Study Reveals Most Americans Believe British Talk “Funny”

Harvard Janitor, Harry Sfinktor

Harvard Janitor, Harry Sfinktor

A new study conducted by Harvard janitor, Harry Sfinktor was released today and reveals 98% of Americans believe British people talk “funny.”  “Well don’t they?” Mr. Sfinktor said today on Fox News. “Just listen to ’em, why don’t ya?! It’s like they’re trying to speak the same language we Americans do, but only with their mouths partially closed and their tongues anesthetized. It ain’t right, goddamnit! I tellz ya, it just ain’t right! I sure as hell don’t want my kids listening to them banter on like that. It’s terrifying. That’s what it is. Terrifying. Somethin’ is definitely wrong with those people. We Americans gave them a perfectly decent language, and they went and fucked it all to hell. That’s exactly what they did, it is! Well, I say, to hell with them! Over here in America, we’re Americans, and we speak our language the way it’s suppose to be spoken: the AMERICAN way. British people need to take a good long look at the study I conducted and start talkin’ correctly. ‘Cause if they don’t, we’ll take our language back from ’em, and they’ll have to find another one to fuck up all on their own.  Damn! Look at the time! I gotta run. Downton Abbey‘s on, and I’d hate to miss it.”