Great news today for all the morally depraved a-theists and non-Christians out there who enjoy eating human flesh, especially on Christian holidays. A spokesman for CERN, Dr. Pert Ecal Axcelurater, announced that the Higgs boson is, as was believed, a cannibal. “The reason the little bastards come and then go so quickly is they are ferocious cannibals, continually on the hunt for each other. The minute one pops up, it’s eaten by another which is then eaten by another, etc, etc, etc. None get to stick around and take a breath, even. The good thing about this for a-theists and those who do not believe in Jesus, is it confirms there are no morals at any level of existence. I personally got a stiffy when I found this out because I’m an a-theist and I’ve no idea what the word “morality” even means. I tell you, I’ve done some shit that’s made even the staunchest Jesus deniers cringe. My lawyer advised my NOT to say anymore than that, but believe me, I’m very happy about this news. CERN is on the job folks. We predict that by the year 2030, the world will be a disorganized, murderous hive of scum and villainy. Rape, cannibalism, murder, and torture will be everyday norms, and all because a sense of right and wrong vanishes as faith in Jesus does. Awesome. Don’t know ’bout you all, but I’m having fried Evangelical Christian baby steak for dinner tonight. And, just for the fun of it, I’m going to toss a few kittens and puppies into the particle accelerator and run it full blast. I’m curious to see what happens.”
While seeking the experience of traveling at the speed of light, a CERN scientist became trapped inside a particle accelerator for 12 hours because he forgot he wouldn’t be able to turn it off once he was flying through it at light speed. A janitor noticed the device was running while mopping, and turned it off. The accelerated scientist emerged from it as a tiny monkey who immediately peed all over the janitor’s freshly mopped floor.