Products I Invented That No One Bought

Here are a few cool products I invented that I thought would make me rich, but for some odd reason, no one bought them.

1.)

The Wormhole Cleaner. Are you tired of wandering through dust encrusted wormholes every time you decide to open one and visit your alien friends on the other side of the galaxy? Then the Wormhole Cleaner is the thing for you. Just place it in front of you on your next trip through a wormhole, and every bit of filthy, germ carrying dust in it will safely be sucked up into the device.

The Wormhole Cleaner.    Are you tired of wandering through dust encrusted wormholes every time you decide to open one and visit your alien friends on the other side of the galaxy?  Then the Wormhole Cleaner is the thing for you.  Just place it in front of you on your next trip through a wormhole, and every bit of filthy, germ ridden dust in it will safely be sucked up into the device to be disposed of later.

 

2.)

Grain Alcohol Flavored Bubble Gum. If you love the mouth burning feeling you get when drowning your troubles away with grain alcohol, you'll love this gum. It has all of the taste and burn of grain alcohol with none of the buzz and the flavor lasts for hours.

Grain Alcohol Flavored Bubble Gum.   If you love the mouth burning feeling you get when drowning your troubles away with grain alcohol, you’ll love this delicious new bubble gum.  It has all of the taste and burn of grain alcohol with none of the annoying buzz.  The flavor lasts for hours too.

 

3.)

 Anti-restraining Order Spray. If you're like me, and have multiple restraining orders against you filed by beautiful women everywhere, then this spray is for you. Just one spray of it, and even the most harassed lady will forget she has a restraining order filed against you. Hell, if you're lucky, she'll completely forget who you are so your stalking and repeated phone calls and freely start all over again.

Anti-restraining Order Spray.   If you’re like me, and have multiple restraining orders filed against you by a slew of beautiful women, then this spray is for you.  Just one spray of it, and even the most harassed lady will forget she has a restraining order filed against you.  Two sprays, and she’ll completely forget who you are so your stalking and repeated phone calls can freely start all over again.

 

4.)

The Weather Balloon Baby Sitter. Just place your baby in the sealed crib, fill the balloon with helium, and set it adrift. Your baby enjoys hours of fun time drifting through Earth's upper atmosphere whilst you and your significant other whoopie down below in peace and quite. If the automatic return switch on the device works, your baby should be returned to you, unharmed, 3 or 4 hours later.

The Weather Balloon Baby Sitter.  Just place your baby in the sealed crib, fill the balloon with helium, and set it adrift.  Your baby enjoys hours of fun time drifting through Earth’s upper atmosphere whilst you and your significant other make wild, crazy love down below in peace and quite.  And, if the automatic return switch on the device works, your baby should return to you, unharmed, in 3 to 4 hours, completely relaxed and ready for a bottle.

 

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Some Of My Crazy Inventions

I’ve invented many wonderful gadgets over the years in my never-ending quest to force the Nobel Prize Committee to give me my hard-earned Nobel Prize.  Here are a few of  them along with their suggested retail prices.  Each is available for purchase in The Arm Chair Pontificator online store should you wish to buy them.

1.)

TACP Self-Cleaning Dog. This adorable pet comes with a built in cleaning system so you never have to bath him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse off, and dry off right in front of you without you ever having to get your hands wet. These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.

TACP Self-Cleaning Dog.  This adorable pet comes with a built-in cleaning system so you never have to bathe him. Just sprinkle a little water on him, stand back, and watch your pet foam up, rinse, then dry off right in front of you without ever having to get your hands wet.  These make GREAT Christmas gifts and cost only $76.89. Buy now while supplies last.

 

2.)

TACP Worm Hole Sealer. I invented this baby after I used my particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy. Half my apartment got sucked into the thing before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a similar problem in your home or apartment, buy one of these for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You'll be glad you did.

TACP Worm Hole Sealer.  I invented this after I used a particle accelerator to open a worm hole to the Andromeda Galaxy in my apartment one morning. It sucked half my things up into it before I created this super magnetized zipper to seal it shut. If you have a worm hole in your home or apartment, buy one of these puppies for $34.75 and seal it shut for good. You’ll be glad you did.

 

3.)

TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. This little item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they've been killed. You see, I'm a pacifist and believe all life is special even the life of flies and bees. Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the insects they just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter. They're only $23.56, so buy one now.

TACP Reverse Fly Swatter.  This item actually brings swatted flies and bees BACK to life after they’ve been killed. You see, I’m a pacifist and believe all life is special, even the life of flies and bees. So, I invented this awesome fly swatter that brings them back to life when you wave it over their splattered corpses.  Amaze, and even piss off your friends, as you resurrect the pesky insects they’ve just killed while at the beach or on a picnic with TACP Reverse Fly Swatter.  They’re only $23.56 in our online store.

 

4.)

TACP Stairway To Heaven. I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I'd built a stairway to Heaven and was having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy. Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you've got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude.

TACP Stairway To Heaven.  I invented this one night after a drinking binge just to see if I could do it. Welp, I did. Took me all night, but by morning I’d built a stairway to Heaven and was  having tea with Jesus, John Lennon, and Leonard Nimoy while watching the sun rise.  Of course, Jesus kicked my ass right back down the stairway when he learned I was an atheist, but, if you’ve got $99.99 and would like to buy this from me, you may have better luck than I did with the dude and actually get to stay for breakfast.