one has EVER captured a single clear image of a Bigfoot that even remotely looks real.   And I must assume that “The Sasquatch Genome Project” researchers were so confident no one would doubt the furry rug seen in their film was a sleeping female Bigfoot, they decided waking it and filming it while it awoke and stood would be, what, over-kill?

Every fucking time a story like this pops up in “legitimate” news reports , I eagerly hope it IS real.  If a giant hairy, bi-pedal ape-like species or a group of feral Conservative Christian tree dwellers ever were to be discovered,  I’d be thrilled as shit to learn about it.  But silly nonsense like this is insulting to my intelligence.  9 foot tall, fur covered, man-apes are not hiding in the North American woods, or any other woods for that matter.  Cryptozoologists need to cut this shit out.  It is VERY ANNOYING!