Meet Bigfoot’s Elusive Cousin, Bigbutt

The Only Photo Of Big Butt Known To Exist

The Only Photo Of Bigbutt Known To Exist

Sphincterville, Wisconsin.    Undoubtedly, if you are a true-blooded, God-fearing American, you’ve heard of, and most likely believe in, a creature known as Bigfoot.  Well, what you most likely do not know, is that Bigfoot is not alone in the woods of America.  He has a lesser known, though no less elusive, cousin known only as Bigbutt.   Bigbutt was first sighted and photographed about 2 hours ago by a drunken hunter named John “Sharp-Nipples” McGinn whilst he was peeing in the woods near his cabin in Fish Creek, Wisconsin.   “Ah wen’ out ta take me a huge pee, when alluva a sudden, a huge, hair covered butt come a walkin’ at me from outta da trees,” Mr. McGinn told reporters an hour ago.  “Da dang thing had ta be a’ least 4 foot across ‘n 3 foot high.  I took out ma phone ‘n I snapped da picture of it y’all see here.  The dang thing smelled kinda like a day old burrito dat was left out in da hot sun o’ August.   I screamed like a young gal who juz got ‘er first un-asked-fer kissed when I sawed it.  Dat made it shake itself until both its cheeks butt-slammed tagether makin’ a thunder-like sound dat rocked da trees aroun’ it so hard dey all ex-foliated a’ once.  Den it kinda made a fartin’ soun’ and it wabbled off inta ta woods, leavin’ behin’ it da foul smell I talked ’bout be’fer.  Lucky fer you all I gots dis picture of it.  I knows no one’d believe me utterwise.  It was a terrifyin’ experience.  Blessed be Jeebus fer seein’ to it dat I did survive dis encounter wit da monster known now ‘n ferever more as, Bigbutt.”

Bigbutt Witness And Photographer,

Bigbutt Witness And Photographer, John “Sharp-Nipples” McGinn Takes A Shot Of Vodka In Honor Of The Beast

Bigfoot Real, Has Tiny Feet

Bigfoot Making His Way To The David Letterman Show On His Tiny-Ass Feet

Bigfoot Struggling To Walk On His Tiny Feet

“Yep,” said Bigfoot to David Letterman last night, “I would’ve come out and let people know about my existence much sooner had it not been for the intense shame I feel at the diminutive size of my feet. I often leave really big foot prints because I have to strap huge boots filled with rocks to my feet or I’ll fall over like a cut tree every time a stiff wind blows. I’m ten feet tall for Christ sake. That’s a long way down. Life for me, before I started wearing the rock-filled boots, was an ungodly hell. Words can not truly describe it. Forget about dating, man. I mean once a babe took one look at my tiny feet, she logically assumed the rest of me was tiny too (it isn’t, BTW). And even if a babe did by some chance agree to go out with me, she almost always had to help my sorry ass get up off the ground cause some fucking wind would always blow and knock me down. Not a way to impress the ladies, I’m telling you.

Once I put on the rock-filled boots, however, and got given the name ‘Bigfoot’, babes were knockin’ at my door to go out with me. Thus, I decided to live a lie and not reveal myself to the world, and for three centuries, this has been my life. Rock-filled boots and babes. But I can’t do it anymore. The pressure is too great. I live in continual fear of being outed as the tiny-footed beast-man I really am. So it’s over. I hope the world can forgive me and can accept that there never was a Bigfoot, only a ten foot tall hairy beast-man with size two feet who wore some heavy, rock-filled boots in order to not fall down.”

Big Foot Kills Hunters Hunting Him, Will Tour Soon With Bodies

Big Foot released a statement today that he has shot and killed,”2 redneck som’bitchin’ hillbillies”, whom he claims have been trying to kill him for years.

Did Big Foot Kill These 2 Big Foot Hunters?

Did Big Foot Kill These 2 Big Foot Hunters?

“I finally got those som’bitches,” Mr. Foot told Fox News earlier today. “I saved up my pennies and dimes and bought me a double barrel shot-gun. I sawed off the first 8” of the barrels, and waited for those hillbilly bastards to leave their tent to hunt me. Then I blew their fuckin’ faces off. Dumb hillbilly bastards. I’m going to tour with the bodies in a few months once I kill me a few more people to put on display along with ’em. I’m thinking, maybe, some terrorists or somethin’. Those’ll look mighty nice next to these 2 dumb bastards’ corpses, I reckon.

Big Foot Posing With Weapons

Big Foot Posing With Weapons

I got me a pal in Omaha who’s a kick-ass taxidermist. I’ll have him stuff my kills in action poses for the tour, you know, ta make my narration of events seem cooler ‘n shit. Anyways, keep yer eyes open for the tour. I think I’ll call it, ‘Big Foot’s Tour With The Bodies Of The Dumb-Ass Hillbillies Who Tried To Kill Him, Minus Their Faces ‘Cause They’s Been Blowed Off.’ Wadda ya all think?”  Stay tuned to Fox for more on this story as it breaks.

Cryptid Rights Activist Outraged Over Inhumane Treatment Of Cryptids

Cryptozoologist, Dr. Benny A. Fairyman, of the Chicago Park District’s Cryptid Awareness Committee, appeared this morning on Fox News claiming Cryptids are treated worse than any minority group in world history and no one even cares. “Oh, the HUMANITY!” Dr. Fairyman said to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly.

Megyn Kelly Reports On Cryptid Bigotry

Megyn Kelly Reporting On Bigotry Toward Cryptids

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

Bigfoot Child Hiding In Trees For Fear Human Kids Will Tease Him

“When I think, Megyn, of all the poor Big Foot children who had to hide behind trees in parks this Christmas for fear of being seen and told they weren’t real by the human children out playing with the new skates and sleighs Santa just brought them, it makes me just want to pee myself with rage! And imagine what it’s like to be a mermaid at this time of year, will you?  Sitting on rocks, out in the middle of the water, boobies all hanging out and frost-bitten, and your only solace is the dolphin that swims by every hour or two trying to mate with you. The thought of it just DRIVES ME INSANE!!!  And it isn’t like you can just hop on board an inbound ship claiming your canoe got flipped over either. You’re a damn mermaid! Half your god damn body is a fish tail! You’ll stand out! Get mocked! Killed and eaten maybe, even! No, if you’re a mermaid in winter, your life is a freezing cold hell of frost-bitten tits, dolphin dick and envying the humans you see because they have bras and central heating to warm them all winter.

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

Mermaid With Frost Bitten Boobies

It’s another holocaust, Megyn! All that’s missing is the German language and the swastika arm bands. It’s time this horrific treatment of Cryptids ends. I’m advocating that Cryptids be granted total U.S. citizenship starting today, New Years Day, 2014. This means Cryptids can vote in all elections, run for political office, sign up for the military, and serve as jurors in our court system. The only way to bring light to how poorly these rarely seen, horribly photographed creatures are being treated, in my opinion, is this way. I’m off to Washington right now to strip naked and stand a top the Lincoln Memorial until President Obama gives in to my request to stop this sickening bigotry NOW! So wish me luck Megyn, thousands of Cryptids are depending on me.”


Bigfoot Researchers Claim Chewbacca Mask & Furry Rug Are Proof Bigfoot Is Real

Chewbacca Mask, Bigfoot, Or Total Bullshit?

Chewbacca Mask, Bigfoot, Or Total Bullshit?

Recently a group called, “The Sasquatch Genome Project,” released a blurry HD video showing someone in a Chewbacca mask walking in the woods, and what looks like a large furry rug spread under a bush. The group says these images are of a male and a female Bigfoot, and that they, along with some fuzzy shit they claim contains Bigfoot DNA, are proof Bigfoot is real.  Here’s the video:   It’s “evidence” like this that shows cryptozoology for the insult to reason and intelligence it is.   I find it utterly amazing, that with today’s technology, where one can take a high-resolution, detailed picture of a flea from 50 yards away, that absolutely no one has EVER captured a single clear image of a Bigfoot that even remotely looks real.   And I must assume that “The Sasquatch Genome Project” researchers were so confident no one would doubt the furry rug seen in their film was a sleeping female Bigfoot, they decided waking it and filming it while it awoke and stood would be, what, over-kill?

Every fucking time a story like this pops up in “legitimate” news reports , I eagerly hope it IS real.  If a giant hairy, bi-pedal ape-like species or a group of feral Conservative Christian tree dwellers ever were to be discovered,  I’d be thrilled as shit to learn about it.  But silly nonsense like this is insulting to my intelligence.  9 foot tall, fur covered, man-apes are not hiding in the North American woods, or any other woods for that matter.  Cryptozoologists need to cut this shit out.  It is VERY ANNOYING!