5 Spiffy Arguments That You Can Use To Blow People’s Minds

Wanna bend people’s minds and blow ’em through the stratosphere like a true, blue young earth creationist?  Just use one or two of these well-argued arguments and you’ll be the envy of everyone who knows you.

1.)  If someone tells you the earth is older than 6000 years and wasn’t created by God, ask them this:   “Well, how do you know?  Where you there 6000 years ago when God created it?”  Ha!  that one’s a mic dropper, ain’t it.

2.)  Tell someone Julius Caesar never lived and is a fictional character.  If they disagree with you, say this:  “How would you know?  Were you there when he lived?”  Awesome, right!  You should see the looks I get from people when I drop this logic bomb on them!

3.)  Tell people you are being abducted by grey-skinned aliens every night, having coffee with them, and, sometimes, having sex with them.   If they question this assertion, tell them this: “Look, since you’re not there when this happens to me, and these aliens, for some reason, won’t appear to anyone BUT me, you can’t say it isn’t happening.   Until you can prove to me that it isn’t happening, it is.”  BAM!!!   YUGE win for the home team!

3.)  If someone tells you that climate change is real and 99% of earth’s scientists believe this, drop this winner on them: “Oh, really?  Since it can’t be ABSOLUTELY proven, with 100% certainty, that this is true, it isn’t, so you lose, you fuckin’ libtard!”   This one is SUCH a wonderful argument, I’m often punched in face right after I tell it to someone.  Libtards are SO sensitive when they’re proven wrong, aren’t they.

4.)  Here’s a great statement to say to people at kids’ birthday parties:  “All women who claim they’ve been sexually assaulted, and don’t have video and/or DNA evidence to prove it, are liars.”   If people attempt to question this or act offended that you said it, tell ’em this:  “Look, sissy, were you there when every woman who says she was sexually assaulted was?  If you weren’t then shut up with your stupid questions and go home!”  Man, this one is SO solid, I often pee a little after I say it!

5.)  Finally, here’s a great argument to prove whatever it is you believe to be true is.  “Since we don’t know everything about everything, then we must believe anything MIGHT be true.  Thus, what I’m saying is true no matter how much you don’t believe it or how extremely unlikely you say it is!”   This argument has ended more conversations for me than I can number.  Use it, and you’ll see why.

Peace out, and remember, since all opinions are equal, yours are some of the most brilliant that have ever been held in mankind’s history.

 

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10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not

1.)  We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space.

2.)  If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your apartment and you don’t immediately see anyone around who could have slammed it, it MUST have been a ghost.

3.)  If a tornado kills hundreds of people during a terrible storm, it MUST have been because God hates gays.

4.)  When your favorite team wins the Super Bowl, it MUST be because God loves them more than the other team.

5.)  God IS the creator of the multiverse because no one can prove she’s not.

6.)  Aliens are, nightly, abducting people into their ships and fondling their genitals. And one can prove they’re not.

7.)  There is no God but Allah, and no one can definitively prove otherwise.

8.)  Jesus is God, the only god, and part of a trilogy of gods who are, in fact, only one god, even though there are three of them, and there’s not a single person alive who can prove with 100% certainty that this is not true.

9.)  It is a fact that there are hundreds, or perhaps even thousands of gods, as the Hindus believe, and not even Steven Hawking, with Einstein’s help, could have shown, without ANY doubt whatsoever, that this is NOT absolutely true.

10.)  Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama are running a very secret, no one knows about it, not really, child prostitution ring out of a pizza parlor with the help of the CIA, the FBI, the NAACP, and the ACLU, and there’s no one, no group, and no organization that can ABSOLUTELY show that this very secret, almost unknown activity, is in fact, NOT really happening.