In a brazenly crude act which has greatly increased the tension between Russian President, Vladimir Putin, and his American counterpart, Barrack Obama, Putin hacked into Obama’s Facebook account this morning and posted several sexually explicit nude pictures of NSA whistle-blower, Edward Snowden on it.
“This is retaliation on Putin’s part for me freezing him out of his Netflix account Monday,” a clearly offended President Obama said earlier. “I warned him I was going to kill his Netflix account if Russia used its military in the Ukraine over this Crimea bullshit, and he used it any way. I know exactly what he’s up to too, the Commie bastard. He’s sucked Crimea up into Russia as if it were merely a tiny piece of some Soviet Union puzzle he’s trying to reconstruct. I knew he’d be pissed about losing Netflix, but I never thought he was so twisted as to do something like this. Hacking into my Facebook account and posting pictures of Edward Snowden nude, in explicit sexual situations with light posts, mail boxes, owls, and lawn mowers is just not something the President of the United States will tolerate or easily forgive. My wife and my daughters saw that sick filth!
President Putin needs to be aware of one thing right now: He really fucked himself by doing this. I don’t know how in the name of God he got Snowden to do what he was doing so gleefully in those pictures, but I’m personally going to make him pay dearly for posting them on my Facebook page for my family, and the nation, to see.
Beginning tonight, and continuing every night for six months, my personalized, stealth drone, ‘Obama’s ‘Lil Bomber,’ will be making a trip to drop hundreds of pounds of raw sewage onto the front lawn of whatever abode Putin happens to be staying in that night. If he stays in a hotel, the sewage will be dropped there. Also, if he decides to leave Russia and visit, say, Buckingham Palace and spends the night there, the sewage will be dropped on Buckingham Palace’s front lawn. There will be no escape for him from this. Hopefully he’ll learn from this and not do anything like this to me ever again. It was really, really mean.”