Maine Has Vanished

Maine: Whaaaa Haaappeenn To It?

Maine: Whaaaa Haaappeenn To It?

Cocksville, New Hampshire. In stunning and seemingly impossible news, the state of Maine has vanished. “I went out to walk my dog, Piddles, this morning,” said Tammy Jugstein, a long time resident of New Hampshire living near the Maine/New Hampshire border, “and there was a huge, empty hole where Maine used to be. I mean the whole bloody state was just…gone! Piddles just stood there barking at the empty space, and I, well, I about piddled my jeans as I stood there in awe. I could see something like this happening to say, Texas, an evil state filled with Conservative jackass Republicans, but Maine? Who’d Maine ever piss off? Not me, that’s for sure. I hope someone finds out where it went and returns it soon. I wouldn’t want the space it occupied to fill up with the Atlantic ocean and not be available when it is found. Where the hell would it go then? There’s a saying round these parts that goes: ‘Sometimes crazy shit just happens.’ I guess this is what it means. Cause this here is as CRAZY as shit can get!”

We here at The Arm Chair Pontificator will do everything in our power to keep you updated on news of this amazing occurrence as it becomes available to us. We’d also like to express our deepest condolences to those readers with friends and family who were in Maine when it vanished. Losing those close to you must be especially hard with the Holidays just around the corner. They, and you, are in our thoughts.

Tea Party To Offer An Online Bigotry Course

Take Our Online Bigotry Course & Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

Take Our Online Bigotry Course. Be The Best Bigot You Can Be!

(The following advertisement was paid for by the Republican Committee to impeach President Obama for his devout Muslim and atheist beliefs.)

Are you a white liberal who’s grown tired of the same old leftist agenda day in and day out? Have you accepted Jesus as your lord and savior and now have a deep disdain for gays and women who believe they actually have a right to their own bodies? Do you feel it is your god given right to shoot any black, teenage hoodie wearer who takes more than 30 seconds to pass through your neighborhood? If you answered yes to any of these questions, the new Tea Party online bigotry course is just the thing for you. With the online Tea Party bigotry course, you will learn how to conceal your true disdain for minorities, gays, atheists, and evolutionary biologists behind a veneer of fancy suits, big cars, religious gibberish, and large, fake smiles. We will also teach you how to hire illegal Hispanic laborers for only a quarter a day while, at the same time, publicly feign outrage at the porous nature of our Southern most borders.

Sign up now for the Tea Party online bigotry course and receive a free copy of Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ” along with two free “Jesus Hates Fags, Jews, and Liberals” T-Shirts. Become the bigot you’ve always wanted to be. Go to TeaPartyAin’t4Fags.com to sign up today. You’ll be glad you did. And so will your mother.

 

Shocking Study Reveals Tea Party Members Have No Genitalia

Tea Party Members Have No Genitalia

Tea Party Members Lack Genitalia

In shocking news today, The University of Chicago’s School of Really Neat But Useless Shit released findings on a 3 year study to determine if and how the genitals of Tea Party members differed from those of normal, less wealthy, not-as-white, human beings. “UNFUCKIN’ BELIEVABLE!!” said Useless Shit Professor, Veronica Easypie, this morning. “I’ve been involved with this study from the very beginning, and I was expecting some really fucked up results to come from it, but this? I mean, these tight-ass, rich, mostly white, douche bags have NO EXTERNAL REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS! No wonder they’re so hung up on who’s sleeping with who and who’s outy belongs with who’s inny. They can’t FUCK!! Can you imagine the pent-up hostility they must have toward normal people?! I myself do not believe in a divine being or a god, but if one does exists, it sure as hell fucked these bastards over big time. I still hate the self-righteous shit-bags, but at least now I get why they are such dicks to the rest of us. Wow.”

Christian Drone Bombs Atheist Mega Church

Crucifix-Shaped Christian War Drone

Crucifix-Shaped Christian War Drone

Valparaiso, Indiana. A Christian drone, shaped like a giant crucifix, bombed an atheist mega church today killing 26 atheists and severely wounding several dozen more. “I was giving a cute young gal my recipe for Christian infant tartare,” said survivor, Ted Poisonwell, “when all of a sudden a huge-ass crucifix came flying out of the sky and dropped a friggin’ bomb on us. Debris, blood, and smoke were everywhere, and people were screaming in pain. What kind of sick religion says it’s all about loving thy neighbor and then does something like this? Fucking Christians. This means WAR!!” The Christian terrorist group, “Conservative White Boys For Jesus” has taken claim for the attack, though no official statement has yet been released. TACP will keep you abreast of any updates to this story as they become known to us.

Slippery Slope: Best Argument Yet For Allowing Gay Marriage

Gay marriage opponents often point out that legalizing gay marriage would create a slippery slope which more acts of depravity would soon slide down. “Why not just allow people to marry and fuck animals then?” they argue. “If two men can marry, why then not 4 women, 4 men, a donkey, 3 black mambas and a fruit bat as well?” To these opponents of gay marriage I say, “Hell yes, bitches! Hell fuckin’ YES!!! Bring on the animal sex! So what?! Make gay marriage the law now!” What red-blooded American man out there hasn’t looked at the ass of a sheep and thought, “Man, I bet sticking my man-sausage into that piece of heaven would be divine?”

Whadda Ya Waitin' Fer Big Fella, Hop On Fer A Ride!

Whadda Ya Waitin’ Fer Big Fella, Hop On Fer A Ride!

And I’m bettin’ a lot of you animal fuckers out there would swoon at the chance to legally wed the sheep or zebra you swap body fluids with every night. Finally, you’d be able to share medical and dental insurance with the animal you most love.  So let the gays marry, and let the depravity slide on down. Meow!

An Interview With The Earth

I'm A Planet, Damn It!

I’m A Planet, Damn It!

I bumped into the Earth coming out of a McDonald’s restroom the other day and asked it if it would let me interview it for my site while we ate. Well, lucky for you, it agreed. So without further ado, TACP presents the first ever interview with the Earth.

ACP: “Well, I must say, Earth, I’m very grateful you decided to talk to me today. I’m honored. Oh, BTW, if you’re not going to eat all of your fries, can I have them? McDonald’s has the best fries.”

Earth: “Sure. Go ahead. I’m watching my figure anyway. Now, what would you like to know about me?”

ACP: “First off, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on global warming. Are humans responsible for it, and how does it make you feel?”

Earth: “I don’t care about it.”

ACP: “What? You don’t care about it? But if the globe is warming, aren’t YOU warming? Doesn’t it make you sick if the climate gets too warm?”

Earth: “No.”

ACP: “No. That’s all you have to say? I mean conservatives and liberals are battling like flies over the last piece of shit on the planet over this issue and you don’t care about it at all? It doesn’t affect you at all?”

Earth: “No. It doesn’t affect me at all. I’m a planet, like Jupiter and Venus are planets. Nothing you fuck heads do will change that or hurt my self-esteem. I’m a fucking planet. I was a planet long before you idiots ever existed and I’ll be one long after you’re gone. I do not need liquid water to exist. Nor do I need a liquid iron core, a magnetic field, ozone, oxygen, plants, animals, or stupid-ass fucking humans. I do NOT need ANY of that shit to exist as who and what I am: a planet. You shit-heads may need some of those things, but not me. So to answer your question, no, I do not give a tiny squirt of elephant piss about global warming, global cooling, or global anything. I’m a fucking PLANET, asshole! Why would you think I’d give a fuck about what humans need anyway? Why? If there’s something I have that you need, then you need to make sure you have it. I fucking do not care about you, your offspring, or your species. No one cares about you, you narcissistic fucks. So if you’re not going to take care of yourselves and what you need to survive, you’ll all die. And nothing else in the whole of existence will care, especially not a fucking bad-ass planet like me. Get it? Now if you’ll excuse me, Mars and I have a date. Adios amigo!”

ACP: “Well, goodbye, Earth. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled you did.”

The End

Evolution Is True, Says Christian Professor

“But only in the sense that monotheism evolved to rise highly above polytheism on the scale of Infallible Correctness created by and for Christians,” said Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell, an expert on Christian and Creationist circular rhetoric.

Creationist Professor, Don Asa'Dorbell

Christian Professor, Don Asa’Dorbell

“Because I am a Christian, and my ‘Faith’ tells me The Bible is 100% true, I am in the perfect position to cast judgement on other people and their beliefs. For example, there are certain groups of people today who are so ignorant, so undeniably dumb, that they STILL practice polytheism even though that belief is clearly an evil one, placed in the world by Satan to lead people into Hell. Hindus are one such group of fools not to embrace the reality their flesh will be repeatedly burned from their bones for all eternity if they do not accept Jesus as the only god who exists. It is a fact of Creationist Science, the ONLY science that matters since it has EVERY answer to EVERY question one could ever ask, that polytheism is a primitive, primordial system of belief. It was surpassed by monotheism, ages ago, as the ONLY correct and intelligent way to view the unseen and completely unprovable, existence of the creator of all things: God/Jesus. Every other ‘god’ that has ever been worshiped or thought to be true is but a fiction: a character created by Satan to lure sinners into Hell.

Ganesh: A Totally Made Up Deity

Ganesh: A Deity Made Up By Satan

Jesus, by rising from the dead, proved to the world he is the only God that exists. The Bible says this. The Bible is infallible. My ‘Faith’ tells me this is true, and EVERYONE knows how great a thing ‘Faith’ is and how the deference it receives is justly deserved. Thus, I know for a scientific fact, because I saw it in a ‘Faith’ inspired dream, that Jesus will soon go door to door, if need be, to personally kill, and send to Hell, every person holding a polytheistic belief or thought, no matter how faint it may be.

Jesus: The Door to Door Killer Of Polytheism

Jesus: Door to Door Killer Of Polytheists

As for those who consider themselves to be monotheists, but worship a fictitious god, such as Muslims and Jews, Jesus will let them live out their natural lives but send them straight to Hell the moment they die. And as for those devil-spawned, evil fools, the a-theists, Jesus’ hatred for them knows no bounds. Thus, he will send them straight to Hell, while yet alive, to let its fires burn them, first to death, and then for all eternity. Their black, faithless, evil souls clearly deserve this for their arrogant disbelief in the obvious existence of Jesus and His Love for us all. So if you are a polytheist, a monotheist worshiping a fictitious character, or, worse of all, an abominable a-theist, repent for your sins NOW and accept Jesus as your All-loving God or suffer his hatred for you and burn forever in Hell. Your choice.