Trump Puts Pence In Charge Of Women’s Reproductive Organs

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It's My Job.

Let Me Feel Your Womb, Honey. It’s My Job.

Man Town, Ohio.  President Trump today signed a Presidential order placing Vice President Mike Pence in charge of the reproductive organs of every woman in America.  “Mikey’s a fuckin’ stud,” Trump said earlier.  “He knows his pussies from his boobies, and his hands are always warm and ready for action.  As well, he’s a loving Christian who understands the nature of female reproduction far more than any gynecologist ever could.  What better doctor for women could there be than a decrepit, white, Christian male who takes The Book Of Genesis literally?  I say none.  Therefor, from this day forward, if Mike Pence says women who’ve had abortions are the spawn of Satan and must die, they will die (Probably by being burned alive.  I’ve not yet made up my mind on it).   Also, any woman who does not send a picture of her vagina and uterus to Vice President Pence immediately for a close examination will be summarily put to death by stoning (I like stoning.  It’s both torture AND an execution method).   America can never be great again as long as women have control of their own sex organs.  So say I, President Donald J. Trump, Putin’s Orange Puppet.”

Trump Says Women Who Have Abortions Need To Be Punished

"I'm here to punish you," says Donald 'The Slime Monster' Trump To Ellen Ripley in the film, 'Slime Monster V Women'.

“I’m here to punish you,” says Donald ‘The Slime Monster’ Trump To Ellen Ripley in the film, ‘Slime Monster V Women’

Just when you think Donald Trump’s blatant misogyny could not get worse, he makes a statement like the one in this link: Pressed on an Abortion Ban, Donald Trump Sees a Penalty for Women

This dude is literally a walking slime ball with big hair that’s been stuffed into a suit.  I sure hope the GOP is proud of their soon to be Presidential candidate.  They’ve spent years growing him in their xenophobic, racist, misogynistic lab.  Good job, guys.  Good job.

I Was A Zionist For The County But Now I’m A Liberal For The State

Me And My Zionist Cannibal Pals, circa 1929

Me And My Zionist Cannibal Pals, circa 1929

I’ve no fucking idea what that means, but I like the sound of it. And for some reason, it seemed to fit this post which is about my opinions. My radical Zionist opinions. Particularly my opinions on 2 topics that 3 different people, entirely independent of each other, told me they had logically flawless answers to in the last 2 days. The logically impenetrable answers that were presented to me were on these hot button topics, “Should abortion remain legal?”, and “Is there a God?” I’ve no interest in debates on these topics with people, so if I’m asked my opinion on them, I generally talk about Thor and The Hulk and who’s stronger, and that kinda tells people I’m not interested in the discussion. But, since it’s New Years Eve, and I’m just sitting here writing all alone, I’ll give my opinion on said topics. And though my meek opinions of flawless perfection can most definitely be argued with, that isn’t what’s going to happen here. For the record: I do not care if you disagree with me or want to state a counterpoint to mine. This is my blog and you’re not doing it here. There are PLENTY of blogs to have debates on about these issues if you want. This isn’t one of them. I’m a Zionist cannibal with the goal of eating everyone who bothers me. So don’t.

No one has flawlessly perfect, logically impenetrable points about these issues which everyone agrees with. All fucking people EVER do is argue about these issues, and many people who do are very, very, intelligent. So no, no point is so flawlessly logical that it can’t be argued against from an opposing side. When there are numerous people, with numerous arguments related to the same topic, claims of absolute and flawless logic in regards to any one argument is not something I take very seriously. Abortion is viewed by most as a black and white issue but, from what life’s taught me, it isn’t. I’m not a woman. I can’t become pregnant. I may LOOK pregnant from the abundance of carbohydrates I consume, but rest assured, I’m not nor can I ever become pregnant. I do still have an opinion on abortion, however, and it follows below.

I do not think the aborting of a fetus from the womb of a pregnant woman is funny, a game, a good choice of birth control, nor to be taken lightly by anyone for any reason. I also think if any of these prior descriptions fit your attitude about abortion, you need serious mental health counseling. I also do not think abortion should be illegal. It is a women’s right to have control of her body. If men had to carry babies and squeeze them out of our bodies, the legalization of abortion would be a non issue. As a matter of fact, I’m quite certain the fucking human species would have died out thousands of years ago if this were the case. As for when a fetus should be considered to be fully “human”, I say at the sperm and egg stage. Treat the death of each sperm cell, especially those wasted through masturbation, as the loss of a human life, and hold the offending masturbators guilty of infanticide for their inability to control themselves, and different tunes sung in different keys will be sung. I am not in any way kidding about this, nor do I mean to make light of the matter. As well, each month, after a woman’s period, a funeral should be held in honor of the half human who ALMOST made it to being a full human. Human sperm cells and egg cells are HUMAN. They are souls waiting for bodies. They are not fish. They are not monkeys. They are HUMAN. And their loss is tragic. Start treating them as such, and the whole abortion issue will be replaced with this one. Again, I am serious about my stance on this. That being said, I want it known that I would defend with my very life, if necessary, a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body.

The Holy Mouth Of Rambling Pontifications

The Holy Mouth Of Rambling Pontifications

Another answer to a question I never asked but was given any way involves the absolute certainty of God’s existence and how it can be proven flawlessly through rhetorical means alone. The undeniable “evidence” for God’s existence given in most of these arguments is that since the universe exists, it had to have been created by God because something can’t come from nothing. Really? Perhaps this is true. Sounds spiffy. Though how this then confirms the existence of the CHRISTIAN god in particular, I don’t know. But then I’m just an idiot who PRETENDS to know shit in order to get cheap laughs, so you can’t go by me. When I’m presented with definitive statements about God and our universe, a universe that is mind-boggling to me in its complexity, I’m amazed  such immense, all-powerful knowledge can be contained within single mortal minds. Possible I guess. But, you know, I’m really going to need some real evidence if I’m going to believe anything I’m told like this. And, no, having won the gold medal for debate in the 1985 Wisconsin State Debate Finals doesn’t count.

The complete acceptance, and by so many, of rhetorical arguments alone as proof for the Christian creator of the cosmos makes me wonder why we’ve pissed away so much money on particle accelerators in search of the Higgs boson, when all that’s apparently needed to prove anything to millions of people is a logically sound argument, flawlessly articulated, that NO ONE could EVER argue against. Fuck physical evidence. If Peter Higgs SAYS there’s a Higgs field, and he states it soundly enough, then god damn it, there’s a Higgs field giving mass to energy. Period. I don’t know about you, but I’m rather glad medical science doesn’t operate this way.

I’m glad medicine has tests that scientists took the time to develop to see whether or not I actually need things like insulin and chemotherapy before I start to use them. If my doctor told me to go home and start injecting insulin because he had a flawless argument as to why I needed it all written out for me, I’d get a different doctor. So would anyone else, I think. Which makes me not get the God ABSOLUTELY HAS to exist type of arguments people espouse. I’m happy for them if they believe what they say, but I’m not happy when I get the “what kind of idiot are you to NOT believe what I’m saying” look when I say I do not believe for lack of evidence. I’m not bashing the believer, either. I’ve learned that what people BELIEVE to be true is far more significant and powerful than what actually IS true about what they believe. I get it. A person’s faith is like their ethnicity and I can respect that, but then I want my way of viewing reality respected as well. And to me, it is just unwise to accept extraordinary claims without extraordinary evidence. If you don’t believe me, just shoot insulin the next time someone tells you to just because they wrote a logically flawless argument for why you needed it.

Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold, The Conclusion

And now, so the drinking can begin, the conclusion of “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold.” A story “Time” magazine has called, “An unclassifiable assemblage of English words, sentences, and paragraphs so far beyond necessity, one can’t help but feel they must surely mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE.

Moses, A Great Lawyer

Moses, A Great Lawyer

“Moses: OK, Kid. Listen up. There’s one thing you’ve got going for you here that no Right Wing, Tea Bangin’, Christian Conservative Texan can deny: You, Kiddo, are an unborn fetus! You don’t “officially” get born into this realm until midnight tonight, when Old Year 2013 gets sent packing to the Palooka Ville retirement home for years gone by. Just because you jumped the gun and decided to go cruising for a bit of nooky before your official, shall we say, expulsion from the womb of time, doesn’t make this any less a fact. You are a gestating timeline of an infant, and you can not be withheld from your birth into the world of existence without those preventing said birth from being labeled abortionists for doing so. Thus, to keep your perverted ass locked up here in Corpus Cristi, rather than letting you be born, is akin to killing you via an abortion.

Baby New Year: Wow. That’s awesome lawyer thinking there Moses. I’m impressed. Get me outta here, and tonight, you can join me for some of the best partying your withered old arse has or will ever see.

Moses: No thanks. Jesus and I watch “Casablanca” every New Years Eve, and I wouldn’t miss that or his special “Savior Seasoned” popcorn, for anything. I think Elvis and Christopher Hitchens are joining us this year, too. Great guys, but back to you.  They’re coming to take us to see the judge in a minute or two. Just let me do ALL the talking, and we should be fine. OK?

Baby New Year: You bet yer ass Pops!

There is silence on the SETI tapes TACP used to transcribe this truth-ridden tale of the odd, for several minutes. Then a final statement is clearly heard being given by Judge Righteous M. Fukker, the judge who apparently heard Baby New Years’ case. This statement is presented below without one tiny thing about it being made up or exaggerated in the least.

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge Righteous M. Fukker

Judge R.M. Fukker: Well now, don’t that all just sound like a Yankee Liberal abortionists’ wet friggin’ dream come true, eh boys? You damn Yankees go around pullin’ fetuses outta Christian women’s wombs up north like you was no more than pullin’ lice outta some youngin’s hair when it suits yer fancy ta do so. Ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth, eh boys? And now you all is gonna tell me, an honored and highly respected judge, that I shouldn’t hold this here perverted little shit-ball hooker chaser in my jail cell til his arm pit hair grows grey and chokes him to death because I’d be performin’ an ABORTION by doin’ so myself? Well ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth of it then. Not a bad bit of lawyerin’ there old Jewish feller. Not bad at all. I’m gonna let yer little bastard buddy go with just a warnin’ this time, but fuck up in Texas again, boy, and I’ll send you away for so long there won’t be time to tell time by when yer abortion lovin’ a-theist Yankee ass gets out. Ya god dang som’bitch ya!

Moses: He’ll behave your honor. I promise you. And thank you very much, Sir.

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year, Free And Ready To Party

Baby New Year: Yes. Thanks. And Happy New Year to you and to all the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator, where cannibalism is only bad if you under cook the meat.