Cloud City, Bespin. In frank and honest news this morning, former U.S. Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney announced that he personally tortured dozens of Muslims held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba because it was fun.
“Your goddamn right it was fun,” Cheney said today. “I got a stiffy every time I made another human being scream in pain and beg me for mercy. And why shouldn’t I have, goddamnit! Do you not remember 9/11? Americans were attacked that day. We hurt. We bled. We lost loved ones and cried. Well, what’s wrong with us getting revenge by torturing the living shit outta some of those who may or may not have known someone who may or may not have been somehow, perhaps, involved in the 9/11 attacks? They were fuckin’ Muslims for Christ’s sake! Who the fuck cares if we tortured ’em? Certainly not the CIA agents who also got stiffies from making other humans scream and beg for mercy. Fuck, they loved doing it as much as I did. Man, you haven’t lived until you’ve stuck a tube up some dark-skinned Muslim’s ass to “feed” him. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, man, if I shut my eyes, I can hear the screaming as if it were happening right now. Funny as fuck, I tell ya. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I crack myself up.
If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I love torturing people so much, I’ve been helping a few conservative Republicans I know torture liberal, pansy-ass Democrats for years now. It isn’t exactly legal, not yet anyway, but it soon will be. You see, my home boys have total control of the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court, and in 2016, we’ll have control of the White House, too. I can guaran-fuckin’-tee you of that. Cause the liberals are too weak to stop us, and even if they weren’t, we’d just keep torturing ’em until they were. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Christ Almighty, do I ever crack my shit up!”