Tag Archives: aliens

01.22.16
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Tiny Alien Attempts Invasion Of Nevada Desert

Alien, Half An Inch Tall, Invades Desert Near Las Vegas

Alien, Half An Inch Tall, Invades Desert Near Las Vegas, Nevada

 

Sally’s Bunny Hatchery, Nevada.   A half-inch tall space alien was photographed today as it attempted an invasion of a desert near Las Vegas, Nevada.   Eyewitness/Photographer, Chrissy Titebottom, had this to say of the event.  “I was taking a pee behind a big rock in the desert when I saw a tiny flash of light about 3 feet in front of me.  After that, I heard a very, very faint voice saying, ‘Surrender this desert to me, you human scum, or suffer my hideous wrath.’  I squinted my eyes and looked down to see an alien, about half an inch tall, wildly waving its arms at me.  I immediately took my phone out and photographed the little bastard before aiming my urine stream at him and flushing him down a rodent hole that was behind him.  I’m pretty sure I killed him, so there was no need to surrender the desert.”

04.21.15
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Interview With UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly'in

UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in

Fibberland, Massachusetts.  UFO expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in of MIT’s radical genius department, stopped by the ACP offices today whilst I was scratching my butt and asked me if I’d like to interview him for the site. The interview follows below. It has not been altered in any way since its original fabrication.

TACP: Thanks for coming by, Dr. B. Ly’in. Could you please tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your area of expertise?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Did you see that?! Right there! Out your damn window! There was a huge ship with crazy flashing lights all over it floating in the sky. It made a super quick, right angle turn and vanished into space! Did you see it?

TACP: No. I didn’t see anything. What do you think it was?

Dr. B. Ly’in: What the fudge do you THINK it was, numb-nuts?! It was an alien spacecraft from beyond our galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! How bloody stoooopid are you?

TACP: Well, I’m not sure just HOW stupid I am, but I didn’t see anything out the window. How do you know it was an alien spacecraft?

Dr. B. Ly’in: Are you questioning my area of expertise, you som’bitch?! The evidence CLEARLY shows it was a craft from another galaxy piloted by little blue aliens! I’m a SCIENTIST, not a bloody religious nut! I don’t just make shit up off the top of my head when I see something I don’t understand! GOD! People like you piss me off!

TACP: What kind of “people” am I?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You’re a gardarn som’bitchin’ skeptic! That’s what you are. You think it’s easy being a gardarn som’bitchin’ brilliant man of science like I am? You think it’s easy……Say, are those jelly donuts on your desk? Can I have one?

TACP: Sure, if you stop yelling at me and just give my readers a little info on yourself. When did you become a UFO expert, for starters?

Dr. B. Ly’in: When I gave up religion and began using reason as my life’s guide. That’s when. (Gardarn, but this IS a good donut!) Shortly after giving up religion, as I was peeing in an alley, I looked up and saw a bunch of objects with yellow lights on them making crazy, impossible, right angle turns in the sky. Using my non-religious, unparalleled, new-found sense of reason, I deduced that only alien spacecraft, piloted by tiny blue-skinned aliens, could have had made such crazy-ass, right angle turns. The minute I came to that conclusion, I became an expert on UFO’s. I got my position in the MIT genius department shortly thereafter. I teach a class every semester on why UFO’s are real and why belief in them isn’t at all like a religion.

TACP: Fascinating. Do you have any pictures you can show my readers of UFO’s you’ve encountered?

Dr. B. Ly’in: You bet your som’bitchin’, fat, white ass I do. I see these damn things all the time and have taken many pictures of them. I’ve brought two to show your readers. No sane, reasonable human being could ever deny that these are photos of authentic, extraterrestrial spacecraft piloted by little blue aliens. Here they are.

1.)

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Obviously Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

Real, Unaltered, HD Photo Of A Cow Being Abducted By Aliens For Perverse Sexual Purposes

2.)

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens

Deer, Obviously Being Pursued By A UFO Piloted By Little Blue Aliens With Prurient Intentions

Pretty amazing, eh? Ain’t no som’bitch dumb enough not see these are pics of real alien spacecraft doin’ bat-shit crazy things with animals. I gotta run now. I’ve a class to teach on the merits of understanding that belief in space aliens and UFO’s is not in any way at all like belief in a religion. Bye now.

TACP: Yeah. Bye. Wow. That was one amazing dude. I guess, what we can learn from him is that some people have obviously replaced the “god of the gaps theory,” to explain inexplicable phenomena, with an “aliens of the gaps” theory to explain the same phenomena. Either that, or Dr. Lenny be lyin’ about all this UFO stuff.

fini

07.07.14
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Awesome Shit I’ve Done That No One’s Noticed

greatnessHere’s a list of some of the awesome, great shit I’ve done that no one’s noticed. In particular, the Nobel Prize Committee hasn’t noticed these things, at least not publicly, because they are prejudiced against me for my demanding a Nobel Prize from them. They are bastards for this, and I will continue to point out how nasty they are until they either give me my award or kill me. I won’t shut up otherwise. Well, that’s not true. If they gave me like, 7 million Euros, I’d shut up, but until then, I won’t. Here’s the list. I do hope you enjoy being awed by the great shit I’ve done.

1.) I visited Ancient Rome and no one cared. I was told it wasn’t there anymore. Really? I took a picture of it from the airplane I was on that PROVES it’s there!!! Can you spell, C O V E R  U P?

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

Pic Of Ancient Rome From My Cell Phone

2.) I named myself Holy Roman Emperor but got my ass kicked when I charged the Vatican with a rubber sword demanding the Pope recognize me as such. Why? Am I not pretty enough? CONSPIRACY!!!!!

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

Me As Holy Roman Emperor

3.) I met the aliens who built the Pyramids and got piss drunk with them one night in Valparaiso, Indiana. I even took pictures, and yet no one believes me. Assholes. They can deny all they want, but I KNOW the truth!!!!!

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

Bob, Ted, And Sally: Pyramid Builders

4.) I discovered the Higgs boson, like 30 years ago, but did anyone believe me? NO! They waited to give credit to other people just to piss me off! Bastards! Fucking bastards!!!!!

I Discovered The Higgs Boson

Higgs Boson Discovered By Me

5.) I’ve become a Sheikh named Pontificatius, the Unshaven, yet Muslims threaten to kill me whenever I demand they blindly follow whatever I say. Bastards!!!

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

Sheikh Pontificatius, The Unshaven

That’s it for now folks. I’ll report later on more of the injustices I’ve suffered, and still suffer, at the hands of the bastards on the Nobel Prize Committee for being the great person I am. They are SOOOOO jealous of me. Imperious Rex!

01.18.14
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Ken Ham Has A Reptilian Space Alien Body Guard

Ken Ham has a new friend. His name is, Jes’oo’z Da Kin’ga, and he is a Reptilian space alien from the planet Ful’O’Sh’at, located about 6000 light years away.

Ken Ham And His Reptilian Space Alien Bodyguard,

Ken Ham And His Reptilian Space Alien Bodyguard, Jes’oo’z Da Kin’ga

He has been working as Ken’s personal body-guard and manicurist since arriving on Earth in answer to Ken’s prayers for a Reptilian space alien bodyguard to keep him safe from a-theist cannibals and PZ Myers who, he’s convinced, is trying to drive him insane. “Oh, there’s no doubt about it,” said Mr. Ham. “PZ often stands in front of my house for hours at a time, smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes and masturbating to gay porn magazines. Even more disturbing, however, is that PZ has somehow discovered a way to will himself into the form of a small monkey-like creature which never fails to find a way into my house and my underwear drawer. I always know the nights he’s been here because my underwear are always tossed out onto the floor and a pair or two always seem to be missing.

Real Troll Turns Internet Troll And No Body Into This Monkey

PZ Myers In Monkey-Creature Form

I’m so grateful to have had my prayers answered with the arrival of J’es’oo’z Da Kin’ga here. The minute PZ Myers sees him coming, away goes the gay porn and cigarettes, and he’s off and away in no time at all. Reptilian Aliens also have a great sense of smell when it comes to primates, so PZ’s monkey-creature is hunted down and chased out before a single pair of underwear ever goes missing. The one issue I do have with my Reptilian buddy here is his craving to eat small dogs. 20 of them have gone missing since he got here. I’m trying to find a way to get J’es’oo’z to develop a taste for cannibal a-theists, blacks, Jews, and single mothers as a substitute for my neighbors’ dogs. In time, I’m confident he will, and all will be fine.”

12.23.13
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Phil Robertson Now Claims, “I Didn’t Make Anti-Gay Slurs, My Beard Did!”

“My beard is a gay-hating parasitic alien from a distant planet”, Phil Robertson said today. “And it was the beard, not me who went on the anti-gay tirade you all heard. I should be pitied and comforted, not hated. I’ve had to live with this hairy creature hanging from the bottom of my face and feeding off of me for decades now.

Phil Robertson Before And After The Alien Beard Stuck Itself To His Face

Phil Robertson Before And After The Alien Beard Stuck Itself To His Face

And as bad as that is, the damn thing snores at night. Try sleeping with that, America. The beard hates gays, not me. I love gays. I’m gay myself, but can’t act on it for fear my beard will mock me all day. As it is now, the fucking thing incessantly says the rosary and talks out loud to Jesus, consistently praying he come down from Heaven and kill all the gays, Jews, Blacks, atheists, and Liberal Democrats on the planet. I’ve tried to tell him to be more tolerant of people who are different, because he himself is just a beard, and surely would suffer prejudice if people knew about him. But it just goes in one hair and out the other. Unfortunately, I can’t remove the beard without killing myself because it has latched the roots of each hair into my brain. We sort of need each other now to live. I hope Disney will let me have my job back, and I promise I will do my best to keep my bigoted beard from speaking out in the future. Thank you, and God bless you, America.”