Famous Marriage Proposals From History

Here are some famous marriage proposals from history that are as absolutely true now as they were the minute I made ’em up.

1.)  The Holy Spirit to Mary

"Mary, I know you're only 12 and a virgin, but I was sent here by myself in the guise of a dove to impregnate you with myself so that I can be born as my own son and then be tortured to death so that I can forgive humanity for Adam and Eve eating an apple. Hope this all doesn't freak you out cause it's happening whether you want it to or not. OK?"

“Mary, I know you’re only 12 and a virgin, but I was sent here by myself in the guise of a dove to marry you and impregnate you with myself so that I can be born as my own son and then be tortured to death so that I can forgive humanity for Adam and Eve eating an apple. Hope this all doesn’t freak you out cause it’s happening whether you want it to or not. OK?”

 

2.) George Washington to Martha

"Martha, you're an absolute, super hot, bitchin' babe. Will you marry me so we can make the beast with two backs on a regular, nightly basis?"

“Martha, you’re an absolute, super hot, bitchin’ babe. Will you marry me so we can make the beast with two backs on a regular, nightly basis?”

 

3.) King Kong to Fay Wray

"Fay, I know there will be...well...difficulties in regards to our...physical relationship, BUT, in spite of that, will you marry me?"

“Fay, I know there will be…well…difficulties in regards to our…physical relationship, BUT, in spite of that, will you marry me?”

 

4.) Anne Boleyn to Henry the Eighth

"Henry, please, do WHATEVER you have to do to divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry me. It will be GREAT for you, and, I just KNOW, deep down inside, that it will be the best, greatest thing that could ever, ever happen to me. I just KNOW my future with you will be safe, comfy, and secure."

“Henry, please, do WHATEVER you have to do to divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry me. It will be GREAT for you, and, I just KNOW, deep down inside, that it will be the best, greatest thing that could ever, ever happen to me. I just KNOW my future with you will be safe, comfy, and secure once we’re wed.”

Famous Historical Cock Suckers

Vacuum Lips City, California.  We’ve all done it. You know, called someone a cock sucker regardless of whether or not we knew they actually were one. Well, I’ve discovered, through intensive meditation and shameless alcohol consumption, that humans have been referring to one another as cock suckers for thousands of years now. It is an inarguable fact, to those who chose to believe it is, that many famous and infamous people, all throughout history, were regularly referred to as cock suckers by those closest to them. A few are listed below for your intellectual perusal.

Who Doesn't Know This Gesture?

Who Doesn’t Know This Gesture?

Famous Historical Cock Suckers

1.) Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses the Second.   Ramses was first called a cock sucker while in High School by his Junior year French teacher, a smokin’ hot Hebrew babe named, Sasha Vaginastein. The two were rumored to be lovers and Ms. Vaginastein almost exclusively referred to Ramses as her “little cock sucker” when speaking about him. “My little cock sucker’s gonna be Pharaoh one day, so don’t fuck with me,” she’d often say to those who had offended her in some way. Ironically, Ms. Vaginastein was caught sucking the cock of a palace guard shortly after Ramses became Pharaoh. He had her buried alive with the guard’s severed cock sewn into her mouth. Ouch.

Little Cock Sucker

Little Cock Sucker

2.) Judas Iscariot.   There’s not much to say about Judas, other than the fact he is the first scientifically confirmed person in history exclusively referred to as a cock sucker in a derogatory fashion. “That cock sucker always over cooks my matzo balls,” Peter was once heard saying in reference to him. As well, Luke’s voice could often be heard bellowing out commands to him like these: “Clean my feet, cock sucker,” and, “Suck my cock, cock sucker.” Biblical scholars have recently confirmed this was the reason Judas betrayed Jesus. Can’t really say I blame the cock sucker, though. Can you?

Now We Know Why

Now We Know Why

3.) Anne Boleyn.  “You’ll really like Anne, she’s a cock sucker.” These were the words Anne’s own father used when he first described her to Henry the 8th. “I LOVE cock suckers,” was Henry’s reply, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Anne's Talent Couldn't Save Her From This

Anne’s Talent Couldn’t Save Her From This