QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”
Dick Clark announced today from Heaven that all twelve of Jesus’ Apostles will be reuniting as a boy band sensation called,”Ten Plus Two Gives You Twelve, Baby, Baby.” Clark will manage the group and handle the difficult job of promoting the twelve, two thousand-year old men as “boys” to a target audience consisting entirely of adolescent girls.
“Yeah,” said Mr. Clark, “this isn’t going to be easy. Some of these fellas have been wearing the same clothes since the second century and haven’t shaved or showered since before that. But I’ve got eternity on my hands with not much to do, so I’m going to make this happen one way or another. On the plus side, however, is the fact these boys can REALLY SING! I mean it bloody brings tears to my eyes every time I hear a Justin Bieber tune come out of their mouths.
You’d swear every angel up here in Heaven was singing along with them. Fucking beautiful!” Mr. Clark said he hopes to have the group performing at Jewish and Lutheran sock hops as early as next month and at Catholic and Pagan dances by the first of July.